In need of tough love


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ewa 1 month ago.

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  • #929020 Reply

    Steph

    Hi all. I’m in need of some advice, specifically the non-sugar coated type. Been talking to a guy since august. Initially went on two dates, nothing physical happened and then he asked me before the third date to clarify what I wanted out of this and I told him nothing serious at the moment but that I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

    He tells me he’s 5 months out of a long term relationship and not wanting anything serious at all as a result. I tell him I’m down with a FWB arrangement which he’s fine with. Fast forward to now and I can’t stop thinking about him. We don’t talk daily but he often responds to things I post on social and initiates conversations sometimes.

    Sometimes we go out to eat and drink before the physical stuff and he’s paid every time despite my attempts to split the bill. He stays over to talk after we have sex. I know guys are relatively simple and none of this probably matters but I can’t stop feeling like there’s a tiny bit of hope.

    As you can see I’m clearly in denial and I need someone to give me the truth here.

    #929021 Reply

    Zoe

    There is no hope, he TOLD YOU

    #929023 Reply

    Raven

    Seems you’re not cut out for FWB- maybe you should end it ?

    #929030 Reply

    Ewa

    you told him you don’t want anything serious so not sure why are you expecting something more?
    you don’t even talk daily, that’s not even dating that is pure FWB, how often do you see him? and why do you see him?
    you say sometimes this sometimes that, I have a feeling you initiate most of those ‘dates’.
    if he was the one initiating , being curious about your day, planning dates, spending weekend with you, actually trying to get to know you then maybe just maybe but it is better to assume that when he says he is not ready he won’t change his mind, don’t get me wrong it happens sometimes , but it is very rare and this guy doesn’t really show signs that he is interested in you.

    #929033 Reply

    Steph

    Hey Ewa
    I agree with you on everything you said and you’re correct. He initiated the first two meet ups but after that it’s been mostly me. He has said outright that he feels daily texting means something more so that’s clearly a sign he’s not into it like that.

    #929034 Reply

    Ewa

    like I said in this case he is not that into you and the fact that he said he doesn’t want a relationship is more his way of telling you if you are ok with FWB cool if not cool too.
    He doesn’t even actively pursue you, you are the one chasing him. It’s nice that he pays for dinners etc but I am guessing you don’t seem him twice a week but more like once a month?

    It is never a good look for a women to chase a man, I understand we all have needs and trust me in the past I was chasing too but now I have learned that if they wanted to see me, spend time with me they would initiate and actually ask me out.

    and in your case , he might say yes to meeting you if sex is involved because trust me what man wouldn’t, even the ones in relationships would these days lol

    And I will say one more thing because when I was younger I was a bit naïve too, you want him because he doesn’t want you, I am more than sure there is no feelings involve here is just that , I used to be like that and I chased and chased and then I was like why would I want someone who doesn’t want me and then I started thinking if I said to someone that I won’t text daily because that is more serious etc and he proceed with seeing me I’d lose my respect for that person.

    Now think about it if weren’t interested in someone but this guy proceed with asking you to meet, what would you feel? most likely you’d be thinking omg this guy has no self respect

    #929035 Reply

    Steph

    I see him about once per week. But I totally hear you and will just not pursue him anymore.

    #929036 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Guys are really good at no-strings-attached sex. They can hang out with a woman and have sex with her regularly but have no romantic feelings for her whatsoever. And they will not hesitate to drop that woman the moment they meet someone for whom they feel a romantic spark. Women on the other hand have a hard time with FWB. We tend to get attached and develop feelings. Raven is right, you’re probably not cut out for FWB. Most women aren’t.

    And the fact that you’re doing the majority of the initiating speaks volumes. A guy who wants a woman will pursue her. You’re basically hitting him up for sex and he’s happy to comply after buying you dinner, but that doesn’t mean he feels anything for you. If he did, he would pursue you, he’d plan dates, he’d try to make you feel special.

    You said you didn’t want anything serious. This guy agreed that he also didn’t want anything serious. So really, you walked into this situation with your eyes open. This guy is still operating on that same principle but your feelings have changed. That’s OK, it happens. You should end it however, because you’re not going to get what you want and if you continue you’ll just feel frustrated and hurt. And believe me, when he eventually finds someone that he wants a romantic relationship with, he’ll drop you like a hot potato, and that will really sting. Better to get out now.

