I Love you but I can't be with you

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Stacey 8 months ago.

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  • #940999 Reply


    Hi Everyone,

    My boyfriend of nearly 18 months broke up with me, over text a few days ago. We are both in our 40’s and divorced with children.
    This was both of our first relationship after the divorce and it became more serious than both of us expected, we both agreed we hadn’t felt this way before.
    Over the last month or so, I have felt a shift between us, him cancelling on me and not ringing me so much but I dismissed it as he has a high pressure job.
    Anyway, this week, he text me ending things, he told me he loves me dearly but needs some space.
    We haven’t said the actual words I love you before but I have felt it for a long time and could feel it from him too.
    Apart from being hurt I am also confused why he chose that moment to tell me?
    Should I move on or wait for him to have his space? I haven’t spoken to him since and thought no contact was the right thing to do, at least for now but I miss him so much already.
    Any advice is welcome, thank you.

    #941000 Reply


    You’re misinterpreting what he said. “I love you dearly but I need some space” isn’t an actual serious “I love you” – it’s just a turn of phrase.

    Breaking up over text after dating that long is pretty cowardly.

    This is pretty common, for a first relationship after a divorce not to work out.

    I know this stings, I’m very sorry. He’d probably been thinking about things for a while and realized he isn’t ready to progress the relationship. Either it’s too soon for him to get serious about someone, anyone or he realized he didn’t see a future with you. The signs were there it was going this way, from what you’re saying happened.

    I’d leave him completely alone, grieve and move on. There’s a chance he might miss you and pop back up, and if he does, I’d go very slow and not jump right back in. YOu’d need to hear him articulate what he learned when you two were apart and that he knew he was ready for more. But… the chance of that isn’t great. The way he handled this, it’s more likely he’s gone. Consider this completely over and begin the healing process.

    #941001 Reply


    More than that, the way he’s handled this, I’d consider it as him showing you that you’re better off choosing to move on even if he does come back. His relationship communication skills and conflict resolution skills are terrible. Him never actually saying he loves you after 18 months, then texting that along with a breakup message without ever actually talking to you about him experiencing issues in your relationship, again after 18 months, screams emotional unavailability. Immaturity, too… that’s not a respectful way to treat a long-term partner in your 40s. But it’s also not unheard of for someone who started dating seriously too soon after a divorce.

    The reason I think he said love now is the fear and pressure he put on *himself* in the relationship is relieved if you’re broken up, so it’s “safer” to say. Plus, he felt guilty about handling it in such a cowardly way (text), which he chose to avoid conflict and dealing with the consequences directly, so he said it to soften the blow or maybe as his last opportunity. I can’t read his mind so don’t know for sure, but that’s what my experience has been with people who get involved when they’re not emotionally ready.

    I’m sorry you’re hurting and things turned out this way, but I think you’re doing the right thing staying in no contact. Focus on your healing, not the words he texted. You didn’t do anything to cause him to handle his issues in this way, that was his unresolved baggage he brought in to begin with.

    #941002 Reply


    What Maddie said is 100% right. Throw this one back and don’t look back.

    #941004 Reply


    I think his kids and ex keep getting in his way, so he may feel like he cannot commit to a relationship this good while they need him at the same time. Real life doesn’t work like the movies, and it takes a tough skinned person to take in all that drama. He’s being kind of immature by not communicating these things clearly with you, but it’s very clear this is what is going on, and that he’s afraid of commitment at the time being due to his former family and other messy things that happen due to a divorce.

    #941008 Reply


    Thank you everyone, I understand what you are saying and I am hurt and confused, I guess I am also a bit worried about him as it is out of character.

    Anyway, he has blocked me know but I haven’t contacted him so determined to heal myself.

    I guess I cant understand the thought process but I understand what you are saying about the immaturity and emotional unavailability – yes I agree, this could all be linked to the divorce.

    I am hoping it will get easier as the days go by and I do appreciate your advice.

    #941017 Reply


    Red flags: no I love you in 18 months. Words and actions, and trust whichever is less committed every time.

    I am so sorry, huge hugs. You stay strong sister and his blocking you is a huge man child move.

    #941021 Reply


    I feel like the reason he blocked you is because he already has someone else. It happened to me before. Or maybe he even got back with his ex wife which is not very uncommon.

    #941022 Reply


    Oh I absolutely know actions speak louder than words, and he has chosen his actions in this case.

    That could be why he blocked me, ill try not to think about that too much .

    Thank you for the hugs, they are needed!

    #941024 Reply


    I’m so sorry this happened to you. A much as it will hurt move and don’t look back. He broke things off over text, which is an awful thing to do. He probably has been feeling this way for some time but didn’t communicate that to you. In the end you will be better off. From experience guys like this will pop up when things get better, don’t let him back in or it will send the message that he can be wish washy with you.

    #941039 Reply


    Stacey I admire the way you handled this. you didn’t ask for explanation nor heated up his phone with I want you back texts and calls. you simply went silent to understand just what happened. not only did he break off things with a measly text, he then blocked you despite you not hassling him about the breakup. just goes to show what an a*** he is and so immature. what was the need to block? i think maybe he blocked you because you simply took him at his word and stayed silent. he was probably expecting you to text and seek explanations etc. but you did neither. I can imagine how hurt you must be feeling and also confounded at the turn of events. but his behavior shows that you are probably better off without such a man. as one of the posters said, even I feel there is a possibility that he will turn up. do not let such a man reenter your life. sending lots of love, hugs and strength your way. proud of the way you handled this situation.

    #941047 Reply


    Thank you, I just didn’t see the point, he clearly didn’t want to talk to me and had made his mind up.
    I think he blocked me because he wants to cut me out of his life but that is just a theory.

    Either way, Im still NC, day 9 today (hopefully the counting will stop) and missing him / thinking about him will ease too.

    #941050 Reply


    Yes it will get better for sure. You come across as pretty level headed and patient. Take it each day at a time. Take up activities which keep u occupied. Catch up on that web series which you wanted to see. Meet frnds and family. Its been 10 days. Soon you will be over the worst. Take care and stay strng..

    #941057 Reply


    Thank you everyone, it really is appreciated.

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