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- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by
Raven.
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Ilya
Met a guy online, we went out for dinner this past weekend. During the dinner he asked about worst first dates and experiences, he mentioned getting stood up once, I mentioned being ghosted and how that’s a terrible experience. He would always text me good morning and good night before we met.
After our date, he texted me a bit but didn’t say goodnight as he normally does. So I just shot him a text and said have a good night. The next morning he answers and said last night was crazy he had to go help his uncle with something and then went home and fell asleep. Apologized for not saying good night and said don’t worry I’m not a ghost I wouldn’t do that.
This morning, no good morning text and yesterday he didn’t ask me a thing about my day ..texting was very light. I asked him about his day and he said it was crappy and he was feeling depressed and then tells me he suffers from PTSD (no idea why, this was the first I heard of it) (he also has a heart condition, cystic fibrosis and is sterile so he can’t have kids). My gut tells me this is a slow fade if not a ghosting situation. You can just tell when there has been a shift.
1. Why would he think that I thought he was going to ghost me in the first place?
2. Is it worth me calling him out? Something like You may not be a ghost but you’re gonna slow fade?
He talked so much about how communicating is important in relationships and dating and now he does this? Makes me angry and hurt. I know I should just let him go because I’m not even sure I liked him and he has a lot of health conditions, but it’s like I want him to know that I see him and what he’s doing.
He set the standard of texting every morning and every night and I got used to it and now that we met up and I guess he didn’t like me he just cuts it off entirely? I’m not texting him that’s for sure.Ewa
when a guy says don’t worry I’m not a ghost I wouldn’t do that expect exactly the opposite…
same like if a guy WITHOUT asking is saying I am not just looking for sex , it means he is just looking for sex.
so yes he is doing a slow fade also for the future , don’t do good morning good night texts with someone you haven’t met, it is easy to get used to it and then you feel like something is missing, guys know about it.
But yes I wouldn’t entertain him
And no not worth even mentioning it to him , I would just stop replying and he will be gone naturally, but if you want to be polite just say I have different expectations regarding the communication and you are not meeting them so it was lovely to meet you , all the best.Raven
Do you really want to spend your time & energy on this dude? I mean really?
Liz Lemon
You’ve met this guy once in person, right? You shouldn’t have such high expectations of someone who’s essentially a stranger. I understand that you got used to the daily texts but again, this guy is someone you’ve met once.
Don’t get angry, sad, and hurt that he didn’t text you good night or good morning. That’s a ridiculous stance even in a committed relationship. No guy is going to text you good morning/good night ever day for the rest of his life. Communication is going to wane a bit, especially in the early stages of dating; a guy you just met is not obligated to text you constantly every day. You will have some days where he’s busy and texting is lighter. The thing to do is look for a pattern over time. If he is generally communicative but just has a slow day once in awhile, that’s fine. The most important thing in the early stages of dating is that the guy is making plans to see you regularly and being consistent.
In your case, it may be that he met you in person and didn’t feel it. That happens. It’s not an insult to you personally. Not every guy you date will want to see you again. That’s why you shouldn’t get into a texting pattern and get attached to a guy before you even meet. In any case, he sounds like he has a lot of issues so there’s no loss here. Just let it go and move on.
Ilya
Agreed, just makes me so angry, the lies.
And that’s the worst part. He started the every day good morning/night texts. I didn’t want it. How do you politely not respond to that? I was interested in him but I definitely didn’t want to start all that before we even met. Even after I meet someone I don’t want it because once you get me used to it, and you stop, I lose it. Automatically assume something is wrong.
I’d rather you just randomly send me a message when you’re thinking of me, call me and make plans.
There seems to be no natural flow with guys anymore. They have some fantasy built up in their minds but when it comes down to reality and actually doing it, they disappear or can’t handle it. Like their fantasy can’t match real life. Anyone else notice that? All these lovely words but no action. Like they want the girlfriend experience but when it comes to actually getting a girlfriend they aren’t capable.Sorry I’m rambling. Just very frustrated today and need to keep pulling myself back from shooting off a text to him. I know he isn’t worth it and I’ll get no satisfaction out of but WTF?!? haha
Ilya
Liz, do you think I should reach out to him? Given the backstory, do you think he just didn’t text because he’s having a bad day or is he not interested? This everyday texting was a standard he set, not me. If I didn’t hear from him, I wasn’t blowing up his phone. I always let him text me when he felt like it. It is just shocking to do a complete 180% and not think something is up.
How would I have prevented this? Stopping him from texting every day? I shouldn’t have responded?
Liz Lemon
If the guy is a flake, or not serious about you, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from flaking or fading out. Likewise, if a guy is interested, he makes his intentions clear in words and action. When you meet the right guy, it flows easily, I promise.
