How to know if this is genuine attraction or love bombing?


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  • This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 1 week ago by Maddie.
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  • #944106 Reply
    Eva

    Hi,

    I’ve met this guy about a week go and somehow we have managed to meet twice in one week. My ex was a narcissist and I am now very suspicious not to date another one in the future so just wanted to check with you if the guy I am meeting now might be a narcissist.
    He texts me daily but isn’t too demanding if I don’t answer straight away he is chilled but I can clearly see he wants to stay in touch and it is mainly him who drives the conversations.
    No gifts and big gestures, no promise for the future.He likes showing affection and generally being physically close.
    The bit that was worried me a little is when I said I liked something he was the saying the same thing. I mean it could be coincidence but still.
    He already planned 2 dates in advance, is that normal ?
    We are both on dating sites and I was sometimes making a joke about going on other dates and he was cool with that.
    Am I dealing with a normal guy who is genuinely interested in getting to know me or someone who could abuse me in the future?

    #944107 Reply
    mama

    My husband was like this and I realized early on that I was the one that needed to set the pace if I wanted it to develop. So I only saw him once a week for a while, only communicated with him on text once a day, and gradually I got a better idea of who he was.

    I paid attention to the relationships he had around him — friends and family were important and he was someone they would turn to for advice. As time went on, I learned this is just his personality — he tends to pour his whole self into things. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s his hobbies… it ebbs and flows.

    In your case I’d say it’s a yellow flag because you don’t know anything about this guy. Right now it’s all chemistry and hormones. ;) Pay attention and if you’re interested, you should set the pace and tone for how fast you want to go.

    #944108 Reply
    mama

    p.s. pay close attention to how he responds to your setting the pace and frequency. I wouldn’t necessarily have a discussion about it right now, just let him know you have X amount of time and can spend X% of it with him, not all of it.

    He should respect your needs — if he responds negatively in any way, THAT is a red flag IMO.

    Good luck! :)

    #944109 Reply
    Eva

    So after our first date he asked to see me again and I guess I asked him to wait another week to see me again and he was fine with that but then the weather was nice and I was free so I suggested meeting him during the week and he agreed. He asks when I am free instead of just telling me that he can see me for example Wednesday. When I said he planned 2 dates in advance I meant he told me he can also be free on Saturday if I wanted to see him but I haven’t confirmed yet

    #944111 Reply
    Maddie

    The problem is, you can’t know if someone is a narcissist after only a date or two unless their behavior is so extreme that it’s obvious without even needing to get to know them. Paying attention when you see red flags is good, and so is listening to your gut if something feels uncomfortable, weird, or off. And I agree with all the tips mama gave too. But being hypervigilant, scanning constantly for red flags, measuring behavior by counting dates, this actually doesn’t help you because doing those things means you’re acting out of fear which will get in the way of building a connection with a good guy and will leave you with the kinds of guys you don’t want.

    The trick is rebuilding your own self esteem and learning more about how to have healthy boundaries. That way, you will trust yourself to walk away if you feel you’re not being treated properly. You will find you want a relationship with healthy boundaries and recognize if yours are being stomped on (which love bombing actually does, if you strengthen your boundaries and set your own pace you’ll realize love bombing is actually very invasive!). And you’ll know you’re going to be okay no matter how someone else acts.

    It takes some work to heal from an abusive ex and to get good with yourself again, but that’s the real antidote to dating narcissists, not overanalyzing someone you don’t know yet that you’ve met a couple of times.

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