My boyfriend won't be romantic


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This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jasmine 5 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #775194 Reply

    Jasmine

    I have subtly and not so subtly told him that I want more romance, but he doesn’t really listen. I hinted to it a bunch of times and nothing. I even flat out told him that I wanted more romance, flowers, some appreciation, anything and I got nothing. I don’t know if it’s just because he feels awkward about stuff like that or if it’s just because he doesn’t want to. I compliment him all the time and do stuff for him that I know he likes, however I don’t get the same treatment back. How can I get him to be more romantic or at least show me that he appreciates me?

    #775203 Reply

    Lane

    Its a major turn off when someone DEMANDS something, such as romance. How long have you been together? A man naturally romances a woman he is deeply in love with and devoted too. It must come from his heart, or it means nothing. Its possible you’ve watched too many Hollywood movies and have this false expectation of how romance works in real life works v. a fantasy movie that involves actors (pretend people in love) that lasts less than two hours.

    One cannot expect a man to constantly romance you. Its unrealistic, whereas men show their love in so many different ways, such as taking your car for an oil change or doing it themselves if he knows how; picking up some food for dinner or cooking one when he knows you’ve had a rough week; just coming up and spontaneously giving you a hug and/or kiss; grabbing your hand as your walking—so many little things that truly shows how much he loves you, and it doesn’t have to cost a penny.

    If your BF is doing none of this, then I would most surely question if he even loves you. I I suggest you look up the 5 love languages and ask him which one is his primary and secondary as it might help reveal to you *how* he loves. If its not lining up with how he treats you, then I would suspect he’s not in love with you in the way he needs to love a woman to show it.

    #775204 Reply

    Kathy

    Stop doing so much for him, pull back, and see it he steps up at all. He probably won’t if all you have said has fallen on deaf ears. He’s taking you for granted. Be less available.

    #775205 Reply

    Kathy

    Yes, and Lane is right.. He’ll only do this stuff if he loves you.

    #775239 Reply

    J

    You cant make a man be romantic. That’s like asking a Ford to be a Jeep. You either have it or you don’t. If he has it, asking for it won’t make it happen more. That’s almost like asking for an engagement ring.

    I believe like attracts like. Are you romancing him? Are you appreciating him? It’s 50/50 in a relationship & if you want to spice up the passion, the behaviour must start with you. Start romancing him.

    Now he will feel pressured into buying you flowers, and if you get flowers? You wont feel good that he bought you flowers, you will feel like he only got you them because you asked.

    When I started my job, all the staff had little humour and I disliked that. Rather than ask my colleagues for a joke? I’d joke away with them. Now? I have a team who all joke away with me.

    #775243 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    There have been some good points made already, about the 5 love languages, and not demanding/forcing expressions of affection. Anything that is given under duress isn’t coming from the heart. So if he’s giving you flowers because you pressured & guilted him into it, it won’t feel good, as has already been pointed out.

    However you’re saying you compliment him, and do stuff for him that you know he likes, but he doesn’t give you the same treatment back? He doesn’t even show that he “appreciates” you? He sounds selfish, honestly. It’s one thing not to buy flowers– my boyfriend is not the flower-buying type either, but he’s very expressive of his love in other ways.

    But if you’re saying your boyfriend is not showing you basic appreciation, that’s a separate issue from not getting flowers or romantic gifts. At least, that’s how I’m reading your post.

    So to clarify, is the issue that your boyfriend doesn’t make traditional romantic gestures? (that’s something that can’t be forced, as has already been said). Or does he not express basic affection/appreciation towards you? (in which case that signifies a larger problem with the relationship, in my book).

    #775247 Reply

    Amy S

    Hes not going to change, you have to ask yourself if its worth dating him. Does he make you happy ? Or are you just stuck in a rut with him. If hes not making any effort for you I hope you have the strength to leave him and stop badgering him to change because it will not happen x

    #775262 Reply

    Jasmine

    I haven’t demanded anything from him but that he treats me the way that I treat him and he just doesn’t. He says that he loves me and he acts like it sometimes but he’s quick to get angry with me and always has an attitude towards me. We have been together in and off for two years and we’ve been through so much. And when I say romance I mean like opening the door for me or telling me that I’m beautiful. Flowers would be five stars but I really just want him to tell me that I’m beautiful or at least that I’m pretty. I get compliments from everyone but him.

