Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I'm back with my ex but sometimes I get some mixed feelings about it
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by
Danita.
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Airen
Hello, it’s been a month now when we’re back together, it’s been great so far, we didn’t have any fights or big arguments, our communication got much better, he spoils me a lot.
Now a short backstory on why we broke up:
We started dating when we were 19 years old, our relationship felt like a rollercoaster back then lots of ups and downs, we used to fight very often mostly about money…Our communication sucked too, like we used to give each other silent treatment when we felt upset on each other.
But major issue and a reason why we broke was MONEYSo he always used to pay for everything, and later about 8 months after dating he got more and more obsessed with money, he constantly started asking me spliting bills, I never agreed with that idea, I grew up in traditional family where men are breadwinners so I won’t change my opinion about that. As I refused to pay for myself he got disappointed everytime I refused to pay for myself but at the end still paid for both of us.
One day he gave me ultimatum : pay for yourself at least 30% or I will leave you. I told him “I’m sorry but I won;t change my opinion about that” and he left.
We were in no contact for 4 months, then he texted me out of the blue by telling me he really wants to talk about this, he also admitted getting obsessed with money. I agreed to meet him to talk about that, as our feelings were still alive we decided to give it another chance.
Now I’m getting some mixed feelings about that if this obsession over money won’t come back?Newbie
Im from an emancipated country so its hard for me to relate to you. This depends if you earn money yourself. If you are then you are a breadwinner already for yourself. And if you are i would completely understand his frustrations. His proposal that you pay only for yourself in 30% of the occasions is better than what i would suggest.
I also depends if you are in a country where your values are shared by the majority. In that case i cant be of helpRaven
Seriously, You paid for nothing?!
Miss_A
Hi, it depends on what you both want and how you see the future, should you stay together. Do you expect him to pay for 100% of everything, 100% of the time, forever? You’ll be a housewife with no job while he works and earns all of the money? There are some men who would be okay with that. Most guys I know wouldn’t. You both have to figure out what you want the relationship to look like, moving forward, and communicate clearly to see if you’re on the same page. But it doesn’t look to me like he’s obsessed with money – more like your beliefs may be fundamentally incompatible.
Peggy
I think once you have been together for awhile,expecting him to pay for everything is just rude and unfair. So you are wrong here,in my opinion. The 30% suggestion seems generous to me,depending on your income,compared to his. Even if you are traditional,having some independence like making your own money is a good idea too. What if you were married and he died or got sick or you divorced? Then you would need some measure of income likely.
Dangerouse
I wonder how old you both are now?
Shoshannah
There were so many discussions on this forum about money, advocating for equality, I’m normally in a minority, but normally they are about a dating stage, not a relationship. I don’t think he’s obsessed with money, I think your demands drove him crazy. I also think he must be very in love with you to put up with this and then reach out to you again. I suspect this must be some cultural difference, because I honestly cannot get my head around this idea of partnership.
Lane
I agree with others in that in the beginning its a man’s way of showing you he would make a good provider, however, at some point you need to contribute too if you earn income as well.
Are you wanting a traditional family where the man works and you stay at home raising the kids? Even with this a woman CONTRIBUTES in non-monetary ways by cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, to show the man she would make a good housewife/mother. Have you contributed to this relationship in any way, shape, or form by doing things for him too, or do you just show up and expect the man to do all the heavy lifting?
I too don’t believe he’s obsessed with money, he’s just frustrated that he’s pulling all the weight in this relationship, especially when he’s very young and doesn’t have the amount the money to spend courting a lady v. one who’s advanced enough in their career life to afford it. If you are working or going to work during a marriage, then you need to find a good balance in how each partner contributes both economically (him 70%/you 30%) and domestically (you 70%/him 30%) give or take here and there depending up life events, if you want to have a successful long-term relationship/marriage.
I think the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk on your overall *expectations* to see how close or far apart you are you can negotiate any differences or concerns by coming up with a viable and workable plan that you can both accept and be happy with. If not, then you need to keep dating until you find a man who will not only be willing, but capable of carrying your plan (expectations).
Sophia
Wow Lane. That’s excellent insight and advice. OP I hope you sit down with him and hash this out. If this is your only issue then have a conversation to come up with a mutual agreement to make it go away. Good luck!
joe
I think this is insane you don’t contribute. I get you are brought up with this mindset, however, times change. If we all stuck in this way of thinking, slaves would still be a big thing. I think you should learn to contribute. Its not fair for him to spend his money on you. You know men deserve to be treated too.
Anon 2
Dangerouse….one word…viagra
redcurleysue
I agree with Joe. Look, if you do not have much money you can invite him to home cooked dinner, a walk and an ice cream, picnic, beach time and you bring the goodies, 1000 suggestions.
It was always that women were also giving and partners with men. Pay and invite according to your purse.Danita
Haha, poor guy.
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