How can he not want to have sex??


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Em 5 days, 18 hours ago.

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  • #864894 Reply

    Em

    Hi everyone
    There’s this guy whom I’ve known for quite some time. We attended the same college but never really interacted. I later learnt that he had a crush on me but I didn’t make anything of it since he wasn’t the one who told me.
    Fast forward some years later, we’d bump into each other at pubs or social events. We live in a small town. So eventually one night after some drinks I guess he mustered up the courage to ask for my number. I gave it to him not making anything of it. We stayed in contact mostly over the phone since I’d turn down any advances to meet up. I then learnt that one of his close friends committed suicide. Naturally I felt terrible for him so I offered to take him out for ice cream. Surprisingly the ice cream date went really well. From then onwards, we’d meet up almost every Friday for a drink or something. One night, we got a little tipsy and started making out. I knew I didn’t want to be intoxicated in the event that I do have sex with this guy so I grabbed my stuff and went home. I think I was also kinda playing hard to get now that I think of it. I tried to call him the following Friday and he didn’t pick up. I texted to see if he’s alright and he bluntly said he was. The text seemed a little cold so I then asked if everything was alright and he said me dashing out on him kinda made him feel weird. He didn’t know if it was something he had said or done. He just felt bad about himself. I asked him out on another ice cream date just to smooth things out. I was genuinely starting to enjoy this guys company so I didn’t want bad blood between us. We went on the date, ironed it all out and drove back to his place. One thing lead to another and that’s how him and I started hooking up. We had a brief conversation about where we were both at in terms of romance and it definitely seemed as though neither of us was in the right headspace for a relationship. I was therefore content with the sex buddy arrangement. We had basically agreed on hooking up on Fridays/weekends but he did start calling during the week and in the early mornings (like 6am!!) that for me was frustrating so I told him my weekdays are busy let’s just keep it to the Fridays. I could sense this was frustrating him. Come Friday, I call him and he didn’t sound keen for me to come over. I ask if there’s anything wrong and he sent me a text about how he now wants to focus on his business. He doesn’t think I’m what he needs and he can no longer be apart of the arrangement. He also mentioned something about just wanting someone to settle down with. I was honestly gutted because I had come to really enjoy his company and we were having amazing sex too. We didn’t speak for about 2 months until one day I called him up. I was at a mall close to his house so he obviously crossed my mind. He asked me to buy him a smoothie and come over. So I went over and as we were making out, he asked me to be his girlfriend but in a very jokey way. That’s literally how I took it so my response was along the lines “don’t be crazy. You know I can’t be your gf.” We had sex and I left thinking our arrangement was back on. Then he just ghosted me. I literally never heard from him ever again. I guess why this stings is coz the sex was amazing and I genuinely enjoyed being around him. He’d make me laugh and we’d have such a good time together. Why would he just ghost me?? I literally cannot make sense of it.
    For better context, he never seemed to be inlove with me. He spoke of two women he found attractive this one time so that clearly voids the idea of him liking me as a gf. One of them being his ex. Literally nothing he did administered signs of a guy who wants to pursue something more than just sex so I’m confused. I can’t ask him for answers because he doesn’t return my calls or texts and I don’t wanna come across as crazy by constantly trying to reach out. Help please.

    #864900 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This guy wanted more than you could give him. He wanted a relationship and a girlfriend, he made that clear. You only wanted sex on Friday nights. You’re not compatible! I’m sure it’s torture for him to hang out with and have amazing sex with someone who treats him so casually.

    Good for him for cutting you off and moving on. You said yourself you could sense his frustration. Hopefully you can understand this and leave him alone.

    #864901 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Honey, is your empathy that poor?

    He does not want what you want. How many times did he have to say it? He thought he wanted casual, but does not. And your cold and weird behavior was not ok for him. He wants someone more available and emotionally consistent or to work on himself. You started something where people can walk away by design and then you are surprised they walk away. That is what sex arrangements are.

    I am sorry this is hard for you, but it should not be surprising.

    #864903 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You said: “Literally nothing he did administered signs of a guy who wants to pursue something more than just sex so I’m confused.”

    HE ASKED YOU TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. He said he wanted someone to settle down with. Don’t be dense. This guy wants more than you can give him– leave him alone.

    #864907 Reply

    Erin

    How can he not want to have sex?