    #775264 Reply

    Jasmine

    And when I do stuff for him if I get even a ‘thank you’ I’m honestly surprised.

    #775265 Reply

    Shoshannah

    It’s one of those problems where it’s really difficult to say if it’s you with your Hollywood movies expectations, or if it’s your gut telling you that something is off (as in, he’s not into you enough or you’re not compatible). Statistically, probably the former (women always complain about men not being romantic enough, probably because of those different love languages), but there are limits to statistics. My man buys me flowers. He brought flowers to our date after we kissed for he first time on the previous date, to show his appreciation for the kiss, I guess, can you imagine… And I do think that without feeling so cherished by him (obviously not daily, but every now and then he makes me feel like this), I wouldn’t be as happy. So I see the problem.

    Sure, demanding is tricky, as others said, you can’t demand signs of love or affection. But on the other hand, without letting him know what’s bothering you, you won’t improve your situation either. So I think, I actually would “demand” – in quotation marks, because all I’m suggesting is signaling to him what your needs are. One quality that makes someone a good long term partner is that they are receptive to feedback. A man who is a good partner material, if he’ll see that something makes you not as happy as you could be, will do anything in his power to change that (unless you’re completely unreasonable, but your requirements don’t sound that bad).

    It depends on what exactly you’ve said so far, but I would try to make him understand where you’re coming from and see how he reacts. Just one more time or maybe more clearly. If nothing changes, then you have to decide if you want to put up with this or not. He may not be the romantic type, but there are more important things than flowers. I would think if he gets what you’re saying, he would try a bit harder, but if he doesn’t, it’s up to you.

    #775274 Reply

    Lane

    I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like he’s *the one.* The one makes you happy far longer than a couple years, My first husband romanced me for ten years while courting and married, then when he stopped the remaining 12 years became utterly miserable! My current BF of almost 3 years still romances me as if we just met, has been consistent and never waivered, nor have I because we both love each other deeply, and strive to make each other happy because it brings us happiness making each other happy. How long will it last will be determined by time but what I do know is that a man who is deeply in love wants to make his woman happy and will move mountains to do so—those who don’t, won’t.

    You can *talk* about it from dawn to dusk but it isn’t going to make him budge if he isn’t willing to move after numerous requests, or doing so many things that he doesn’t even take the time to appreciate. I would be happier single than a dead relationship any time of the day—been there, done that, will never do it again.

    #775278 Reply

    Dangerouse

    Is he affectionate? Does he respond when you kiss I’m? Does he hold hands while watching tv, etc… ?

    Does he snuggle after sex and say I love you daily?

    #775292 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Shoshannah used the word “cherish” which is very on point. Men show their love in different ways and there are the aforementioned different love languages. Every relationship is different. But the thing is, if you are not feeling cherished in the relationship then there’s a problem. And you can’t talk or force a man into cherishing you.

    You said your boyfriend is “quick to get angry” with you and “always has an attitude” when talking to you?
    Can I ask why you’re with him? Just because you’ve been together on and off over a couple of years, and have been through a lot of things, isn’t a reason to hold on to a relationship that makes you unhappy.

    #775295 Reply

    Raven

    He is who he is…
    You is who You is…
    You 2 is not compatible-

    #775300 Reply

    Jasmine

    I’m with him because I love him. I don’t know why but the thought of being with anyone else just doesn’t even cross my mind and when I think about it I just get kind of repulsed. I don’t want anyone but him and I get mad about it sometimes but that’s how it is. I know our history isn’t a reason to stay but I can’t even imagine loving anyone else the way I love him.

    #775309 Reply

    Lane

    Don’t you want a man who love’s you back? Love is not enough, its just a feeling, as is pain, and sadness—there appears to be a lot more of that based on what you’ve written. Its your life and can choose to be happy or miserable as you’re the one who has to deal with him, not any of us because we’ve all been where you are and chose happiness over misery. I would rather be single and happy than in a miserable relationship/marriage—been there, done that, will never do it again.

    #775313 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I don’t mean to be difficult but WHY do you love him? No offense but he sounds like a jerk. He gets angry with you easily, he always gives you attitude, he won’t even demonstrate basic affection like holding a door open or telling you you’re pretty.