    #929037 Reply

    Steph

    I’m guessing I shouldn’t respond if he sends me things on Snapchat in that case. Also not tryna be rude to him either.

    #929038 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You don’t have to be rude. You can just tell him the FWB thing isn’t working for you any more. If you’d like, you can take it further and say you’d prefer not to have contact, if you think social media interaction will mess with your head. Just be honest.

    #929040 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Here’s the thing. A guy can enjoy a friendship with a woman and also have sex with her, but have no romantic feelings. I’m sure he legit sees you as a friend so enjoys your company, interacts with you on social media, etc, without feeling any romantic pull. That’s the F part of FWB.

    This is where it gets hard for women. It’s hard for us not to get attached when sex is in the mix along with friendship/companionship. Honestly every female friend I know who’s gotten into an FWB situation has always wound up catching feelings (I have a friend going through this right now).

    So what you’re experiencing is no one’s fault. He’s not an a$$hole. He’s just operating under the principle that neither of you want anything serious. You’ve changed your mind, and that’s OK, but you can’t continue this way.

    #929044 Reply

    Maddie

    Just to clarify with yourself what you want for the future, when you said you weren’t looking for anything serious yet but were open to it and cool with just FWB in the meantime, did you mean that? Or were you trying to answer “correctly,” afraid that you’d otherwise scare him off? As Liz said, it’s totally fine to change your mind (if FWB was okay at first but now it’s not, that’s fine and that happens), I’m just curious if it was ever really fine or if you were trying to say you’re not looking to jump into commitment with someone you’ve been on 2 dates with and can take it slow as you get to know each other but you’re ultimately looking for a relationship.

    If it’s the latter, don’t bring up the term and define it with the guy as “FWB” because he’ll bucket you into the casual column and it’s next to impossible to get out once he sees you that way. Let’s say you thought you were okay with FWB in general but have found through this experience that it’s not actually what you want. If you seek to meet someone for a more committed relationship, then if you’re ever excited about a guy again who says he’s not looking for a relationship / isn’t ready, it’s simply unlikely to ever go anywhere and you should step away rather than pursue. BUT, you can first say something like: thanks for being honest. I’m looking to date someone with potential to turn into a relationship if it’s the right person, and you can reach out if there comes a time that you’re also looking for that. But we should stop seeing each other in the meantime.

    #929082 Reply

    tammy

    i think firstly you should stop initiating and setting up meetings. and stop responding to any frwrds he shares unless he specifically chats with you. try this and see what happens?? and in case he does get in touch and suggests a meeting you could say and do what maddie has suggested.

    #929100 Reply

    Gina

    Alright, let me share a real story about my best friend that might help you out:

    There’s a guy that I’ve known since high school (I used to like him way back when, but it was just a silly teenage crush), and he was the type to not be serious about any girls and he would have a new girlfriend every week, but really it was just casual dating and there’s nothing wrong with that since he was only around 16-17. This was until he met my best friend as we all go to the same college now, and I was actually there to witness them meeting. Let me tell you, he was smitten with her. For the next half a year, I watched him pursue her relentlessly. Books and articles might tell you to play hard to get, but you have to honestly be a challenge and not just do it because you think it’ll make you more attractive. Because he will chase you no matter what, if he likes you.

    In this case, my best friend was a challenge. Simply, because she didn’t like him at first and was preoccupied working 3 jobs to help her family out. She was never the type to like or chase a guy first either because it’s just not in her nature. He clearly saw something special in her that made him decide to pursue her, eventually she fell for him and they’ve been together ever since. Trust me when I say, he was over the moon when she finally came around and returned his affection. THAT is what a guy who’s into you looks like.

    This FWB of yours is not doing any of this and has made it explicitly clear what is going on between you two. Sex and nothing else. All the best, love.

    #929178 Reply

    Stephanie

    Update

    Hi all
    Decided to pull back, not initiate at all, and unsurprisingly I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. We never talk regularly anyway but he hasn’t made a peep in days. I’ve decided if he does message me that I am going to end things. Deleted his number out of my phone as well. Really sucks but it’s for the best.

    #929183 Reply

    Ewa

    Steph,

    sorry to hear that but I guess we all knew, it is disappointing but onto the next one and hopefully the last one :)

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