Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I ruined my relationship
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by
T from NY.
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Hannah
I am an extreme introvert, and it is tough for me to share my feelings. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 ½ years, and he doesn’t get it, but I have opened to him more than anyone else in my life. I feel like I have made giant leaps with sharing my thoughts because I love him and trust him. However, he still thinks that I am not expressing my feelings and opening up enough, and he sometimes gets frustrated. His frustration exploded last week, and I do not believe we can save our relationship.
Last week I had to let my job know that I was quitting. I was highly stressed and upset to give my work my notice. My bosses had a very adverse reaction to the news, which upset me. My boyfriend and I are currently long-distance because of work, and when he called me that night and asked how it went, I told him that I did not want to talk about it. When I am highly stressed, I like to keep my thoughts close to my chest and then talk about them once I’ve calmed down. My boyfriend wanted me to go into the meeting with my bosses and give them a piece of my mind. I did not do that, and I could not handle the feelings of disappointing my boyfriend. I became defensive and told my boyfriend that he was interrogating me with all his questions. This made him so mad. He feels highly hurt that I will not open up and thinks I am using him to check off the boyfriend box rather than seeing him as my soulmate. The next day I tried to explain why I didn’t want to talk about work, but he told me that he was so sad because he realized that I just saw him as some guy and felt like I didn’t care about him. He said that things would never be the same between us, and he was no longer investing in our relationship. He does not believe me when I say that I have opened up to him more than anyone else. He feels like I am so distant towards him. However, I do not feel distant, and I feel like I am giving him my all to make him feel connected, but I now understand that I have not been doing a good enough job. He told me that there was nothing that I could do to fix this, but he didn’t want to break up and waste an almost five-year relationship.
A week later and my boyfriend and I are super cold. When we make our daily phone calls, we only make small talk, and then someone makes an excuse to get off the phone after a couple of minutes. He no longer says I love you. He told me that he would no longer ask me about myself because he did not want me to feel interrogated. I was putting so much effort into making things better but his hurt feelings hasn’t changed. I put effort into being even more open, but when I would get one or two-word responses from him, I just gave up. . I want things to get better because I felt like we had an excellent relationship, but he doubts that it was ever good at all. He is my whole world and made me so happy, but I ruined everything by being distant. My past relationships ended for the same reason, but because I love my boyfriend so much, I felt like a whole new open book with him. Can I do anything to save the relationship? Should we break up?
Liz Lemon
I’m really sorry this is happening. Honestly from reading your post, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are simply not a good match as a couple. You’ve been with him 4 1/2 years and he “doesn’t get it” after all this time.
After that much time you should have a good understanding of each others’ personalities and be able to accept and support each other. You can love someone and still not be a good match with them in a relationship. When you’re stressed, your boyfriend should be a source of support for you, not making you feel worse. And likewise your boyfriend feels you’re “distant” even though you feel you’ve opened up to him. “I felt like we had an excellent relationship, but he doubts that it was ever good at all.” It sounds like you two just don’t “get” each other.
If the relationship is making you both unhappy, it’s not worth saving. I’m sorry to be harsh. And it has nothing to do with loving someone. You can love someone and they can still not be the one for you.
How old are you both, and how long have you been long distance? Is there a plan to end the long distance and be together again?
Lane
Agree with Liz in that you are just *too different* to the point neither of you are getting your needs met.
I’m actually similar but my partner accepts that about me, doesn’t use it against me or make me feel bad because of these differences. That’s what building a strong partnership is about where you BOTH feel supported, safe, secure and loved because you fully accept each other for *who you are*, not what they want you to be.
You are essentially twisting yourself in a pretzel to please this man who will never be pleased because he needs something that you just aren’t able to offer. Trying to change a core part of who you are just to please someone is never a long-term solution because you will always naturally revert to that trait because its a big part of what makes you, you.