    1)Because he just doesn’t want to,

    2) He can get it elsewhere,anytime

    3) No woman has a golden co.och which is toooo irresistible

    4) He owes you nothing

    Into the basics

    He didn’t ghost you, it wasn’t a relationship, you were in a booty call arrangement.

    He just decided that he was no longer interested in what he you have to offer and he didn’t want to offer you anything in return.

    Booty calls don’t require consistency, if they don’t want to see you that day/time, they don’t. If they stop talking to you, it is what it is. If they pop up again an you’re down for it, then it happens, don’t expect them to stick around.

    My 2 cents.

    Don’t get into casual arrangements when you know you’ll catch feelings. Once you start catching feelings, abort mission immediately.

    What to do

    Nothing,don’t call him or text him or ‘accidentally’ bump into him, or stalk his social media. You’ll just look like a creep..

    Move on and find another guy who wants to hit it and stop catching feelings.

    If you want real relationship with people don’t use sex as a bargaining tool

    #864908 Reply

    T from NY

    I just want to point out this post comes across as you describing your behaviors as so callous. It’s no wonder men think women are cold and heartless. I don’t how you can be confused about his interest when this guy clearly was trying to escalate the interactions when he began calling in the week, said he didn’t want to keep interacting casually because he felt possibly ready to settle down, then later asked you to be his girlfriend even if in a joking way. Let’s say he was just looking for sex – you would play cat and mouse games and only see him when you wanted to, then told him he was crazy that you can’t be his girlfriend. Now you won’t accept he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

    Women need to understand men are not heartless. Yes some of them can have casual sex with you and not get emotionally attached. For them sex can be a fun release, not all emotional and bonding. But for some men there is definitely an element of respect and modicum of feeling needed for them to continue interacting with you physically.

    I recommend you leave the guy alone! Stop tempting him for sex if he’s trying to pursue relations that might lead to something more long term. Possibly continuing to see you complicates that for him. I am absolutely against people ghosting, but the way you describe y’all’s interactions it’s like he tries to tell you several times it’s not working for him and you just keep trying to tempt him back because if works for you. I encourage you to never “play hard to get” with someone again, develop bravery to interact authentically with men, and let this guy go live his life.

    #864911 Reply

    Gaia

    Why are you upset that he his treating you like a FWB when that is what you proclaim you want? It sounds like that isn’t his cup of tea. He wants a relationship with you but you say you don’t want one. You are playing mind games with this guy.

    Leave him alone unless you want a real relationship with him.

    #864916 Reply

    Em

    I don’t believe I was reacting to him in a way he wasn’t to me. I’m literally a reciprocator. When he’d call during the week or in the early mornings, it sounded like he just wanted sex and I unfortunately would not be in a position to come over during those times. If he wanted the arrangement to change, I don’t see why he wouldn’t communicate that with me so I atleast am somewhat prepared. I’m a grown woman, you can’t jokingly ask me anything and expect a sincere response. If it’s a joke to you, it’ll likely also be a joke to me. Also it’s mid making out, guys are known to say just about anything in a heated moment. He made comments about this one lady we both know, that she’s hot. I don’t see how a man who wants to pursue a relationship with me would make such comments. He also made a comment about his ex, this all leads me to believe we’re just friends who happen to have sex. Honestly I think what I’m concerned about is him thinking or feeling I was just using him. That he meant nothing to me. That wouldn’t be true. I genuinely enjoyed his company and should we never hook up, I’d still want us to atleast be able to greet each other should we ever see each other. I don’t want to give him some distorted idea of women. If anything I’d want to let him know that if he has intentions with someone, he should make them clear. I closed off any possibility of us becoming a couple when we agreed that it was just casual sex. To expect me to change my mind without a clear and sincere conversation would be unfair. No?

    #864920 Reply

    Erin

    I agree with everything TallSpicy said.

    Did I miss the part where he said he wanted a relationship with homegirl here?

    They both agreed that they were not in the headspace for a relationship and agreed to become booty calls.

    Somewhere in the middle this guy realized he wanted something more real, but not with her and he told her so and he started pulling back but she pursued him aggressively after he gave her the ‘deuces’ ​

    Of course he jokingly asked her to be his girlfriend because he knew it wasn’t like that between them.

    As for the calls, he realized the one night a week hookups were not cutting it. Sexually active people who have healthy sex appetites don’t bang once a week and I don’t need to mention pre-planned sex is a bore.

