Long Distance Relationship – Two Questions

Ugh, Meant to say “your adult enough to make decisions as to whether or not to meet someone. If you want to know why he fades out just ask him as he’s really the only one who can answer that question. Most likely has to do with emotional overload and needs time to recharge before he can engage again but he would be the one who needs to affirm or confirm that.

“Anon…if I had to guess, I would guess that he’s more alpha than not, but tired of having to be an alpha all the time. But that’s just a guess at this point. And I appreciate your acknowledgement of grey areas.”

Alphas never get tired of being alphas.
It’s a really rare man that spills quickly to a woman he is trying to court; men don’t want to appear weak until they have to. I will say that distance relationships spill more quickly probably because they have little to lose and having a sympathetic ear is nice.

Well Kailyn,you sound like you have a good grip on things. Some of the answers may have been heavy -handed. However,as a regular reader and advice giver on here,the questions from women that seem foolish,naive, taken in by con men etc,being used etc.. is very common and sad. Without the additional info you just gave-there were assumptions made that err on the side of caution. Anyway-I bet this will turn out fine,good luck.

My boyfriend is an INFJ. He is the loveliest person ever! I’m an INFP. It works well. We are both introverts who like to go deep, we had many MANY very deep personal convos before meeting. We met halfway. I don’t think it made anyone look desperate, or too eager, it just made the most sense to share the burden of driving.

Best of luck.

For the person above who is so fascinated with how many times we’ve taken personality tests. Both of us took the MBTI test in college as volunteers, for credit in psychology classes. Also, this is a test used by some employers as part of their interviewing process, which accounts for the other times. I also had to take the DISC test once for a job. As for labels, I’m not sure how learning more about one’s own personality type can be reasonably compared to arbitrarily labeling someone you don’t know a liar, narcissist or sociopath, but whatev.

Ali…I’m so happy things worked out for you. How long did you talk before meeting and how far apart do/did you live? How long have you been together?

Jacquetta…heavens no! As I’ve said, we all have very different communication styles and needs and I don’t see a tendency toward in depth conversation any better or worse than those who prefer to keep it light. I doubt it has much to do with intelligence…just personal preferences. My “surface chatter” comment was directed at those who were suggesting that their preferred method was the only valid way to talk with a new person, or who were just being nasty for the sake of being nasty. I apologize if that was insulting to anyone else. Not my intention. Small talk can wear me out as much as it energizes others. That’s one of the differences between introverts and extroverts.

With my dating profile I was receiving a LOT of messages from scammers. How many people actually fall for it, I wonder? Many of the non scammer messages consisted of things like, “Hi” or “Hey Sexy”. I would usually respond to thoughtful messages from men in which I wasn’t interested, with a thank you but no thank you. However, this sometimes backfired as well with a man or two getting upset and asking me why I would reply at all if I wasn’t interested. It just became tiring after a while. The men I DID speak to offline and meet were all very nice (with the exception of one) but no romantic connections. As has been pointed out, this is usually the case. It is what it is.

Thank you again. I’m going to try and resist the urge to respond to the trolls. Waste of time.

I STILL can’t figure out who this Stephen is, lol!

Emma…well, some of what you wrote could certainly be the case with this man, though I don’t have a track record of sticking around if I’m not being treated well and, if a relationship were to arise out of this, there would have to be a plan for us to live in the same place within that year. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I don’t see it working any other way. That’s just me.

In any case, I won’t know until I know, right? I will tell you thought that my last boyfriend and I began this same way. We talked for a while (I didn’t use Skype then so it was phone, email and text). He visited my town (didn’t stay with me) one weekend. I visited his another. We did this a couple more times, decided to become exclusive and had sex. We put a plan together and he moved to my area. That relationship lasted over two years. It also seems that this scenario worked out for Ali (above) as well. So it’s not always worst case scenario.

I plan to post the outcome, good or bad.

Just my example. I had once connected with man 5-hour drive from my city. Connection via texting was nice and personalities totally clicked! In a while he came to my city for over a weekend. Took a hotel as I didnt allow him in my place as he expected. Nevertheless, was the most boring weekend I ever had! I counted hours he go home and was so upset my Sunday has to be spent with him again instead of doing some other fun things. He tried to have sex which was also annoying. Moral is, texting and skyping is one thing. Meeting face-to-face is another. I would take care of my valuable time and don’t agree on the whole weekend pack of plans, just in case to prevent myself form annoying company who drived so long

An update. So, I had to reschedule our meeting this weekend as my mother now has to have surgery on Friday and I’m concerned with my dad taking care of her all by himself after (my parents are elderly). I’ll be spending at least the weekend with them.

I was concerned that this man might think I was putting him off but he was extremely understanding, expressed concerned for my mom and asked if I knew when I’d be free…he sounded relieved when I threw out a few possible dates in the near future so I added, “I AM very much looking forward to meeting you and really hope you don’t think I would blow you off without good reason”. He said that he didn’t feel I was that type of person and at this point, because we haven’t yet met, agreed to exclusivity and/or been intimate, he had no right to question whether or not I was seeing other people. But, there was a second when he had a half thought that I might be canceling in favor of another date. He knew that shouldn’t bother him if it were the case, but regardless, it did a little. I told him that while it was probably too soon to talk about not seeing other people, I absolutely would not cancel plans I’d already made with him, for that reason as it would be disrespectful and not who I am.

