Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Looks in a relationship
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
AngieBaby.
-
AuthorPosts
-
P
So I’ve just started seeing someone we both really like one another. Something they said to me has bugged me.
I’m a reasonably attractive women and they are also attractive but I’m guessing that they don’t get the they are beautiful line.They said to me that you know you could do a lot better than me , you are stunning. I’m only going to warn you of this once more because I don’t think you realise you can do better than me in the looks department.
This person is very smart funny and successful. They don’t think they are attractive and have joked about their looks several times. It stings a bit.
Is this a bad sign of something ? It was playful but it’s made me uncomfortable to hear it again.
Raven
For sure an orange flag…
You’ve just started seeing this person, so go slow & see what other odd things come out…
P
@Raven what does it warn me of ? Lack of Confidence, insecurity or something else.?
Khadija
If someone tells me I can do better, I tend to believe them.
I guess my attitude is if you don’t like/love yourself enough, why should I?Maddie
Khadija is right.
It warns you that you are on a pedestal. Which means they will likely eventually make some decisions and exhibit some behaviors that are out of insecurity and fear, which is always to the detriment of a relationship because it’s dysfunctional. Self-defense mechanisms that don’t consider you or anxious behavior (he may try to people please and be inauthentic to keep you) may follow. Keep an eye out as you get to know him, and if you see inconsistency or defensive behaviors (possibly confusing, selfish, or seemingly inexplicable behavior, especially lashing out), especially in response to stress or how he resolves conflict with you, pay attention the first time it happens because it probably won’t be a one-off.
Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but I haven’t seen too many situations like that end well unless the partner was earnestly taking responsibility for and dealing with their own insecurity issues already.
P
@maddie
We are both women.
It may not matter. That it’s not coming from a man. It does mean though that I know it’s sincere.
You can only fall if a pedestal. This is my concern.
Maddie
Sorry for assuming. But yes, it’s not a gender-specific problem. People are people.
AngieBaby
P, no one here is going to give you crap for being a woman dating a woman. It’s OK to be yourself here.
Women tend to be more modest and honest about their looks than men, and a lot more self-deprecating without it necessarily meaning they have low self esteem or are insecure.
She said it one time. I’d let it go. If that one is repeated and other statements of that nature are made, I’d say you may want to consider if this is someone you want to keep seeing. Or at least see if you can understand why the low self esteem and if they’re willing to work on that. Just don’t turn into a savior or a fixer.
I’m with Khadija – if someone says they’re not good enough for me I believe them and walk away because I’m not interested in constantly propping up someone’s low opinion of themself.
Raven
The Flags are starting to multiply…
This is the same person you posted about, a couple days (week) ago?
Maddie
It was the way she said it to you that rubs me the wrong way, like a validation $h*t test, not a self-aware joke.
I’ve dated men who were objectively “traditionally” better looking than me, and I was even insecure about it at times (I used to have bad insecurity), but I never said anything about it, especially not like that, because: 1. We’re both people and looks shouldn’t dictate all value (if so, I shouldn’t be with that person) 2. Why should I presume to know what types they find physically attractive, especially when they’re choosing me? So it was my issue to deal with and to approach with trust / benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise if we were going to date.
I left the flag list I did because maybe it was nothing, but seeing what I described in the future are indicators it’s not nothing. And if those indicators slowly reveal themselves once you’re already involved, it’s very easy to rationalize them and explain away and ignore if you want the relationship to work, so that’s why I listed them before it’s more serious. As said, orange flag, doesn’t mean instantly run away… hopefully it means nothing but that list around stress and conflict is how to tell if it wasn’t just an innocent joke as you get to know each other better.
Ss
I ended my last relationship of a year due to his anxiety and self esteem issues. I wish I’d acted on the flags but I ignored them because I really wanted things to work but being with someone with low self esteem is soooooo exhausting! It started with the little jokes about how he must have met me a low point, how I was so pretty and he didn’t know why I would be with him, how much smarter I am, more charismatic, more successful… it went on and on. At first it was flattering but I felt a sense of disquiet. It soon became really off putting. When someone is constantly telling you that you can do better or that they aren’t good enough it kind of becomes a reality. He highlighted his flaws to me and I hadn’t even considered them until he raised them.
His constant anxiety became so difficult anf tiring to manage and in the end I just lost respect for him. I would say that I’m not necessarily the ‘norm’ I have a fearful avoidant attachment style so his clingy and need for validation was off putting and made me pull away in quite an extreme way that more securely attached people may not have felt but it was not a healthy relationship as we triggered each other constantly. As soon as I broke up with him I just felt relief! I will never date such an insecure person again.
In your situation it sounds like it’s a one off so far and maybe she was joking, maybe she was fishing for compliments so I would observe and keep it all in mind. If she continues with this mindset I’d say walk away. It is so tiring being with someone so insecure- they are emotional vampires!
P
@Raven yes it is.
If she does it again I’m going to ask her if she felt this way with the last person she was seeing and if so did she tell her the same thing. I will then let her know how uncomfortable it makes me that she feel this way.
If it continues will end it. Some of you might remember the mess i got into with my last relationship. There is no way I’m repeating that.
AngieBaby
P, glad you’re asking questions early and keeping your eyes open. I remember the last one. Good to see someone living and learning and applying what they’ve learned.
-
AuthorPosts