It sounds like you need to let this one go and find a man who is similar to you—one who is perfectly OK and content with your introvertedness, and has no desire to change you. They are out there but you seem to keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole by dating men who are too opposite than you in this regard, and why you keep finding yourself in the same position. Like they say “a form of insanity is doing the same thing over, and over, again, yet expecting a different result.” I think its time to only date men who are fully able to accept you, for who you are…those relationships are sooooooo much easier!!!
Liz Lemon
My bf is very much an introvert, and I’m an extrovert. He has a hard time opening up too, and I’m totally opposite- I’m very open with my feelings.
However I’ve never felt frustrated or angry with him– I’ve always been gentle and encouraging with him about sharing feelings, and he’s come such a long way since we started dating (4 years ago). And he’s very accepting and happy of my emotional openness even though he’s nothing like that.
We get along very well and are best friends. His introversion never pisses me off. I accept him the way he is, and I understand him. I’m patient with him when I need to be, although over the years I have less of a need to exercise patience, because he’s gotten better about opening up, and I’ve gotten better about accepting his limitations. He’s never going to be as open and extroverted as I am, and that’s OK, I don’t expect him to be– and I don’t feel hurt by that (you mentioned your bf is “hurt” because he feels you don’t open up). I appreciate any efforts my bf makes to open up and let his guard down, which makes it easier to do that over and over again.
That’s how an introvert/extrovert pairing should be. You should support and understand each other. After 4.5 years, you shouldn’t be having this much discord in the relationship over your basic personality types. So I really think you’re not a good fit. Don’t hang on to a bad relationship just because it’s been almost 5 years; it doesn’t make sense to invest even more time in something that’s not working.
Dex
Hannah- Let me be clear- you did NOT ruin your relationship. You have done nothing wrong. All feelings are valid. If he made you feel you “ruined” the relationship, that a very bad and telling sign about him.
He either sounds way insecure, immature, controlling, or some version of all three. A committed relationship partner should be all-out supportive of the other person, always, but especially in times of work turmoil/life transition, in this case, ending a job. Glad you stood up for yourself. Forget that workplace. They do not deserve you.
Back to the topic- This is what you should expect from a HEALTHY relationship;
Consistency (huge)
Commitment
Consideration (also huge)
And compromise.Do not settle for any friendship/romance/work relationship without any of those in the future. If you do this I promise it will change your life! It takes work to re-wire your brain but you can get there. Very sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you!!
T from NY
You didn’t ruin your relationship! You are staying in a relationship where your boyfriend is trying to make you into something you are NOT! He is also trying to control you and make you feel bad for being who you are! The way he’s speaking to you, from what you wrote, sounds more like an exacting parent to child instead of a romantic couple. These are all giant red flags. For him to be angry, and berate you, blame you and basically draw back and give you the silent treatment WHILE you were going through great distress over quitting your job, and you needing to have time to process that life-change and all the emotions that come with it, shows he’s not letting this be about YOU, and trying to make it about him. I cannot tell from your post exactly, but it sounds abusive. That’s a CLASSIC move abusive partners make – is to try and return the focus on them, what they want, what they need, when the other person is going through something, having big feelings about something, or just generally needing space. I am GLAD you are in a long distance situation and urgently encourage you to get a therapist, if you don’t already have one, and sound this out with them. You should be able to have whatever time you need for processing feelings. You should also have love, support and encouragement while doing it.
The conversation should have went something more like this – “Aww babe you did a hard, brave thing. I’m so proud of you! You don’t want to talk about it tonight? Okay no worries. You let me know when you feel like sharing the details. In the meantime I’ll order you a pizza. Take a bath! Eat some chocolate! I’ll be there soon and I’ll give you such a big hug.” Of course I don’t know how y’all talk to each other but – this is just an example of how healthy adults interact and support each other. Do NOT be afraid to speak up or leave a relationship where someone doesn’t let you be yourself. You will regret it later I promise you.
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