Help me understand my reaction

I agree the timing was bad for the conversation. But I think it was reasonable for him to want to check in about expectations. You said you didn’t want to talk about it, and wanted to keep things “nonexclusive/nondefined until I knew exactly what i want from him”, but he has a right to ask, whether or not you want to discuss it.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and a woman had sex with a guy after date 6-7 and then wanted to discuss expectations– if he got pissed off and “didn’t want to talk about it”, we’d all think he was a jerk. Once a relationship turns sexual, it’s totally reasonable for someone to want to discuss expectations. If nothing else, I would expect sexual exclusivity with someone I was sleeping with, even if we hadn’t decided if we were officially in a relationship yet.

Maybe you should examine your reaction to him — you said you were “disgusted” by his question. That seems a bit extreme, and when we have extreme reactions, there’s usually something underneath. Was it because he said he didn’t want a relationship with you, and you think you might want one with him? Would you have had the same reaction if he had said he wanted to be exclusive?

If you really want to end things, by all means do! You’re not obligated to keep seeing the guy, or sleep with him. If you feel you don’t want to see him anymore it’s absolutely your right. I’ll be honest though, I find that most women who “aren’t looking for anything, it just depends on the guy” or “don’t want a relationship but I’m open to whatever”– most women who say that DO want a relationship and are scared or unable to verbalize that desire. So maybe ask yourself what you really want. Maybe this guy is not what you want, but think about whether a nondefined/nonexclusive situation is what you truly want.

*I have no idea what triggered him to start the topic, he mentioned it’s because of his last relationship and he’s been single for a year*

Actually what Maddie said crossed my mind as well but now I’m more inclined to think that he was waiting until you had sex before he decided what his next steps would be. How was it btw? I wouldn’t have thought it was because he assumed you’d want a relationship just because you had sex though but I could be wrong. More to do with his own expectations etc

Not sure what exactly he meant in the quote above but I think if you probed more you’d have a better idea about his timing and why he said it.st ==

Thank you for all the inputs. Uhh this will be a long reply

@Liz: I’m not bothered with his wish to discuss intentions, I’m bothered by the timing. If the situations were reversed, we’d all be telling the girl that right after sex it’s not the time for such discussion. If he wanted exclusivity I would probably give it a go (mainly out of fear that I’ll regret more not giving it a try, than a few weeks of limited options), and I would say it’s way too early to discus a serious relationship.
Until that happened, I thought that such talks are happening when one person considers current arrangement too loose (ie wants exclusivity or relationship).
I’m disgusted because it created a feeling “I knew that before, but I was afraid you wouldn’t have sex with me; now that my balls are empty and my testosterone level is so low that sex is uninteresting, I can let you know”. I’m also annoyed that he assumed I want a relationship instead of asking, especially because I did pay attention to not appear overly eager or needy. Not necessarily connected to him, I’m also annoyed that it’s assumed that a woman wants relationship after sex.

What I mean in open to whatever was that I’m not chasing a relationship. My ideal scenario would be casual dating which eventually ends up in serious relationship, but there are plenty of guys with whom I would enter other arrangements (bluntly put- too stupid to date, too hot to send away)

@Maddie: not at all! Also no empty promises or future faking. It felt like normal dating, with him showing the best version of himself and occasionally testing whether I’m a relationship material. Asking about my family and our relationships, asking what dating in my country looks like and, here’s the kicker, asking me whether I want kids.
Also apparently this 180 wasn’t limited to me, he changed his tinder bio from a pretty strong bio which would make a girl on the fence to swipe right to a bio that screams I’m stupid/not serious

@lanthe Sex itself was fine for the first time. I actually expected it to be worse as there there is a big mismatch in height and weight. He seemed happy and satisfied and impressed with my body/fitness level. But even if it were sex, he’s old enough to know that the first time is not as good as it gets.
Another thing that could’ve triggered him was he himself. “The talk” came minutes after he made a joke “there is no yours and mine, there’s only ours”
In a hindsight I should’ve handled everything differently and ask questions, but I was caught off guard and my brain pretty much blanked