    This is a man who realized there was nothing more to them than sex and he jumped ship so he could pursue what he really needed but she couldn’t deal with it.

    No need to sanitize this, it was a booty call and one party opted out of the arrangement gracefully. One party was slow on the uptake/in denial that ‘How could a man not want sex!”

    #865017 Reply

    Lane

    Em, I don’t think you should hang around or contact him again. I get you ‘miss’ his companionship but the two of you are operating from two different mentalities, and trying to force a square peg in a round hole is futile.

    FWB’s only become complicated when one wants MORE than the other is willing to offer. Those who are on the same page, don’t have these issues; whereas ending or continuing it is easy, and effortless. When its not, then its best to disengage as it will never be the same, which is why these are temporary in nature, and should be treated as such.

    #865390 Reply

    Maddie

    You seem to be writing about two separate issues. One is that you don’t respect this guy for being too indirect and passive about what he wants. Two is that you’re more interested in him when he pulls away and is less available, otherwise there would be no reason for you to hang around if you thought he was playing games and making jokes instead of being upfront. You try to explain things away with great sex and companionship to justify why you’re still emotionally involved enough in this to post here, and also talk about you yourself playing hard to get, so seeming unavailable being attractive is definitely a theme.

    I can’t entirely tell if he was into you more than casually or not. I read your post and comments like he was, but the other posters made a decent case that he wasn’t. It was hard to tell because you kept saying you didn’t think anything of it, things seemed like this, you assumed that… maybe you were making assumptions about everything because he’s indirect? But it made it hard to tell what he actually said and did.

    It doesn’t really matter what he wanted anyway because you’re fundamentally incompatible. He’s a bad communicator, you want him to be a better communicator and be as clear as you yourself feel you were being (although to me personally reading this, your actions were contradictory and confusing). He’s in a life stage where he wants more than casual, you said you’re not and you just want casual, and even if you wanted more it would not be with him since he’s too indirect to be good relationship material. He eventually acted totally in character of what he was showing you the entire time you’ve known him and so ghosted you instead of clearly communicating what he wanted after the last time you saw him (validating your concerns that he’s too indirect for you!), yet you’re still expecting him to act differently after it sounds like years of this pattern of being indirect over and over just because you’re offering sex.

    Men don’t always want sex just because it’s available (one big example is committed men who don’t cheat), so sex is not the surefire way to keep men around indefinitely. And men can’t always compartmentalize. Some can, some can’t. If someone of either gender is at a life stage where they want a relationship (even if they’re too indirect or passive or inconsistent to truly go for it and are prone to sabotage), if they have enough self-esteem they’ll still walk away from a situation that’s not working for them to make room to work on themselves and/or find what they do want.

    I don’t think you’ve changed his life view of women, and if you did, that’s HIS problem. No one healthy should be assuming things about an entire gender based on one set of experiences. So don’t worry about distorting his view of women. And don’t worry about convincing him to communicate better. You can’t change him. So there’s really no reason to be in touch unless you are more drawn to him now because he is unavailable and your ego is bruised… yet if he were available again you wouldn’t want him anyway though you’d enjoy the company and the sex. But you can find those things elsewhere in a better match, so why waste your own time on him?

    I think if you do ever randomly run into him he’ll be polite, and so will you. Doesn’t sound like there’s any reason not to be. Things just didn’t work out between you. You’ll both eventually find new partners who may be better matches. That’s part of what dating is about, learning what you’re actually looking for, which means most people change their minds at some point if they’ve learned a situation doesn’t match their needs.

    #866144 Reply

    Em

    Thank you everyone for your honest opinions. I think the whole situation was unsettling because I’ve never experienced anything like it (the ghosting.) I was truly baffled why someone who claimed to not be looking for a serious relationship would have trouble maintaining a FWB situation. I also was kind of seeking assurance that I wasn’t being a complete a-hole for simply wanting to live up to the agreement we had going into this. If he’s ok wherever he is, I am too. I could describe myself as a bit of a commitment phobe, although I do date exclusively when it feels right to. I’ve always maintained a good relationship with any of FWB- even post hooking up so this experience was genuinely weird. I guess my take away from all this is that he changed his mind about what or who he actually wanted and failed to communicate that to me? There’s no denying that to me, the sex was the greater pleasure of the friendship but that does not mean I didn’t care for him beyond it.

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