This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 4 weeks ago.
September 30, 2020 at 5:13 am #815579
Some of you might remember my story. You all strongly advised me to break up end of last summer, and even if I could see your point and how much you were right about this relationship, I couldn’t do it, until yesterday.
I love him, he is not a bad person at all, we were also great friends so it breaks my heart to be responsible of his pain. I know it’s hard for him, because he is living in a fantasy and thinks now I’m away he is fully committed and available to me. He is not, we were just growing apart even more, and he would say that he loves me, tries to make plan (but they didn’t sound genuine, they didn’t sound like him) or compliment me only when he felt things were going south again. Definitely emotionnally unavailable (maybe I am too).
I know it is the right decision, I feel relieved and do not want to go back to it.
But I also feel awful and guilty. I ended up by text and not by phone call because each time I would see his face, I wasn’t able to tell him the truth. He is very closed up with his emotions but I can see on his face when he is hurting and this is the most painful thing in the world for me. We were talking by text, and for the first time I got very angry with him because he admitted that at some point, when he was just being a d*ck with me (his own word), it’s because he didn’t know if I was the one. I asked him so many times if everything was right, how he felt, if he saw a future… He always lied and said yes even when he was doubting it. I could have taken my own decision about the relationship and I could have been on with my life as well if he would have been honest with me, but he always insisted for me to stay with him, and he was just unpleasant because… I don’t know ? Because it’s his real-self? Because he wasn’t sure he loved me, therefore I didn’t deserve his kindness ?
So I got angry enough to break up with him. But now I feel guilty, I know he is pretty isolated, that he won’t reach out to friends or family to talk, and I feel the urge to contact him to apologize, make sure he is ok even though he is probably not; which is ridiculous, I know I’m exactly the wrong person to comfort him right now.
I need some advices or tough love please.September 30, 2020 at 11:47 am #815623
Think about it this way — you broke up the relationship so you can’t continue to act like his person — you removed yourself from that role. He needs to find his own way to grieve and recover. It would not be fair to him to keep coming into his life to hold his hand and help him out. It’s prolonging the pain. Someone else will have to help him or he will have to help himself.
And you might not be admitting to yourself that you miss him and want him to help you with YOUR pain and assuage your guilt. That’s not fair to him either.
The best thing you can do for him is to just let it go, do not reach out. Maybe in a few months but right now leave him alone.October 1, 2020 at 6:59 am #816652
Your most important job is to look out for yourself. Youre in charge of your life. So it wasnt up to him to tell you he wasnt all in. It was your job to see if he brings to the table what you deserve and bring in yourself. If its not working you first talk about it and if its still not working you move on.
Now you did that last part but i dont think this break up will last. Because you still want to mother Theresa him. And you feel bad. And you want to blame this panel for telling you to break up. I think you need to stop blame others and get in change of your life. If this guy wasnt an all in bf he doesnt deserve your attention and devotion.
Ps i dont remember your other posts i dont know exactly what the issues were