Is it too late to reconcile?


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Serena 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #785897 Reply

    Serena

    My ex and I split up before Christmas due to mistakes I made. My inability to compromise on certain issues and my anxieties about whether or not he loved me led to me pushing him away. I need a lot of verbal affirmation and reassurance in relationships, whereas he needs physical touch and just being with each other to express and feel loved. We fought because he didn’t verbalize his feelings but if I’d been less anxious and just opened my eyes, I would’ve realised he did love me. In the end he left because I didn’t trust his feelings.

    I went into no contact immediately. We then talked 10 days later but I still blamed him for his lack of affirmation. He said he did love me but isn’t convinced it’ll be any different. We both cried but I then left and then went into no contact for 30 days by going on a long holiday to Australia. Whilst I was there I deleted Whatsapp (so I will have greyed out for him.) I now regret this because I now realise he will have likely thought I blocked him, rather than just have a detox from communicating with everyone. I literally put my phone away for a month.

    When I got back, I reinstalled Whatsapp and noticed he was greyed out. He had deleted my phone number (I know how he has his settings, because i put his number in my mum’s phone and he was greyed out for her, too, but in a mutual friend’s phone he was still visible) I text him:

    I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you so much. I would really love to see you. Would you like to go for a drink this weekend?xx

    He replied and asked how my holiday was. He said it looked like i’d had fun. He said he had just gone on holiday for two weeks but we could sort something out when he got back. He then added my number again as his face reappeared. I felt positive and went into no contact again while he was away.

    He got back last week and I messaged to ask him for that drink. He has ignored me. I then texted the next day, on Valentine’s, pouring my heart out asking for a second chance. He ignored me again. We still follow each other on social and he hasn’t deleted my number yet again.

    We were together 10 months. He’s 34 and I’m 35.

    I am thinking about sending him a letter that accepts my accountability and offers solutions to the challenges we faced. He is a very pragmatic and logical thinker and doesn’t drive with his heart but rather his head. He wants solutions and I’ve not yet provided any to him.

    Is it too late now, at almost three months, to even try to reconcile?

    Sx

    #785898 Reply

    Lane

    I know its hard but it sounds likes he lost enough feelings for you to not want to try again.

    IMO, this isn’t the time to try a do over with him but to seriously work on your issues so you don’t drag the same baggage back into another relationship. I know it sucks when the other party doesn’t want to try again, however it really is for the best because it gives you the time you need to work through the areas you struggle the most so you can become a better version of yourself moving forward.

    I understand we all have our ‘love languages’ but it sounds like yours is excessive to the point its more about filling a void v. growing into a mature adult relationship. When you *need* someone to do something to make you feel secure or happy then you are seeking it from the the wrong place as its a pretty heavy burden to place it on one person’s shoulders and best to spread it around with family, friends, hobbies, etc. A man should be the cherry on top of your fabulous life; not the center of it.

    There are a lot of good books on the subjects you struggle with that would be a first good step in getting you to a better place so the next relationship doesn’t suffer the same fate this one did—knowledge is power.

    #785900 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Lane made some excellent points.

    To answer your question, whether it’s too late to reconcile– the question isn’t whether it’s too late. Six months isn’t that long. The question is whether he wants to reconcile, and it doesn’t appear he wants to.

    When you sent him that heartfelt message about missing him and wanting to see him, he replied asking how your holiday was (I assume he didn’t say “I miss you too”, or you would have mentioned it?) Then he went away on holiday, didn’t contact you, and has been ignoring your heartfelt messages since he’s returned, including on Valentine’s Day.

    If he were interested in reconciling with you, he would have at least met you for a drink, or acknowledged your messages. He certainly wouldn’t be ignoring you. The fact that he hasn’t blocked your number or deleted you from social media is meaningless. The fact that he knows what you want and is totally ignoring you is what matters. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but you can’t convince someone to try again who doesn’t want to.

    #785934 Reply

    Newbie

    You are pushing and you are looking for reasons to apologize. But him being pragmatic doesnt mean he isnst aware you are trying to reach out and he is silent. Thats a choice. You are now assuming you did everything wrong and want to redeem yourself. But besides a few true bunny boiler stories its rarely that black and white. I sincerely doubt you were misreading all his signs that he loved you, but you were just looking for more validation in words. These cases are way more often a two way street where you sense he is not all in. Stop beating yourself on the head about this and really dont send him more heartfelt stuff. At this point he doesnt deserve any plus it would probably have more likely an opposite effect, where you are begging for his love. Dont go there

    #786072 Reply

    E

    We met on hindge. He had gotten out of year and a half long relationship four months prior to downloading the app and met me shortly after downloading. I was on the app because my friends insisted on me putting myself out there after not having a boyfriend since my senior year of highschool, i’m a junior in college now. I didn’t like dating much so i just followed “the steps” my friends guided me on- snapchat them, ask for a date, get to know them, find a connection possibly and worst case get a free meal on the date. I had gone on a dozen other dates and no connection, i began feeling like a robot on these dates until i met him.

