This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 week, 2 days ago.
November 13, 2022 at 5:57 pm #939429
I’ve been with my man for over two years and we live together. Both of us are in our early 30s. We’re running into an issue where he’s not happy because I don’t plan things for us. He says that whatever we’re doing is because he put it in motion. And that even when we’re laying on the couch chillin is because he’s told himself that’s what we’re doing because I didn’t plan anything. He says that even if that’s what I want to do (lay on the couch) he wants to know that’s what I want to do instead of having to wonder “what are we doing today”. I find it slightly unfair because when he sends me things he’d like to check out (like Instagram links) I’m the one doing the research about when, where, how much and how we’re getting there, so I feel like I am contributing. From my perspective, I already do a lot of things for the relationship. I have had to learn to accept the fact that I will be a working woman as well as a housewife because he’s not good at (doesn’t like) doing any housework (chores, cleaning, cooking, etc) I used to nag him all the time about that but since nothing was happening I thought I’d save the energy and just suck it up. But then a few days ago I finally get him to sit down with me to look at plane tickets for Thanksgiving (we were going to spend it with his family) and he got upset when we realized everything was too expensive. Later I found out that he was upset because I didn’t push more to look for the tickets, and that last year when we were spending it with my friends I made sure we had tickets more than a month in advance. Another thing that made this issue come up is that we had this fancy party lined up for a Saturday and the tickets were pretty pricey. Earlier in the week, I was in a car accident and it’s possible that my car will end up being totaled, so I told him that I would prefer to not go to the party and save that money because I don’t know what the car situation will end up being like. He later told me he was upset about that because I canceled the party but didn’t offer a solution or an alternative. Same with the thanksgiving plans, because I kept asking him what he wanted to do instead of actually suggesting or doing something. He says I ask a lot and don’t do. He says that if I’m having a bad day or a bad situation he doesn’t ask me what I’d like him to do, he just does it to help me. I get that and I appreciate him for it, but I don’t think the same way. I don’t know. Writing it down now, it all seems dumb.November 13, 2022 at 7:14 pm #939430
Sorry, it sounds like your relationship is heading South. He’s nitpicking at you for stupid stuff…
Are you really happy?
He’s not helping you at all with the chores?!November 14, 2022 at 2:35 am #939435
I agree with Raven , he is just finding excuses to break up with you, this is obviously not nice, but seriously he isn’t happy about the fact that you don’t plan and he has to sit on the couch…
why do you even want to be with a man who can’t do any chores? it is exhausting.November 14, 2022 at 2:45 am #939436
Are you really happy? This is a good question.November 14, 2022 at 5:12 am #939438
from what I could understand? he comes up with ideas and you act on those ideas to make them happen. that’s not one way street. just that he is better with ideas and your better with execution.
Are you sure you want to be with someone who keeps cribbing and pointing fingers at you?? this can quickly get toxic, and lot of resentment built up. besides he doesnt help in the house!! that’s even worst!
my suggestion is for you to write your pros and cons for this guy and the relatnhip. i have a feeling the cons will fair outweigh the pros.November 14, 2022 at 2:19 pm #939440
Why are you resigning yourself to be a working woman AND a housewife because your guy refuses to lift a finger? Why are you willing to tolerate so much guff from him? This is silly – he expects to sit back and let you be the social director and complain when he doesn’t like it, even though he made no effort? And you are trying to be financially responsible by skipping a costly party? Either he’s trying to force a break-up or he’s gotten very entitled. Time for a heart-to-heart to see if you can get some clarity on what his expectations are and what part of it you are willing to work with and what part he has to take his own responsibility for. Be prepared it might not go well, or he may pick a fight. Stop giving in and doing everything. Oh and tell him you’re hiring a housekeeper for which he will pay at least half, because you’re too busy to keep up with all of it. How he responds will tell you a lot about him and whether there’s any room for cooperation or if he just wants to dictate and expect you to read his mind and meet his needs on his terms.
Can you imagine trying to have a child or children with him???? He won’t lift a finger, it will be all on you. One of my friends is in this situation and she’s about ready to file for divorce, and it’s very sad to see.
