Is he ghosting me?


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This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Liz Lemon 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #821637 Reply

    Not the real lily Collins

    Hi guys. I’m not usually the one to panic but my bf of a year has not been in contact with me for 5 days now.

    I had a busy and stressful week last week as I almost got made sacked at work for political reasons I won’t get into so I thought we both could use the weekend for some space and me time.

    But he’s never done this in the past and is now pissing me off a bit. We’ve only gone a weekend or two-three days without contact and I usually am not bothered as we both love each other.

    And…if worse comes to worse, he breaks up with me, then f*** it, his lost. But what I don’t appreciate is being ghosted after a year and it’s a serious relationship. If it was only a few dates, yeah whatever ghost all you want.

    Any advice/ thoughts ladies?

    #821650 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Have you contacted him? If you’ve been dating a year I don’t see why you don’t reach out to him?

    I’m wondering if there is something more going on since you are talking about breaking up/ghosting. It seems like a big leap to make, to assume he’s ghosting you, unless there are other issues. My bf and I communicate daily, but if I didn’t hear from him for an unusual length of time, I would reach out to him, I would not assume he was ghosting me. That’s why I’m wondering if there is more going on here?

    #821651 Reply

    Not the real lily Collins

    I did, I phoned him once last night but didn’t reply and no word from him at all today.

    Not that I know off. Nothing is going on, just the usual. No fights or argument. I had a stressful week last week with work and office politics. I told him about it and that’s about it really.

    I’m probably not in the best shape after last week and maybe the break up talk from me is reflected from last week? Nothing from him indicates otherwise.

    I don’t want to reach out again as I already did last night. I mean he’s fully capable of texting or phoning no?

    #821652 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi if this is not normal of him, I would try calling him one more time and leaving a message. Or sending a text asking him of he is ok. After a year it would be quite rude for him to just ghost. You know him better than we do what is your gut saying? Do you think he is avoiding you because of your stressful week? Were you leaning on him and complaining that he felt you needed space? It just seems very odd and inconsiderate of him to let you wonder for a week.

    #821654 Reply

    Raven

    Are you sure he’s physically ok?

    #821658 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    OK then that is very strange. I would be worried that something physically had happened to him, like Raven said. If you feel in your gut that he would not ghost (which I would hope not, after a year!), then this is an unsettling situation. Has he been active on social media in the past 5 days?

    If he is avoiding you because of your stressful week– that would upset me, as a gf. After a year, a bf should not be avoiding his partner when she is stressed, he should be checking in and offering support. Not smothering her, but certainly he should reply to calls/texts from her at the very least. So I hope he’s not keeping his distance from you just because you were stressed at work. If anything he should be stepping up to support you in whatever way you need.

    #821661 Reply

    Tallspicy

    It is a red flag to me that you almost got fired over politics. Unless you are very senior, that is unlikely true, and creating drama might be more like it. Have you ever had this issue at work before?

    And if you tend to be dramatic, he may have had enough.

    #821666 Reply

    Not the real lily collins

    Yeah he’s been active on social media but not as often. Like every 6-12 hours I think. From that I assume he’s physically ok?

    Not sure why tallspicy would say that this isn’t true and I was dramatic.. Story is I recently started a new job and my salary is higher than this other person who’s worked there for 10 years. I overheard him the other day complaining about me, that I was able to take a days off and my boss favours me over him whereas he can’t even get one day off although he’s had many days off (I’ve only had two days off so far, one was a sick day, thought I had covid, and one for the electrician to come to my apartment) and he complains everyday about everything e.g. his pay, his working hours, moan about clients using horrible words and would kick things around and huffing puffing. I never ever said anything and kept my head down and kept quiet. Then last week I was told I had to leave/ move but my boss advised me to stay.

    Regardless of work stuff, I’m not sure what’s going on with my bf…

    #821675 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I was just questioning it. If not true, then just wait about the boyfriend. Do not contact him again. Period. He knows where to find you.

    #821877 Reply

    Kara

    OP- I agree with liz lemon and raven. Go with their words. Ignore TS- how awful to not even give you the benefit of the doubt. Sadly there are still tons of workplaces filled with unconscious bias where women aren’t treated equally.

