Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Introverted boyfriend
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by
Maddie.
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Lm
I (33f) have been dating someone (30m) for about 4 months. We met through mutual friends in June 2020, went on a few dates, I wasn’t really feeling a connection at the time so I told him I’d like to be friends. Throughout the last year we hung out pretty frequently, and I started to realize that there was something between us. We finally kissed and started seeing each other romantically in August. In October we talked about where things stand he said he’d like to see where this relationship goes. He’s extremely shy and it has been hard for him to open up to me and tell me how he’s feeling about me and the relationship. We have not even slept together yet. Everything else about the relationship is great. He texts everyday, plans dates, picks me up, holds my hands, Gives me plenty of kisses, makes me laugh and we have a blast together all the time. I know actions speak louder than words but it would be nice to hear that he feels the same way I do, and to be intimate with him. When I told a few friends we haven’t slept together they looked at it as a bad thing, but I have never been with a guy that didn’t pressure me to have sex before so for me it’s a welcomed change of pace, however at this point it would be nice. I am trying to be patient and I want to be understanding of the fact that he’s very introverted but how long do you let it continue this way? We’ve known each other for a while, it’s not like we just met for the first time 4 months ago. Has anyone ever dealt with this level of shyness and what is the best way to approach this? Is there anything I can do to so he feels safe to open up without making him feel pressured? Thanks!
Liz Lemon
I don’t think the lack of sexual activity has anything to do with introversion. My boyfriend is an introvert but it has never hindered physical/sexual interactions between us, even when we were first dating.
I also think you’re confusing introversion with shyness. They’re not the same thing. Someone can be introverted but not necessarily shy– my bf isn’t shy. He’s low-key (he isn’t loud or overly talkative in a group), he isn’t into socializing in big crowds, he’s much more comfortable one-on-one or in small groups. He needs alone time to recharge at times. But he’s quite friendly and can be chatty when the mood strikes him, and he likes socializing (in small groups or one-on-one).
Whereas shy people are afraid of being perceived negatively by others. Which may be the case with your bf. He may be afraid to initiate sexual activity because he’s worried he’ll do something “wrong”.
I do think it’s unusual to have been dating 4 months and not had sex yet. It’s great he doesn’t pressure you, but it’s not great that he’s not giving you what you want, which is sexual intimacy.
Have you brought this up? Have you had a conversation about this? When you’re kissing and making out, has either of you tried to take it further (removing clothing for example)? It seems to me that if you’ve been dating several months, things are going well and you’re comfortable together, it should be easy to bring this up.
Liz Lemon
I just re-read your post and realized you haven’t really defined your relationship with this guy? I referred to him as your boyfriend in my reply, but you don’t call him that. And in your last conversation with him, he said he wanted to see where things go.
3-4 months of dating is usually the time when people define the relationship– it’s when things either get more serious, or you break up.
It definitely sounds like you need to have a conversation with this guy, about more than just sex, but about defining the relationship as well (that is, deciding you’re a committed boyfriend/girlfriend couple). If need be, you can bring it up (since it sounds like he won’t). He may be extremely shy and passive, even, but if he can’t discuss these things with you, then he’s not relationship material. And it’s not “pressuring” him to want to discuss these issues, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. It’s completely normal at this point in time to have this conversation.
Maddie
Agree with everything Liz said, especially about communication around the situation. And that there’s a difference between not getting pressured and not having needs fulfilled.
If he wants to wait that’s fine, you shouldn’t pressure him either, but he should be communicating to you what he’s waiting for so that you can decide if the current situation works for you, how long it will last this way, if it’s compatible for you, if you want to stay or move on. You shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells about it.
Is it for religious reasons? Is he questioning his sexuality? Does he have trauma and is avoiding intimacy? Is it his first time? Is he almost there but waiting to be officially committed bf/gf and it will happen soon? I once dated someone who was waiting for marriage and a year later it didn’t end up working out, but I wasn’t resentful about it or walking on eggshells. He’d told me his values in that space and I made the decision to accommodate them and see where the relationship went. Afterwards, I looked to not date someone with those expectations again because I learned it wasn’t what I wanted.
Maddie
One thing I forgot. You also want to be certain your sex drives are compatible. If there’s a big mismatch in desire and frequency once you do become intimate, that can get to be a big form of incompatibility. Depending on why he’s waiting, the concern I want to highlight is, is it normal for him to want sex very rarely once intimate and will that be a problem for you?
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