Lost my relationship and the man I love to my alcoholism – now what?

Let me add a few things on why i think the book os so significant. The author moves to her birthplace after a year of sobriety to stay sober but meanwhile she gaines more and more knowledge on why she is how she is. For instance she learns that her need to chase and get obsessed is a cause for her alcoholism. So it took her a few years to really have enough insight, stay away from alcohol, to find other ways to live her life. Then she wrote the book. You sound also sort of obsessed now with your ex, trying to heal him (from what?), trying to tell him you do love hom more than alcohol (Which wasnt true at the time because thats what addiction does).
Im fairly sure both your sponsor and therapist told you to start fresh and not dig in this drama hole again and youre already on the brink of doing just that.
If this is the man of your life, he will pop up again when youre ready. But im 100% sure you are not ready now or any time soon (say the next 1 1/2 years). I wish you all the best and strenght to stay on your path and find happiness

Congratulations on six months of sobriety. That’s no easy feat when you suffer with addiction. A couple of watch outs I wanted to share with you, though.

Six months is very early sobriety. You are still fragile and don’t have your sea legs under you yet. The program says no relationships in the first year for a reason. And the reason is exactly what you’re doing.

You’re switching your obsession with alcohol to an obsession with your ex. You’re focusing on fixing this “broken man” and maybe yourself in the process. No. The program teaches no one can get you sober but you. Same as no one can fix him but him. Offer Al-Anon to him and leave it at that.

Your hyper focus on healing him is keeping it off of where it should be, healing yourself. There’s a lot more to getting sober than not drinking alcohol. That’s being a dry drunk.

Take the next year to work on you for you. Don’t be distracted. Be as obsessed about staying sober and understanding yourself better as you were about being able to get to that next drink.

You have an inner strength you probably had no idea you possessed. You’ve made a great start on a new life. Let him go for one year and stay on track and focused on your recovery. Then maybe revisit this relationship. But not until then as there’s much more healing to come your way.

You can do it.

Ugh, SO regret posting this here. Appreciate that Sophia, but again, there’s a lot about my history not included, and therefore a lot of your comments don’t apply. I’m aware of what they say in AA, believe me.

This was definitely not the appropriate place to post this question. My bad.

I feel I advised you the best I could based on what you wrote. If a lot of history wasn’t included of course my points would be off. No offense meant.

“He admits to me that he is very hurt and that sometimes being around me or talking to me is hard for him because I force him to acknowledge feelings that he does not want to acknowledge.”

I believe we can mend each other, slowly, even painstakingly…
It all sounds like wishful thinking and illusions you’re creating in your head because you refuse accept letting this person go. When “I hate you” sounds preetty clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Let this guy go.

You hurt him, deeply hurt him. You made a toxic mistake so accept the consequences and make sure it never happens again with anyone. He has to find the forgiveness on his own.

Continue to do what’s best for you. It seems that is what he is doing for himself.

Hi M, I’m not sure what you were hoping to hear. Sophia made some very good points it seems like you aren’t ready to consider. Why regret posting here? You asked for outside perspective and you got some thoughtful answers. No one has been rude or disrespectful.

I’m not clear on why you want to work so hard to stay sober and get yourself on the right track yet stay in a relationship in which you take on the responsibility for fixing someone else. That’s classic codependency. And I mean no disrespect but you do sound borderline obsessed. You are at the very least too attached for your own good, or for his. That isn’t love. Love is when you want the best for someone else and you even feel that way if it means you aren’t in their life.

I guess you were hoping to hear advice on how to make him behave the way you want him to?

To answer your question of what to do, you respect that he doesn’t want you in his life now and wish him the best and you go on and be your best self. When you’re not pressuring him and not there all the time, maybe he will rethink things?

Newbie, there’s no such thing as an ex-alcoholic that I’ve ever met. They describe it as “I’m a recovering alcoholic” because they know it’s possible to start drinking again at any time. As I understand it from recovering alcoholics, this is a disease that can never be cured entirely. There’s always the chance it will come back.