    Good luck, let us know how this goes, and while posting on social media most likely means he’s “fine”- seeing is believing. With how long you’d been together I’d want to see him- having the relationship go poof or virtual only suddenly with no explanation just raises red flags to me. Also seeing him face to face could tell you nothing or it could tell you a lot about the past 5 days.

    #821888 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    The whole situation just stinks. Even if something had happened to him and he was not “fine” (sick or hospitalized or whatever)– you’re his girlfriend, he should have told you. A year is a significant length of time for a relationship. I just can’t imagine a scenario where ignoring your partner of 1 year for 5+ days would be okay, unless you were unconscious in a hospital somewhere (which he clearly is not, if he’s been on social media). Please do keep us posted, I hope it somehow all works out and you get the answers you need!

    #821891 Reply

    Gaia

    Show up and ask what’s going on. That’s what I’d do. I usually hate confrontation but if my gut was telling me something was off, I’d want to know what and why.

    #821896 Reply

    Not the real lily Collins

    Hi guys! Thanks for all the messages. Like I said I’m usually not the one to panic but my gut tells me somethings off.

    So I managed to contact him and all he said was he’s fine just stressed about life and bills, which seems like he’s telling some truth but doesn’t explain the sudden shift in behaviour. I can’t just show up as where we at, we’re in partial lockdown and we live 60 miles away.

    I wasn’t too happy with this…you know whatever this situation is and I feel like he’s ignoring me and avoid talking bout it. It’s like draining water from rock. I can’t tell you how stressed out I am from work, but everyone’s got their fair share you know.

    I’m close to being done with him to be honest… It’s only been 5 days, well today is the 6th but we did talk though I had to initiate.

    I don’t want to be a bitch and not be fair but I feel like I’ve been left in the dark for the past week Nd still not satisfied with his cold response.

    Really don’t understand his sudden shift in response. Any more advice? I’m feeling a bit insecure now you know did he cheat on me or something? Tho nothing suggests or nor I have concrete evidence.

    #821902 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This whole pandemic situation has made a lot of people act in strange ways. Recently a number of my friends, family members, and coworkers have been feeling totally crappy– feeling depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, bored, frustrated (I have had multiple conversations with different people about this). My bf is an essential worker so his day to day life hasn’t changed much (except for not being able to go out to bars/restaurants)– he is still working as he always did, and we see each other all the time– so he is probably the one person I know who isn’t feeling totally crappy these days, honestly. Everyone else I know is struggling. So I am more inclined to cut folks slack these days when it comes to emotional stuff.

    And not to mention, there is a lot of stress and anxiety around the election and politics.

    So I really don’t know. You know your bf, and you know in your gut if something is off. It may just be that he is really feeling the weight of things at the current moment. If he lives a distance away and you can’t see each other much, it makes things harder for you as a couple.

    But I am not saying that you should excuse inconsiderate behavior, or settle for being treated like an afterthought. It’s really up to you to think about whether his behavior is a deep rooted problem in the relationship, or if he is maybe just suffering the weight of things right now (has he had problems with work? does he have family/friends who are affected by Covid in some way?). He is telling you he is stressed, which means something. Hopefully he can open up and talk to you about this a bit more. But he has to be willing to open up and reach out and meet you halfway.

    #821904 Reply

    Elvira

    I agree that this pandemic is making people act in different ways especially feeling some type of depression/sadness. However I agree with you that his cold response is not that of someone who is being considerate. You have other problems. I would say something to him like: you have been distant this week and I feel like you want some space so if that is what you need I will give it to you…if you need to talk or vent give me a call…I am here for you.
    Other than that I can’t see where else you can go with this….others would have probably called him out on his BS by getting angry that he hasn’t called and having you worried. Either route you take do what you feel is right because if he needed space he should have stated that prior.

    #821907 Reply

    Newbie

    Its really hard to give advice when its one year of a good relationship and one week off. But it does deserve a talk about where both of you stand. If he totally shuts you out when he is feeling stressed and maybe also having financial issues, is not a good sign for future behaviour when things get rocky and you deserve to know how he views this and give your opinion about it. On the other hand its a few days of not talking being busy. So it can be easily resolved with a promise from both sides to check in every day. I suggest you go try to take this a rational as you can as i feel after a year you either grow closer and slowly become each other body parts sort of speak. Or find out its not a good match. I wouldnt approach this to dramatic as a make or break talk. But state you did made you feel. When you do meet. Take care and to me you dont sound like a drama queen so forget those red flag comments.