So we’re back to determining who drives where. And, I’d like to hear from people who had actually attempted a LDR (successfully or unsuccessfully). I know there has to be a goal from the start, and someone has to be willing to relocate if things go well. My last relationship started off semi LD (two hours apart…not so bad…this man is further away) so I understand there has to be a plan. At what point would it be appropriate to discuss making a plan and how do you make it work in the meantime? Because of the distance, I would think that the relationship could potentially accelerate more quickly (out of necessity) than if both people lived in the same area. How often has this really worked out for people here who have experienced it?

The five hours away guy is a little too far for a first date in my opinion, eapecially if you have never met. I would dismiss this relationship on the grounds of the long distance. Long distance relationships work, when there is enough time already spent together. Long distance dating is the first reason why it won’t even get off the ground. I would end this while you’re ahead.

You guys are HILARIOUS!I haven’t even been on this thread and you all are entertaining yourselves.

So, here’s the facts: he drove here yesterday. We went out for an early dinner, walked around downtown, played pool (fun and silliness because I stink at it), had a cocktail or two and generally had a wonderful time. He had a hotel so we met out instead of him picking me up. At the end of the evening, he walked me to my car and there was some kissing but nothing more. This morning, I met him at a park with my dogs and we walked for quite a while, talking and enjoying the day. After the park we walked to an outdoor cafe for lunch (I am fortunate enough to live in an extremely dog friendly city) and we did a lot of talking, about all sorts of things. Lots of laughter. We parted ways to clean up and he DID pick me up for dinner tonight. Went to a gorgeous place overlooking the mountains and city, had a fantastic dinner (my treat this time), talked some more. After dinner we walked around the area for a while and he kept pulling me in for hugs and kisses. When he dropped me off, a lot more kissing but he didn’t push it beyond that and never even implied that he should come in. When he walked me to the door, he kissed my hand, my forehead and said, “Good LORD I don’t want to go back tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you again.” He’s heading out early tomorrow so I won’t see him again this visit but he’s been texting ever since he got back to his hotel.

Now, the feels: The in person chemistry was genuine and we agreed that the comfort level was high and natural. He said he felt as if he’s known me forever, he definitely wanted to see what this might be and he asked if I would be willing to see him again next weekend (not this coming). I absolutely want to. He wants me to see HIS city and offered to pay for travel and lodging if I’m able to visit (I don’t need him to but it seems important to him, so maybe, if he’ll let me pay for some things while I’m there). I had a GREAT time. He’s even more attractive in person, we seem to have extremely compatible senses of humor and communication styles, he’s warm, kind, smart and sexy and I just like him a whole lot.

Now, trying to keep my feet on the ground and not lean forward…wait and see if the communication stays the same and he quickly makes a plan for the next time. I’ve read enough of these posts to know that he could just as easily vanish into thin air as continue to pursue me, or he could be thinking that my visiting means I’ll sleep with him and that’s really all that he’s interested in. I’m hopeful, but know that time will tell.

I’m not sure I have any questions at this point, though I’m sure I will in the immediate future. Really just providing an update. Let the flaming begin!

Thank you Peggy. I hope so.

I’m not a romance writer…my apologies. And for the record, I don’t make out with my brother while walking around downtown. Or, ever. EW. Those last kisses on the hand and forehead were the sweetest things I’ve experienced in a long time. It literally made me a little dizzy. I’m trying to pace my excitement because, well, I’m afraid of it not being as real as I hope it is. I’m already so into this guy that it’s scares me a bit and I KNOW how that can turn out, so early on. I’ve read the cautionary comments and tales. What would you have said if I had gushed with all the excitement and emotion I was feeling? Probably that I was insane to feel that way after one date, despite all of the communication prior.

He called on the drive back and just a bit ago, sent me some options for when I visit in a week and a half. I’m encouraged but I’m also scared that I’m already too invested and it will fall apart. Some of the reason goes out the window when you’re the one experiencing the feelings.

I have a legitimate question for anyone with actual advice. How DO you balance the excitement and emotion you feel when you first begin seeing someone, with reasonable and prudent behavior? How can you be simultaneously vulnerable and cautious? Because for it to move forward, you really have to be both, despite the risk. Would love to hear from those who have successfully maintained that balance.

That’s an interesting title Peggy! I’ll have to look for it. :-)

I still believe that while some men (and women) are inherently jerks, most aren’t and it’s more a matter of incompatibility than ill intent. I also tend to either go all in or “just know” that I’m not interested, pretty quickly. Not a lot of gray area.

I haven’t been guarded up to this point and I don’t want my demeanor to change because the feelings have increased. My instinct and heart tell me that he can be trusted but my brain is throwing every possible negative scenario at me. Again, it’s tough balancing openness with caution when you’re the one in it. Thank you for your thoughts!