Brace yourself. It’s time to decide if this relationship has a future or not.November 14, 2022 at 2:26 pm #939441
If this was a good relationship, each of you need to adjust your expectations (he’s a planner; you are not) and accept that’s just how each of you operates.
But you don’t sound very happy and might be starting to feel like the fall guy for everything that’s wrong the relationship.
You know you don’t HAVE to stay where you are not valued, right?November 15, 2022 at 3:49 am #939442
I agree with guys too, it seems like he’s simply looking for reasons to break up with you, which is certainly not nice, but truly, he’s not happy that you don’t plan and he has to sit on the couch…November 15, 2022 at 6:05 am #939443
Per usual, everyone jumps to… he is going to dump you. Two years is about when honeymoon wears off. I just thing you two need to do a few things:
A. You need to plan a few things, not an unreasonable request.
B. He needs to do things around the house. You don’t do chores for him, you are not his mother. So if he leaves a mess, you don’t nag him, you clean your stuff up and let his fester.
C. You both need to look at what each of you does right for about a month and share it.
D. Consider jointly reading a book on better communication and stop using generalized statements like you never.November 15, 2022 at 6:06 am #939444
I love the idea of a cleaning person payed jointly.November 15, 2022 at 8:08 am #939446
Out of curiosity, would you say your husband feels overwhelmed with life in general right now?
I could be totally wrong here, but when I read your description, I wondered if this is a guy who feels like he’s struggling with life yet can’t communicate that he feels like he’s failing and needs help.
When men feel like they’re “failing at life”, they can become quite unpleasant to deal with. It’s been said that men will express anger and criticism when they’re upset because that’s the only emotion they feel say to communicate. Men don’t feel safe to communicate fear, shame, defeat, etc.
If he’s feeling like he’s drowning, he probably won’t communicate it in that way. He doesn’t want you to worry, he doesn’t want you to think he’s a loser, he doesn’t want you to feel incapable.
Men instead tend to push people away when they’re feeling stressed so they have space to regroup and figure out a solution. That could be what’s happening here.
I have a suggestion or two, but let me know if I’m making sense here or if I’m totally off-track.November 15, 2022 at 1:58 pm #939450
You are surprisingly spot on. We had a follow up conversation where admitted he didn’t use the right words to describe what he’s feeling. Apparently his issue is that he feels lost and unfulfilled. He has big lofty goals that he feels he’s not making progress on. And he wants some type of guidance but he doesn’t know where to get it, so his instinct is to turn to me. But when I can’t read him and fail to appease him, that’s when he starts feeling “bad”. I told him I wish I could read him like that, but it’s very hard when he withdraws.
I would love to hear your suggestions. He’s a wonderful person, we just have very different priorities and ways of looking at life.November 15, 2022 at 3:27 pm #939457
How awesome for you…
He doesn’t help you around the house AND takes his stuff out on you.
Again, are you happy with this?November 15, 2022 at 3:57 pm #939458
Eric – they’re not married. It makes a big difference if you’re married, but she says they’ve been together two years and are living together. Which is why she’s getting the advice she’s getting about a possible break-up. You are certainly right about everything you said. The other reason men will start nit-picking and blaming is to bring on a break-up that they can’t initiate in a more direct way. I hope you can help the OP sort out which it might be and how to proceed.November 15, 2022 at 6:15 pm #939460
AngieBaby – oh wow, I don’t know how I flubbed that in my head.
The coffee must not have kicked in when I was writing back this morning! :)November 15, 2022 at 6:53 pm #939462
Just wanted to make sure you saw my other response above! I’m very curious about your suggestions.November 17, 2022 at 7:19 am #939484
In this answer, my goal is to give you a path to improve your relationship with him.
I want to point out that I’m not excusing his behavior or saying that anyone is to blame for it. I could talk about such things, but my impression is that you came here because you want your relationship to improve and you want to know how to do it.
So that’s what I’m going to discuss. It’s not to say I’m not aware of what’s happened that’s wrong or unfair, but rather, all that stuff is irrelevant if we can get your relationship to a better place.
What do I mean when I say a better place?
– He’s in a better mood and that good mood spills into the relationship (instead of a bad mood).
– Even when he’s upset, he treats you as someone on his team, not someone he blames or criticizes as somehow responsible.