    #821909 Reply

    Not the real lily Collins

    Cheers for all the comments!

    @Newbie I know from the past that when he’s stressed he goes into his ‘cave’. He’ll be out once he’s good and ready.

    @Liz lemon I’ll take your advice and wait for him to meet me halfway. I’m gonna have faith that he’s got a good reason and I trust him despite Id gone a bit insecure for like 20 mins haha.

    #824334 Reply

    Not the real lily Collins

    So here’s an update.

    We had a talk and he opened up to me about feeling stressed and alone sometimes. He doesn’t like his boss and work in general and called it a ‘prison’. He works six days a week and he’s always tired now.

    Things were alright for a week but then last weekend and this week, he’s not contacted me at all. I had to contact him and he didn’t reply to my call and the text I sent.

    I initiated contact yesterday and we talked but when I asked him what’s up, he just said nothing, and he brought up work being like a ‘prison’.during the call, there were silences as well and it’s making me go a bit worried now. What’s happening? Something feels off and he’s not telling me.

    He’s not big on social media, but he does message his friends I’m there and I still check sometimes. I noticed he’s been barely online. He can go 12-24 hours without going on messenger.

    Is this it ladies? Is this the moment where it. It quits? I’m really really frustrated…

    #824347 Reply

    Newbie

    I feel you have two choices. Leave him alone for now and see when he resurfaces with a reasonable coming back vibe. You do reach out a lot even when you say youre not the type.
    Or reach the conclusion that at this stage he is flaky and you deserve better. Doesnt mean you have to break up over night but soon.
    If he works 6 days a week and calls work his prison than i imagine its hell for him. That sucks all the energy right out of him. If i work 6 days a week. Did that suddenly happen or were there things leading up to this? So you could also argue he has a hard time and youre not exactly a cushion to land on. You are asking if the relationship is good so youre adding on the stress.
    I would give him more time, stop asking how he is doing and try to have a fun date. Be light but also be heavy in asking him how long he can go on doing this job. Does he have alternatives? So stop making this about you for now and see his side. In the end you could be right with your gut he is not feeling it anymore, but i would try that approach first.

    #824367 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I don’t give a figs ass that this man finds his work a prison. Any man who did not call me for a week or respond to me? I would assume we are broken up and I would start dating again immediately or be out there.

    You are not this mans mother…. a place for him to come and go. You are his partner. His behavior is unacceptable and accept it at your peril. It is not your job to guess what is happening or make it easy for him, you are not a puppy. Screw him. Lose his number and if he calls again make him start from scratch or tell him to F off.

    #824369 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I really like Newbie’s advice. How often do you see each other? I understand you live some distance apart, so it’s not easy to get together spontaneously, but you must plan to see each other regularly? When’s the last time you had a fun date?

    I understand the point she made about work being hell for him too. But after a year, you should be more of a soft place to land for him. Someone he can lean on rather than shut out when he’s stressed. So that would worry me. I don’t know if it’s necessarily because you’re doing anything wrong– maybe the connection isn’t there for you two. I understand that guys go into their caves when they’re stressed, but this has been going on for weeks.

    Has he talked to you about work, about looking for another job? My bf was working an extremely stressful job when I met him and it was making him miserable, and within our first year I had already helped him with his resume and cover letter, encouraged him to apply and go on interviews (supporting him during that process), and he found a new job just around the time we had our 1 year anniversary. My point is, your long term boyfriend should be looking to you for support, not shutting you out.

    Like Newbie, I’m not saying you should dump him immediately, but he needs to meet you halfway. I would take her advice about making things less about you in the short term and supporting him through his current job problems. This could actually be an opportunity to bring the two of you closer (it worked that way for me and my bf). But in the long term, if you don’t see progress, it may be time to end it.

    #824370 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    LOL, Tallspicy and I cross-posted. I do agree with some of her points too! You aren’t his mother, that’s what I meant by he needs to meet you halfway. If he’s going through some kind of work crisis, and he shuts you out rather than reaching out to you as a partner– that’s not a good sign. It’s not about mothering him, it’s about being a supportive and encouraging partner. And he is not allowing you to do that.

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