What I see, is that you two want the same thing, to an extent. He wants to NOT feel the feeling of something else being chosen over him. You want to prove to him that you would never do that again. So do that. Obviously, do it in a healthy way. But until he blocks you or ghosts you or tells you nicely you’re parting ways or tells you however he wants to drop dead, you wait. Make sure he knows he can take all the time he needs and then leave him alone while he does, and make sure he knows you’re there and always will be, whenever he’s ready, IF that ever happens. Make sure he knows that, if he does ghost you, if you never hear from him ever again, or if he contacts you again just to say goodbye, you will respect and honor his decision and send him away with love. I know it will be gut wrenching, but if he does reach back out to say you’re parting ways for good and that no relationship or friendship can ever happen, it’s your responsibility to respect that. That will be your living amends to him. Every day that you leave him be and move on with your life without him, you are respecting this man’s decision, and in so doing working your steps, and being true to your new recovering lifestyle.

My fiancee made me work for it, so hard…there were times when I seriously questioned if my perseverance was sending the right message. But think about it. As much as we remember, there’s so much more we’ve forgotten. Living with knowing how much I had hurt my fiancee was almost enough to kill me. To know that you inflicted such pain and heartbreak on a person you love more than anything is a soul crushing feeling to carry around. And I felt that way based on the things I did that I could remember. There was so much more…so much I don’t remember, because I was out of my mind wasted. He remembers ALL of it. Your ex does too. How do you let someone back into your life that did such things to you? That made you feel such pain?

Selfless love. That’s how. It’s the only way. If you both have that, there’s always some hope.

Some of the advice given here is right, in that this has to be for you. Your recovery…walking that walk. It’s for you, first and foremost, or it’s temporary. Get right with that. Make sure you’re good with YOU first. No man can or should be a stand-in for that. Just work your program. Go to meetings, work with your sponsor, read the book, don’t drink. Focus on that, 100%. When he reaches out…IF he reaches out…be there like you said you’d be.

My fiancee is sitting here next to me as I type this, and it of course is stirring up a lot of memories. He says don’t give up. He says give your ex the space he needs, let him do this his way, but don’t give up. This man deserves to see you work your ass off to prove something to him…he wants to see that…whether you end up together or not. Even if he ultimately doesn’t want anything to do with you, he still deserves this. Show him now what you couldn’t show him then.

Just a side note – someone commented in this thread, somewhat snarkily, something about you not being an ex-alcoholic, or being in a different place than that. I just reread your entire post, and you never said you were an ex alcoholic…probably because you know, that YOU ARE NOT. That is something you will never be. That is something I will never be. We are alcoholics for life. The act of not drinking does not change that. Even being in recovery does not change that. Normies just don’t get it, they never will. But it does mean we are just that…recovering. And recovery is a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, transformative, life changing experience, and it is the best gift you can give to the loved ones still in your life.

Thank you for sharing your story. My fiance and I are rooting for you. Whether or not things work out for you as a couple, or even a friendship, is pretty much entirely up to your ex and he will have to be so full of grace and love and compassion and then some, for that to happen. But IF that happens…wow.

Meaghan, I congratulate you on your sobriety and that you and your man are working out but with that, some of us are coming from the *other side* and I see two major issues here being on that other side as well.

The problem she faces is her sobriety is far too new. She already suffered a relapse and that tells me she has a long way to go before she’s in a position even consider a relationship. I know for a fact that AA and the professionals in this field would not recommend a relationship at this point and time, that the focus needs to be solely on her recovery—taking it “day by day” and step by step until she’s reached the point in her recover to ask others for forgiveness. Any relapse sets her back to ‘day 1’ and it means she has a lot more steps to take and go before people, including him, can or will believe her if they ever do. She wants to leap over critical steps and pretend everything is OK when its not close to being OK—this is not the path to recovery but the road to relapses.

She is trying to *fix* a sober man! What she doesn’t understand is our suffering is nothing compared to an alcoholic going through recovery. Ours is weaning ourselves from the alcoholic. With some time without the alcoholic in our life our recovery is when we have *embraced* the calm, peace, and tranquility of no longer being with an alcoholic—once WE (non-alcoholics) reach that step its virtually impossible to drag us back into that world. It doesn’t mean we stop loving them, or want them to be happy and sober, we do; however we don’t love them the same way, more of a arms-length friendship level, and that’s what the OP needs to understand but appears to have difficulty understanding how non-alcoholics process it, think or feel.

Just to clear up one thing. I didnt post the comment ‘op is an ex alcoholic’. Someone else has been posting as Newbie lately with short comments. I dont know why. But i liked your advice meghan.