    I was the first and only girl he had gone on a date with through the app, he was 5 years older then me, successful, has similar interests, goals, sense of humor, I adored him. But my walls were up and expectations low. He spent the next 3-4 months promising me he wouldn’t hurt me that he’d care so much about me, how he adored me and how i was nearly perfect. He never imagined dating again and Hindge was more of a confidence boost but since he met me his mind was changed and we were exclusive. The first red flag was when I found out he had added new pictures to his hindge account a month after we were officially exclusive- i was hurt at first- but he swore it was a mindless act and he didn’t even realize he had done it. At first i was insulted he’d think I believed him, but i had had lousy ex’s in the past and could have been bringing those past feelings into him. He said if i were him he would’ve left bc it looked bad but he still said he was innocent. I continued to try to work on my trust issues and i was happy. I was just now waiting for things to be offical.

    Until one day hanging out I brought up that I had a conversation with this older guy( I met when I worked at a restaurant once, he was older and said if i flirted with him he’d venmo me money, because he didn’t look creepy & being a college student I thought it was a sweet deal. The guy I was exclusive with praised me for how lucky I was before officially exclusive) So when we were hanging out once I brought up that I had a conversation recently with this older man. He got uncomfortable now though, when i said I was flirty with him and how I didn’t realize how that was wrong bc it was a business transaction imo he freaked out. said loyality was his biggest value and he couldn’t see me as loyal anymore.

    He never looked at me the same, he tried to work on it with me, but it was like he switched. He went from looking at me so lovingly, out of a movie to looking at me with disgust. My friends said they didn’t think it was worth his reaction, his friends said i was a huge red flag. i’ve tried to ask my friends how he could view me so badly? and even amplifying the story we still can’t comprehend how after everything we’ve been through (i mean talking for around 5 months, looking at each other like we weren’t real, that we were perfect, making future plans together, meeting each other friends telling our families about each other) to him just leaving me. why would he leave me?

    I also blocked the guy when i realized that that relationship even though purely for money would hurt him and reassured him that but he still stopped liking me. he says he never expected to meet someone like me who’d change his no dating rule, bc i was “perfect” to him, and now that he’s 25 he has to think long term and he can’t anymore with me bc of that one thing. because we weren’t offical i feel like i can’t rant to my friends about this, they’ve been in long term relationships and might belittle the value of it, but honestly i’m so heartbroken. i can’t help but think about him a lot, and every time i do i’m so heartbroken it hurts a ton. how can he not remember how happy we used to be? was his “lovingness” and those promises all a lie in the beginning?

    i blocked him on everything, except text and have reached out to him once on snapchat but blocked him immediatly once i saw i was left on read, he only texted me once asking if i has blocked him on everything i said yes and that was the end of the conversation. the break up happened two weeks ago. what can i do? i miss him so much but i feel like he doesn’t feel the same and that makes me so sad. i wish we could go back to the beginning, is that possible at all anymore? is there anything I can do? if not how do i cope with this heartbreak?

    #786075 Reply

    Lane

    Now you know trying to make a guy jealous or flirting with other men and then telling them about it was a stupid move. If my BF told me that, I would in no uncertain tell him to pound sand and walk away as I have no desire to be with those kind of people. Some of the hardest lessons in life are learned this way and you just learned a hard one.

    #786078 Reply

    tammy

    your making a big mess. I suggest you walk away. atleast for the present. atleast for few months. if thereafter you still think you have feelings for him re aproach with a casual and soft tone. no heavy duty stuff. based on his response you can take it from there. I think by approaching so many times, you may come across as desperate and clingy which may not work to your advantage.

    #786091 Reply

    Potato

    Why’s my comment not posting

    Mod update: Sorry about that! The issue was related to a spam filter getting a little nervous. Not your fault. I found your trapped comment and released it from the queue.

    #786130 Reply

    Serena

    Sorry someone has added a post to mine that isn’t my story. E is not me, but I feel her frustration. Much love to all

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