How do keep tings casual

Totally what Raven said.

Here’s the thing – if your ex is still able to contact you 3 months after you told him to hit the road, are you possibly doing anything to make him believe he’s got a chance?? Do you have a secret wish to get back with him at all? Usually by 3 months people give up and disappear if you put up a stone wall and are dead serious that you’re done. Block him on everything and give him zero response if you aren’t already doing this.

This is not the time to be dating someone new. Take a time out. Tell the new guy you need some time to process and you’d love to circle back later in the year or early next year. People appreciate it when you’re honest and don’t use them as a rebound. He will understand and it it’s meant to be, you’ll be able to reconnect with him when you’re in a much better headspace. If you continue seeing him, it’s likely one or both of you will get hurt somehow. If you start sleeping with him you will almost certainly not be able to keep it casual. You clearly know you’re not ready so I hope you’ll do the right thing for both of you.

what is wrong here I am just not able to reply

Thank for your reply ladies. Actually like I had mentioned, the situation is very complicated. The relationship was already not going good and I had literally no clue he had been cheating on me since September 2019. He totally maintained in front of me that he is a virtuous person and is only into me. Like everybody that knows him believes this about him. But he was secretly cheating all this while. And meanwhile made me believe very subtly that I was doing something because of which he was getting more and more withdrawn. And I had not been doing anything….would just very normally question him at time, why he doesn’t call me as often, is he going through something etc, he would say yes I am depressed, but would never do anything. And then one day out of the blue I accidentally opened his gmail and then one thing led to another and I discovered that he had been cheating on me since so long. I was so depressed after that. I stress on the word “accidentally” there…because uptill now I had not even considered the fact that my baby for whom I would have done anything in the world was cheating on me….without any shred of guilt…..and was also being so so bad to me since the time he got other women to enjoy with…. I just couldn’t he is in fact like every other man that used me and lied to me…..if not worse…but I did not cry or beg him to talk to me, I just told im that I found out and don’t wanna be with him….he didn’t even call back then. I blocked him from everywhere. Then in a matter of 10 days, wen he saw that I am not trying to get him back or cry, he started calling and texting, he did that for 20 days, disappeared from home, his mom called, a lot of things happened but I did not say anything except that I did not wish to talk to a lying sc*mbag like him ever again.
By now 1 month was over. Then he showed up at my door. Stayed outside for 2 days without eating or drinking, just trying to talk, I spoke to him and asked to go back or I will call the cops. He did not go, sat with his laptop in the burning heat and did his office work and kept drinking, yes he has an alcohol problem…then the third day he started banging on my door, and by night time, COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN MY FRONT GATE VIOLENTLY with his legs and hands and entered my house. I called the cops but they did not come, yes the police service is dismal here. I was so s**t scared, but he came and started crying like a two year old, he said I am sorry, I am very sorry, I won’t do any such thing again… kept crying the entire night, told me he is a compulsive liar, has self-esteem issues, he les and drinks huge amounts every day and that he is pathetic and I am right to leave him….BUT HE DID NOT LEAVE MY HOUSE AFTER THAT and a lot of things happened…. I am so depressed. I have been talking to a therapist, but nothing is helping….
I am somehow free of him now as I told him I needed to see my parents and came home. He dropped me till the airport and everything. Since 1 August I am home, he is still blocked but he calls every day…He doesn’t wanna leave me. And I feel scared to leave him, as he has blackmailed me about my pictures as well…. And he is extremely jealous of any male that I talk to now…I am in so much trouble now….and on top of that, I feel like I love him stil…..but I know he is not good for me….don’t know what to do…..I thought meeting guys casually might be a good distraction from all this but it is not as I am scared of all males now and equally angry… I am really messed up and the therapy isn’t helping because I am not able to do anything the therapist says….as I a too depressed, I just keep ruminating over all this…….

o my god. you have been threw a lot!. but all that has happened clearly shows that he is not a person to be with, or spend your life with. hes bad news baby. cheater, liar, alcoholic, abuser, emotional blackmailer, stalker, doesn’t respect healthy boundaries, manipulator, user, obsessed, dangerous, immature, shameless… the list just doesn’t end.

i think you need to file a complaint against him and get restraining orders. but frankly he seems unhinged and frankly a little scary. so you need to tread cautiously. you need to get rid of him from your life in a way that he gets that its over and doesn’t hound/stalk you any more. i feel you need to speak to his mom since she had contacted you when you guys broke up. ask her to talk to his son, explain to her mom that you just don’t feel it anymore. all your feelings for him have died when you discovered he cheated and you can no longer trust him. and if trust is gone, there can no longer be a relationship. hes rubbish and you need to dump him asap.

About the new man, i feel you need to sort this out before you even think of dating other men.

Also,I am getting better. But some days are just really really tough. I miss his touch, I have developed insomnia, have lost my sense of taste and smell due to the constant worry and Rumination..I am taking medication.

However, now I am very scared to meet anybody. Everyone I talk to seems stalkerish or not capable of respecting boundaries…it’s just scary.

“And his mom won’t accept he cheated, she thinks her son is tne best guy on the planet…”

Well, this is all terrible, but it looks like you found the original source of his terrible actions and lack of boundaries right here. People usually learn terrible behaviors from somewhere, and families with bad boundaries or dysfunction themselves are often the culprits. So do not talk to his family members either, they’re not going to help.

“have lost my sense of taste and smell due to the constant worry and Rumination” As someone who used to ruminate a LOT and experience the anxiety impacts around it (not sleeping and eating as the biggest ones), this should not be part of the symptoms. Unless it’s a known side effect from the medication you’re taking? Sorry to add to your worries, but have you been tested for mild covid-19? Or did you have it in the recent past, as it can take some people a long time to get those senses back after infection?

In regards to your other posts, I agree with the other posters. Now is no time to date, as men in general are triggering you further right now. You sound like you may have PTSD, and also like you may need to try out a couple different therapists before you find the right one who works for you and properly connects with you. You also may look into domestic violence and abuse resources online for women and how to safely get away from those situations. While you’ve physically removed yourself, you haven’t been able to fully do it because he’s trying not to let you, which is not uncommon when leaving abusive situations. Those types of groups may be able to provide you with more support including if anything more can be done besides fully blocking and changing info, such as the restraining order suggested and how to fill one out.

You’re going through a lot and having normal trauma responses. The good news is, you will be able to find options that help since others have gone through similar experiences and there are some established treatments that eventually work, though healing takes time.

Saying that I have lost the sense of smell and taste would be wrong, it is more like the sense has become impaired. I just get few tastes or smell and mostly everything smells and tastes horrible. Not normal at all.