Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I don’t know what to think now…..
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Phoebe.
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Lily
I have not used this forum for a long time as my relationship with my partner had settled really well in the past couple of years. We bought a house together and have a lot of future plans. But the COVID 19 suddenly changed things. Since we are now working from home and are not allowed to go to any public places, he started doing all his socialising online such as virtual pubs. I always knew he’s a popular guy but didn’t know he had so many friends/colleagues I never knew existed. Tonight when I finished my chores I saw him watching a movie. I was a bit taken back he didn’t invite me but didn’t think too much about it. I sat down and watched the movie with him. It finished at 10pm and he asked if I wanted to go to bed. I said yes as I was tired. He said ‘OK you go to sleep, I’ll stay up late a bit’. He tends to stays up late so I didn’t think much of it and went to bed. But just as I was about to fall asleep I heard his voice chatting with a female. I got up and asked’ who are you chatting with?’ He said’ my colleague Rachel.’ I walked behind him and saw a young woman on the screen. They continued chatting, just random stuff. I got the funny feeling that he arranged this chat (on his phone) while he was watching the movie and that was why he asked me to go to bed first. This annoyed me as it’s quite late but he’s video chatting with a woman while I sleep alone. But on the other hand, they sounded just like friends catching up, and I shouldn’t worry. I don’t what to think now.
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Lily, thanks for sharing your question with the community! I apologize that your post didn’t appear here right away – for some reason it was caught-up in our spam trap. Hopefully you will see it’s published now and see our community’s responses.
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I strongly suggest you need to chill a bit and give him more slack. These are difficult times and being together 24/7 means give each other more space. He is not doing anything fishy, he is just way more social than you. Also dont get upset about not getting a movie invite. Please. Its in your own home.
And Yes at some times in this period he probably wishes you will go to bed sooner so he can do some stuff. FOr me thats very common and thats outside covid19. Just accept its difficult and try to do some social stuff for yourself in the house and not put salt on every snail now watching himT from NY
Dear Lily I’m sorry you feel distressed. Possibly there will be some people who reply that your boyfriend is welcome to have friends and socialize or what have you. But I find that many times when a woman is anxious – it’s because her partner is giving her something to be anxious about. (Unless the woman has major unresolved trauma or mental health issues.)
I would also be upset if my partner was up chatting late with another woman while I was in bed. I would also feel confused that he was watching movies and basically just living in the same house as me but not offering to share activities. The difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship are the things you share with your boyfriend that no one else does.
There are two things to consider I believe. One – is to ask yourself if there is a chance you are being overly anxious. You sound reasonable to me in your post. If you don’t tend to overreact to things in general, and are just noticing, now that your partner is home, that he doesn’t seem to be choosing you – I would tread very carefully. Most men become defensive when these types of subjects are brought up.
Get as calm and UNemotional as you can, pick an appropriate time when he is not tired, hungry or stressed and just tell him you have some concerns. Tell him you are fine with opposite sex friendships but you would prefer he not sit up talking to women after you’ve gone to sleep. Ask him about the movie thing and discuss what concrete things you can put into place to feel more connected and chosen by him. If he balks at all this and is unwilling to address your concerns – he is not being a supportive partner and then the ball will be in your court to decide what you will do. The best relationships are about good communication and respect. Good luck
Zoe
I would colm down and have a chat with him that it does bother you. If he has respect for you he will stop. If he doesnt you should start chatting up single males
kaye
Seriously? Who would not be irritated by this?!? Their partner of several years calling a female work colleague after 10 pm at night just to chat?!? And assuming you’re talking about a Netflix or Amazon movie where he had to choose it and not just some random movie which was on TV yes I think it’s rude to start it without letting you know. My husband and I always ask each other before starting a movie in case the other wants to watch it together and 99% of the time we do.
I do think it was shady how he asked if you want to go to bed then said, Ok I’m going to stay up a bit and then gets on the phone with a female. And it being a video chat to me makes it even more icky feeling!! My husband has female friends but he’ll take a call or make a call to one of them with me standing there. He’s not sneaking off behind my back when I go to bed doing it. I would definitely tell him how it makes you feel. And ask him how he would feel if you did something similar with a guy friend.
T from NY
Absolutely agree with Kaye. That’s some shady sh#%. I think your anxiety is spot on because how much is he choosing you, and your partnership, in this relationship? Speak to him. And if he ONLY gets defensive or completely blows you off —that’s gonna tell you a WHOLE lot. Wishing you luck
Phoebe
I think you should have a discussion with him about it. Possibly there’s another explanation for all of this. Maybe he thought you’d get jealous if you saw his female colleague and that’s why he scheduled the chat for 10pm. Or maybe her boyfriend would get jealous. Maybe they need to finish a project. There could be another explanation for this so try to calmly discuss it with him before you leap to conclusions and get too upset.
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