Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he playing or freaking out?
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K.
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Sonja
3 months ago I met this guy briefly when i was on holidays / vacation, it was very brief, he was running an activity I was doing. When I returned from holidays, he sent me a message and to my own surprise we started chatting every day. A few days later he admitted that he was also acting in porn movies (I have proof it’s true). I thought it was quite fun and asked him a lot of questions, our chats were just friendly by then. He was happily surprised that I was so cool about it and answered all my questions sincerely. In one convo he told me he had not been in love since starting porn a few years ago and did not want to but that he knew someday he would fall in love when he would least expect it and maybe then his life would change.
We carried on chatting and a month later he admitted he fancied me. Now 3 months in we still talk almost everyday and 9 times out of 10 he initiates. He sends me beautiful photos of where he lives or songs. We talk about everything for hours. We’ve also started sexting every once in a while and he tells me every time it’s crazy and no one makes him feel like this (maybe 3 times since we’ve started chatting).
2 days ago we had one of those very long convo and he kept saying how much he’s looking forward to seeing me again in person (I’m going back there in the summer for a wedding) and hopes it will be as great in person as it feels now. But since then he hasn’t messaged me since and I first I did not make much of it as he always pulls away a little bit when we get close but usually comes back after 24hrs. I texted him this morning and he hasn’t replied 7hrs later which is very unusual, yet he is online… He can’t be that busy since we are all locked into our homes and not working.
I’ve noticed he is a lot online every day. Am I being a fool and just one of many girls he is texting or is he freaking out now that we seem to both really like each other? Probably overthinking but I’ve been hurt before and don’t want to be played.
Newbie
The answer in short is: Yes you are being played very likely by a guy who cant commit to anyone at all. The pornactor stuff, the long distance and occasional sexting are all proof of that. Dont believe his words. If he were into ypu, hecwoild come see you and not wait for summer. This is a penpal
Sonja
I get your point… But bearing in mind there’s an 11-hour flight between us and we’ve only met in person once that would be a bit intense for him to come here just to see me. And very much impossible now with COVID.
Sexting’s only happened 3 times in the last 2 months (we’ve been chatting for 3 months almost daily about our lives and tastes / hobbies, etc.). Seems like a lot of effort for 3 sexting sessions for a guy who has sex for a living. I’ve never sent him any pictures of myself (not crazy) and the only times he sent pictures of himself (very rare) was with my permission.
But yet the constantly online and the lack of communication since Monday worries me a little…
Raven
How are his pornos?
Newbie
You are missing the point. You are convenient to him because you are far away, require no effort and are into him anyway. Thats his preference (99% sure). Porn and sexting doesnt require real love making. Its just getting off. If you were hurt in its past, your worst bet is this guy. Or are you emotionally unavailable yourself as well? Im not saying this guy doesnt like you, he probably does, but he doesnt want a relationship with you or is in love with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but i hope you can snap out of this
Newbie
You asked if you are being played. Im telling you, you are (and probably others who will repond will say sort of the same) and you follow up with a post in denial about being played. Its not the 3 day absence that is a worry, its the 3 month texting prior to this. Do you even talk on the phone? Or is all just text
Sonja
You’re right, I am emotionally unavailable too… It’s something I’ve been battling against for a while and I wonder if I like him because he is far and so it is almost a reason not to get too close but I am torn because no man has challenged me intellectually like he does (he is very intelligent and cultured)…
He’s texted me since I first posted… The truth is I’m too scared to ask where this is going because I’m not sure what I want either. Maybe I’m messed up too! Maybe we attract each other because we are both emotionally unavailable and keeping our cards close to our chests…
Sometimes just talking about it to strangers helps get some perspective about your own flaws I guess
Tallspicy
This is not about him, it is about you. Why you want a sex worker, why you would accept long distance with no plan, why you get caught up with words as opposed to actions. And why are you s3xting with a stranger in porn???? Please take off your rose colored glasses!!!
I do not know if he is playing you or not, but this has a high probability of projection and fantasy, as all ldrs do.
Only way out: point blank tell him you want something real and talking is not cutting it. Then ask if he wants the same thing and if so, what is he going to do about it? And only answer is book a ticket to see you.
Otherwise, just leave it as fun, stop talking so much and see him casually when you are there.
Tallspicy
And btw, you do not go see him. Period. Unless it was already planned.
Newbie
It Takes some work to become emotionally available. It requires knowledge of yourself growing up, your role models, your experiences. I was emotionally unavailable for pretty much my whole adult life, with a deeprooted feeling no one would love me. That this man challenges you intellectually and culturally is total bs. You just fell for his sweet talk. There are men close to you can match your wants. All this time chatting denies yourself the change of meeting someone good. Loving someone does require some bravery at first but once you recognize it will not swallow you alive, its not a scary thing. Looking back i should have done things differently starting with therapy. So i hope you take that step
kaye
Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t understand how you can build a relationship with someone when they are 11 hours away and you’ve only met them once!! Personally the only long distance relationships I have known to work are those where the people had dated IN PERSON for awhile and then were forced to do long distance due to school, job transfer, military, etc. Trying to build a healthy relationship when the two of you can’t see each other in person is more than difficult, it’s almost impossible! Now you want to add the fact this guy is a porn star whose job is to have sex with women for money and you really think you could live with that if this did turn into a relationship? I think you are incredibly naive to think this guy who runs activities at a vacation resort isn’t contacting other women he’s met the same way!! Do you really think you’re the only one he’s sending messages to and the only one he’s sexting?
I think this will all fizzle out before you make it back for the summer wedding. And I realize this COVID virus has made traveling to see each other impossible for now but why would you not be open to him flying to see you if it were possible? If the guy was really interested in you he would be saving up his money to fly to see you as soon as he could!! Unfortunately I think you are at a very high risk of getting hurt and being played here. If you were conversing with other guys as well as him then maybe you wouldn’t be so hung up and focused on him and what he’s doing online. I think you feel invested after spending 3 months talking even though it means nothing.
K
What makes you so sure he’s not working? Doesn’t take much for him to have someone or a few someones come over and make a porn video. The homemade stuff is very popular and a piece of cake to make and upload to a paywall site.
You realize that if you’re going to have a sexual relationship with him you’re going to have to get tested for everything about every month, just like he does, if he’s responsible about his work. In some places, monthly testing for sex workers is mandatory. Your risk of contracting something, like herpes or HPV, will be much higher than average. Think about that.
But mainly, I think you’re into him because there’s little chance of this going anywhere for a number of reasons. As you say, you’re unavailable, so you’re going to be attracted to men who aren’t going to require you to show up and get real. Therapy. Unless you want to keep living your life this way.
Good luck.
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