– You feel that your relationship is growing deeper, more loving, more bonded.
– You feel like your relationship works and flows well. When there are problems you can work them out and end up in a better place than before. And when things are good, you are both so happy that neither of you even think about “the relationship” because it’s so obviously good you don’t need to think about it.
My impression is that’s where you want to be, so that’s all I’m going to speak to here.
Let’s take a step back and do a thought experiment.
If you can (for just this moment with me), I want you to erase everything you think you know about men. Everything you’ve observed in your life, everything you’ve seen in shows/movies, everything you’ve seen on social media about men, common relationship advice…
Just for this moment, forget all of it so we have a blank slate.
There’s an emotion that drives all men.
Men can feel all the emotions, but this particular emotion is stronger than all the other emotions.
It determines his mood, it determines whether he feels good or not.
This “emotion” is his sense of whether he’s winning at life or failing at life.
Why is this important?
If a man feels like he’s “winning”, he feels the ultimate good mood. He’s happy, he’s enthusiastic, he’s motivated. He’s his best, strongest self. Usually that also means he’s generous, easy-going, loving, etc.
If he feels like he’s “losing”, he is living in agony. At every moment, he feels a powerful gnawing sense that life is painful and unhappy. He will feel ashamed, angry, sad, unmotivated, humiliated, weak, pathetic, etc.
And since men don’t feel like they can show their emotions (as they feel it telegraphs that they’re losing), it usually is only shown as anger or emotional withdrawal.
This is so important to understand: Men have all the emotions, but this emotion of winning/losing is so strong, it overpowers all other emotions.
In that way, it is really the only emotion to consider when dealing with a man. If you can support this “winning” emotion, it is the emotional gateway to everything with him: Deep connection, appreciation, love, inspiration, etc.
As far as a man is concerned, that’s really the only relationship that can work: A relationship with a woman that understands his primary emotional experience!
Why? Because whether you’re there or not, he has to deal with this emotion!
For the rest of his life, he needs to walk this line of figuring out how to live in a way where he feels he is “winning” in the ways that mean the most to him.
So that’s the background here that you must be aware of.
If this is the one thing you’re aware of, then you can get very far with men. And without understanding this fact about men, you could waste years trying to connect with a man and never hit the target.
It’s really that important.
I could say a lot more, but I want to just leave you with that for now.
I want you to really deeply consider what I said here.
Specifically, I want you to forget how you used to look at the previous arguments and instead look at it from this one easy perspective:
Everything a man says and does reflects how he currently feels about his “winning” at life.
If he’s upset, angry, sad, unpleasant, etc. it’s because he feels like he’s losing in his life in some meaningful way.
Regardless of what he’s saying to explain himself, you can be assured he’s in agony on the inside.
Instead of imagining that you have an interpersonal “relationship problem” that involves the two of you, I want you to experiment with imagining that he is having a personal problem with feeling like he’s losing at life.
This is just an experiment.
Just imagine that. Imagine you’re dealing with a man who’s heart is breaking every day under the weight of the world. He is burning in fear, stress, shame, humiliation, frustration… and on top of that, he can’t even express it because he feels that would make him even more of a loser (and thus, feel worse!).
Again, this is just an experiment.
But I want you to imagine it.
What kind of perspective does this give you? What kinds of ways might you talk to him instead (both when he’s being unpleasant but also when things are good)?
That’s what I want to leave you with for now.
I just put out a new product called The Missing Factor. I’m not here to advertise that per se, but I can tell you that I explain all the dynamics of how to connect with him through this emotion in that program, so you get past all his defensiveness and can “talk to his heart” whenever you are with him.
Hope that helps.
P.S. I will add one last thing: Sometimes when I talk about ways to improve the relationship, I’ll get comments about how the guy is behaving badly and asking if I’m suggesting that the woman should just put up with bad behavior.
My response is that I want to empower you with what really works. When I show you how to connect with a man and create love in an easy, targeted, effective way that really works, you have the power to choose.
That is, you know that you have the power to create love with any man you want and any relationship you want, so you don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want to.
That said, really, you wouldn’t be here asking this question if you didn’t want to improve this relationship you’re currently in. So I’m speaking to that.
