Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › How can you get over an ex you're still friends with?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
Wilma.
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Eve
Hi Everyone,
I was here asking advice about my LDR boyfriend a few months ago and I got a lot of good ideas from you, so I’m here again. So, to cut a long story short, the situation is that we broke up due to the distance which he couldn’t bear because we could rarely meet IRL but as we were very close to each other, we stayed “friends” and continued to talk everyday, as we used to. I thought I accepted the breakup, but later I had to realise that deep down in my heart I didn’t. We met as “friends” once IRL and we almost ended up getting back together and for a couple of weeks it seemed that we might just get back to each other romantically, but last week he told me he’d like me to be open (to a new romantic realtionship with someone else) and be happy. I heard him, this was pretty clear. I gave up hope and I’m trying to grieve him, I’m talking to other guys, even arranging dates, but it seems impossible to get over him while we’re still so close emotionally and talk so much every day. I know the answer would be to cut him off, I’m sure he would understand, but I tried to go without him a couple of days and it was even more horrible and painful than having him around all the time. Now I just keep telling myself that we’re over for good and it wouldn’t work anyway, I keep repeating it like a mantra, but it’s still very hard. He’s a great emotional support to me, just like I am to him, he’s like a best friend, I really don’t know how I could do without him, but the problem is that I’m in love with him when I shouldn’t be. Do you have any advice?
Thanks,
EveRaven
You have to sever the ties …
Sadly, You can not be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.Peggy
Hi Eve-Raven is right on with her advice. Typically when a couple splits,the “friend thing” really means that someone (usually the woman) wants to get back together. This rarely happens and is a recipe for pain. Move on and find a best friend that you do not also want to sleep with! Good luck-it is not easy but things will get better.
Hannah
I’m sorry. I know this is horrible. But I agree with the others. You have to end the friendship and suffer the pain. Otherwise part of your heart will always be with him and you won’t be able to move on. You can’t give a new man your heart until the old man is out of it.
Ollie
My hunch is you are not ready for the real thing…a great relationship with a man who lives near you. Don’t force yourself to date others until you are ready. Don’t put anyone in the position to be your rebound. Just open your heart and mind to living a spectacular life right where you are….WHERE YOU ARE. Good things will come if you are willing to grow and not attaching yourself to someone who is not within you reach.
Yes, you’re gonna have to let this guy go if you want the real deal.
Maria
I agree with others as well. And I remember the horrible pain, all too well. There is nothing anyone can do except give it time and try your best to move on. Breakup campaign: retail therapy, spa therapy, fitness therapy, new hobbies, renew old social connections, stay busy all day and night.
That is why it is so important not to get involved with a guy is you do not see him potentially as a future HB. The breakups and the stress are terrible! It can take 1-3 years to get over it. So take your time and next time be very selective and screen guys very carefully. More than 80% of problems can be screened out.
In the meantime, if you stay out of contact completely (not even social media pokes), HE will begin to miss you. And then if you stick to your guns, who knows, maybe you two can figure out what to do with the distance. But you have to go through this no-contact stage.
Eve
Thank you girls, for your insight! I think I know deep in my heart that I must lossen the ties with him, even if it is extreamly hard for me. I have already written him a message in which I tell him that I need to focus on myself and I need time alone -which is a polite way of cutting him off- but I just didn’t have the courage to send it to him yet. I’m collecting my strengh and keep telling myself that this is for the best and I don’t want to keep hurting.
Ollie, you’re right, I don’t think I’m ready for a new relationship now and it’s a great idea to focus on things that make me happy. It’s a bit hard still, because my first instict is sharing these experiences with him, as we usually do, though it might just fade as time goes by. With him, we discuss things which we can’t really discuss with anyone else in our day-to-day lives, like our dreams, hopes and fears, deepest desires, our writings -we both write, me poems and tales, while he is working on a novel and we both think the other one is a gifted writer, we are each other’s first reader and first critic- and we both know secrets about each other’s lives that hardly anyone else does. We communicate in various ways, phone calls, texts and emails, even snail mail, though e-mails and text messages are the most frequent, everyday means of keeping in touch between us. Before our first IRL meet up as “friends” he was enthusiastic about spending more time together, but things flared up again between us and we even ended up kissing each other in the last moment and later on he told me he was amazed that after not seeing each other for more than 3 months, he still feels the way he does about me. But then as the weeks went by he never brought up the topic of meeting again and when I asked him in a friendly banter if he’d like to visit me and spend some time together, he said he didn’t know what his plans were, which is a polite way of saying no. I know that the distance is a real dealbreaker for him, it’s a bit hard for me to understand, as it is not a dealbreaker for me, even if I’m not happy about it, of course. I don’t know how am I going to live my life without having him in it, even online, or on the phone or whatever, but I know that I’m hurting and I must break this cycle. I want to be strong. Thanks for reading this long post.
SthrnBelle
This is very dangerous and not good for you, talking to him every single day suggests to you that you are still together and your brain and heart are unable to move on and this could go on a long time and will disallow you from being open to other relationships so they may never happen.
Meeting again is an even worse idea if he does not want the relationship. Of course there is nothing amazing about the chemistry and connection still being there after months, you were already in an LDR and you kept on talking. I did not keep on talking to my ex but when we met more than three months later, it was the same. It is never a good idea to meet again unless you are both seriously contemplating getting back together and progress in the relationship or you have moved on a while ago, in a relationship where your feelings are vested and you are truly able to just be friends. This will not happen for a while.
Yes, it is initially much more difficult to cut a romantic partner off, in fact most people are not capable to do full NC and break down at one point but the goal still remains NC. It is really like going off drugs, incredibly difficult. Of course you will experience severe pain and suffering at first but this is normal. It requires a lot of patience towards yourself and recognizing and rationalizing your feelings to do it and even so it is guaranteed to hurt. But if you persist, in the long run it is definitely much better for you.
There are great support groups, I used the reddit forum suggested to me here, it is ExNoContact and there is a chat room. It can give you support every single day if you need it and allow you to talk to others going or having gone through the same.
Being stuck and remaining stuck is the worst thing that can happen to you and at the same time he will never miss you, it keeps on feeding his ego that you are still there. You should have cut him off long ago but it is never too late. I wish you strength through all this.
Wilma
I feel the same thing, I was in a relationship with my ex and he works on the holiday cruise ship we met 3yrs who and become in a LDR we meet when he’s back on land but all of a sudden he gave up and stop fighting for our love. I think he lost interest in me and he said that he was stressing with our relationships (while he’s the one who’s always stressing and causing the stress) it was unfair for me but I was willing to fight for him and willing to do everything to make him happy but in the end he wanted to start a new relationships with others. This makes me sad because he lied that he wanted to be alone and doesn’t want any relationships while he’s out there looking for someone knew.
The pain is really bad especially when everything you planned with him was just a hope now that it’s not going to happen. The pain is still there but I have to stay strong for my family. You might also think that there’s no one else will replace him which is right but I still hope that there is someone else better for both of us. Everything happen for a reason and this pain happen for a reason we just need to endure it and wait patiently for the right time. Maybe it’s not our time yet but now I’m just waiting for that time and to heal. I know how you’re struggling as I am struggling very hard and all of my friends are there to help me but things will get better for us I believe that.
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