    You sound like you’re very attached to him but that’s not the same as love. I’ve been there, I was completely attached to a man who was no good for me and didn’t reciprocate the love and care I felt for him. I kept giving and he kept taking but he’d never give me the love and affection I deserved. It was awful. And you know what, I kept trying harder and harder to get him to love me the way I loved him. I thought if I just stuck with him, he’d wake up one day and realize what a good girlfriend I was. Well guess what, that never happened.

    Long story short, I eventually moved on. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half. The difference is night and day, he makes me feel cherished constantly, he holds doors, is never rude and never “has an attitude” with me, he’s physically affectionate, he cooks homemade meals for me. I’ll mention in passing that I need something and a few days later he’ll tell me “I stopped by the store and got that thing you needed”. My old boyfriend never treated me this way! When I started dating my current guy it was like a light bulb turning on– “oh, THIS is how it’s supposed to be.”

    You said yourself you get mad sometimes because you know you love a guy who doesn’t deserve it. If you can find the strength to let go of this unhealthy relationship, you will eventually find a guy who treats you better than you can imagine now.

    #775330 Reply

    Persephone

    Are you sure you love HIM? I mean if you love someone you would accept who they are and love them for it. He’s not showing his love and you don’t like that about him and you want him to change. I’d say you’re trying to make a square fit into a circle.

    Also, I question his feelings about you because men in love find ways to express it. I’ve had boyfriends from various backgrounds (laborers, Master’s degrees, nurses, IT- poor, average, and wealthy) and every single one of them were able to express their love one way or another. Some with notes, some with flowers or fancy jewelry, others by making be something. I always felt loved in some way. If he does nothing I’d say he’s a poop and the love isn’t there.

    #775336 Reply

    J

    “I haven’t demanded anything from him but that he treats me the way that I treat him and he just doesn’t”

    As much as you want a reciprocated relationship, sometimes that’s just not possible from people. Demanding, or even asking someone to treat you better, is a sign of incompatibilities. How old are you both? Perhaps, if your needs are not being met, you could perhaps go your separate ways. Either that, or accept this is who he is and this is how he behaves and maybe romance yourself? Buy yourself flowers & treat yourself to takes away’s and chocolates etc every now and then, and on the positive, least you get the EXACT flowers you want.

    #775348 Reply

    T from NY

    End of the day you clearly have a man who is not deeply in love OR cares more for himself than your needs and lives his life that way. Let me tell you why. There are lots of guys who are not the buy-flowers type — but if they fell in love with a girl who was and she hinted or outright said she wanted that — flowers she would get. Men in love live to make their partner feel appreciated.

    I think you don’t feel you are worthy of sweet love. You SAY you want it, but if you loved yourself the way you SAY you want to be loved — you wouldn’t put up with a person who doesn’t make you feel cherished. I COMPLETELY understand as I had often dated men in the past who I was infatuated with, always trying to ‘win’ them, make them happy. THEN after adopting a radical self-love program I evolved to being turned OFF by men who weren’t incredibly sweet, chivalrous and caring of me. Now I will be alone before I ever feel not appreciated, loved or desired in a romantic relationship.

    It’s OK. Lots of men and women are emotionally unavailable for LOTS of different reasons. But your unhappiness does NOT stem from your boyfriend right now unfortunately. The solutions to our long-term happiness are always found inside our selves. You choose to stay in a relationship that is not meeting your needs. I wish you luck in remedying that with dignity. Not with anger or resentment at the current man. He is WHO HE IS. And feels the ways he feels (or lack of). Let him go gently and start tending to you if you’re really feel that unsatisfied. You can do it.

    #775368 Reply

    Better off facing reality

    Actions speak louder than words. Maybe he just doesnt know how to love you because he doesn’t know you well enough.

    #775436 Reply

    Jasmine

    UPDATE: We talked about everything that was on his mind and my own and he’s been perfect ever since. He didn’t know that he was making me feel the way he was. Ever since we talked about it and got everything off of our chests it was like he did a 180. And yes I’m 100% positive that we love each other. Thank you all for your advice and once I looked up the five love languages I understand now! Thank you guys for all your advice!

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