If the guy has a lot of personal issues you describe, he may have not been in the right mindset to text you a lot that day. Or he may not be in a mindset to date in general (he does sound like he has a lot of personal stuff going on). There are plenty of people out there on dating sites who are not ready to date or have anything serious, but they play the game anyway.
I don’t know where you left things off. Just sit back, relax, try not to overthink it. Again, this is a guy you met one time (who has a lot of personal problems to boot), and you’re obsessing over texting. Sit back and see if he contacts you and asks to see you again. You shouldn’t be having deep conversations over text (like about his PTSD), that stuff needs to happen in person. The thing to watch here is to see if he just wants a texting buddy or if he actually wants to take you out on dates. If he just texts you about his problems but doesn’t ask to see you, I’d cut him loose. At this point you should be trying to build a relationship in person, not over text.
About the good morning/good night texts. That’s nothing to get worked up about. You can respond politely but not get dragged in emotionally. Don’t assign a lot of meaning to texts like that. It’s easy to text someone good morning every day, it takes effort to arrange a date.
Ilya
Last I left off with him, he texted me last night that he was going to sleep and wished me a good night. I said you too, hope tomorrow is a better day for you and goodnight. Nothing since then.
Since we started texting he would send a good morning text first thing and then I wouldn’t hear from him all day until after we both finished working. He had said texting me good morning was the highlight of his day. I never once texted him first, he always initiated.
Raven
I’m curious, what is going on with you that you’re so fired up about this?
Liz Lemon
Like I said, don’t assign a lot of meaning to good morning or good night texts. They don’t require any effort. You’re putting way more significance on that than you should. What you should be paying attention to is whether this guy is escalating your interactions and taking you on dates.
It takes time to see if his intentions are serious or not. He shows you he’s serious by taking you out, not texting you good morning. So you’re focusing on the wrong thing here.
Ilya
I guess I’m just burnt out and tired of of being disappointed by men that say one thing and do another. It is exhausting. Even when I’m trying to not get attached or have any expectations of anyone, I’m disappointed somehow.
He did just text me to tell me he’s been depressed the last couple of days and he doesn’t want to scare me away but this is what he does when he’s depressed, he pushes people that he cares about away and a whole bunch of other stuff. Apologized that he didn’t say good morning or chat earlier than now.
If this is how he handles the depression I don’t think I want to take this on anyway. I got myself all upset because I didn’t hear from him, now that I have, I wish I haven’t. Be careful what you wish for I guess. I would want someone who is able to communicate with me when something is wrong, not shut me out.
Raven
I understand why you’re feeling the way you do, it IS exhausting!
With that said, you’re exhausting your precious time & energy on this very dysfunctional guy who has PTSD, a heart condition, cystic fibrosis and is sterile. This is just the surface!
Unless you’re looking to be a (unpaid) caregiver for him or need a fixer upper project…
There are a lot of Frogs out there. Don’t confuse them for your Prince.
mama
His issues are his, don’t take it personally. If you’re getting frustrated and burnt out, take a break from dating for a while, rebuild your personal reserves of patience, optimism and sense of humor, then try again.
Regardless, this guy sounds like a handful. If it were me, I’d wish him luck in life and close that door.
Marie
I’m finding it difficult to be honest with myself. I know what I want in a relationship, but how I get there is a challenging step to take. I divorce many years ago and met this wonderful man who swept me off my feet. We moved in together with my 2 children and after two years I needed to move out because of our differences in opinion in how I raised my children. It was a difficult move to make because I love him so much. 6 years later, we are still together, but living under different roofs. My children are older and he has specific bonds with them. We have had some extraordinary experiences together, making wonderful memories. At this point in my life I want a partner who is beside me every morning and every night. I’m tired and lonely being the single mom. I don’t see him often an hour a day here and there. I may have an overnight stay with him once or twice a month. We text every day and call unless there is a crisis in him life. I’ve accepted this for years, but I need more. I want him to commit and have thrown hints out there, but nothing comes out of it. I feel these last six years has put a hold on the life I really want. When I moved out 4 years ago, it really hurt him and he is reluctant to allow us to be under one roof again. I made that decision for my children. The toxic atmosphere was getting verbally abusive towards me and my children. Long story short, after 6 years he is my best friend, but why continue this relationship if there is no future that I can see?
Tammy
I think he just needs someone to talk abt his issues… I had many of those kind of friends in my life. The minute you start interacting its like dipping ur toe in their Pandora’s box of woes.. while being there for friends during their bad times is important, it is equally important to not get dragged in their drama. You hardly know him and hes not even a friend. So just be careful.
If i was in ur place, i wldnt be inititaing chats with him thats for sure!
Raven
“I want him to commit and have thrown hints out there, but nothing comes out of it. I feel these last six years has put a hold on the life I really want.”
Enough said… Why do you keep up this charade?
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