In the bigger picture, I’m giving you the ultimate power and freedom to choose how you want your relationship to be. That’s possible because I show you what works to get the results you really want.November 22, 2022 at 2:36 am #939540
Seriously @Eric, I would rather be single…November 23, 2022 at 2:03 am #939542
@ raven. I agree with you 💯… The above post seems like tooooo much work just to be with a guy. Lol. What about a world where i dont hv to always be the one doing so much work to make a relationship work?November 23, 2022 at 7:18 am #939543
@Raven & @Tammy choosing to be single is fine.
Sooner or later in any relationship, we will be pushed or pulled to our edges. We will either break or grow.
And whether we’re in a relationship or not, life is going to make that the case for us, eventually.
That’s not to say some partners aren’t a bit “fit” than others, but even having the wherewithal to see this requires a certain level of growth and awareness.
So being in a relationship is a lifestyle choice. That is, we find our growth through the relationship we are in or we find it as a single person.
I do my best to offer up a path forward within the relationship if that’s what the OP said they wanted.
That said, the OP may say, “Wow that doesn’t sound worth it.” No problem, that’s still a win since the OP can make a quality choice to say no to continuing the relationship.
It’s uncommon for people to have quality No’s in their life. Usually people just arrive at a state of dysfunction and unhappiness, then try to get their attention off of it as the life drains out of them.
With a quality No, a person can see the two paths in front of them and make a clear, wholehearted choice. That can save the person from years of anguish, dragging out the misery.
And if they do decide to stay in the relationship, they have a plan that they can put to work.November 24, 2022 at 2:46 am #939550
Well if one wants to be in a relatnship there has to be compromise on both sides. Thats a given. But eric the post by you to help the original poster does seem like too much work. Not sure if that would be sustainable in the long run… I guess for me it comes down to knowing and being generally acceptive of the other persons quirks, insecurities and weaknesses. Thanx for your insight.November 25, 2022 at 6:52 pm #939556
Funny thing though @Eric, I’m married…
Interesting, the Quality No was when I left previous relationships, being happily single until I met a man who added to my life.November 26, 2022 at 8:24 am #939562
@Raven – Awesome, I’m glad. That’s a great way to phrase it, too.
I think you have a style that’s helpful to people here. It’s different than my approach, but I can see where you’re coming from and I appreciate that you hit things from a different angle.
In nearly all cases, I’ll go in with the assumption that if the OP tells me they want to make the relationship work (or that they’re asking about it), I’ll default to giving them the most effective path to making that happen IMO.
Now… if the OP reads it, follows it and then says, “That’s too much work” or “That’s not worth it”, that’s great. That gets them to choosing the kind of quality No you’re talking about here.
No argument from me here to either you or @Tammy, just talking shop with you for a minute since you both are forum OGs. :)November 26, 2022 at 6:57 pm #939565
What Eric said is true. Even my guy can get ‘testy’ when he’s working on a project that isn’t going the way he expected, and although I’ll offer him help, if not taken, I just leave him alone until he solves it. Once he does, he’s back to his happy self, so I don’t take it personally, I just know when he’s struggling with something its best to leave him alone and give him the room/space to solve it. Thankfully he feels like a winner every day, loves his job, loves living on our ranch and tackling projects, so our relationship is easy :o)
You have to stand up for yourself though when he gets critical for no reason and tell him your not a punching bag, and he needs to find a way to solve whatever is going on with him. Trust me, I’ve been in those situations with my ex husband and he eventually fixed/solved it because he was making our household miserable, so I told him if he didn’t fix it soon, I would take the kids and leave. Sadly the one thing he couldn’t fix/solve was his alcoholism, and that’s why I finally left him—he went from being a winner to “a loser.”
Based on what you said, if he’s unable to make progress on the goals he’s set, and has essentially hit a wall, then he needs to accept that his expectations are not in line with reality and pursue a goal he can achieve….that’s the guidance he needs. If he feels stuck, then its on him to unstuck himself and either find a way to achieve it, or accept its unachievable and move in a different direction until he does. You really need to find some balance in your relationship and have him “help” with some of the chores, or hire a maid (like I did) because trust me, you will eventually burn yourself out and become just as unhappy and miserable as he is….throw in a couple kids and its a recipe for disaster.