This topic contains 42 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Dangerouse 2 months ago.
January 2, 2020 at 12:22 pm #782058
You need to establish better boundaries and de-priortize this relationship. Decide you want to spend time with friends and hobbies. Once you do that and step away from being so intertwined in his life will you be able to see things as they are instead of a fantasy. Begin a journal to figure out where your insecurities are coming from. It works because you will begin to put yourself first instead of this man.January 2, 2020 at 12:38 pm #782063
Thank you for the input everyone –
I have been seeing a psychologist for a number of years. I’ve got a lot of childhood trauma, my husband was emotionally abusive. She has been working with me and helped me move out of my marrige. She told me that she doesn’t like the sound of this man. That his eyes are cold in photographs and that sociopaths are made rather than born . She said you will leave when you are ready.
So I have been diagnosed as co dependant, after you pointed it out I can see that I’m very worried about how he feels and even his wife will think yet I’m not grateful. She has given me small things via him. At Easter she buys me chocolate etc .
But my question is as before – how to I tell him it’s over? What do I say ? I do afraid of turning him down. Other times I have left he has done sonthing so it was easier .January 2, 2020 at 4:26 pm #782079
If telling him the truth doesn’t work, I would tell him that you are interested in something else and not him. I would send a letter or email rather than a method that allows an immediate response. I don’t think doing it in person will work as people like him cannot take no for an answer unless it’s their idea.
Then if he continues to bother you about trying to get back together, tell him you will be cutting off all contact and block him.January 2, 2020 at 4:49 pm #782081
I REALLY don’t like the fact your psychologist thinks this man could be a sociopath!! That tells me you need to get out of this NOW1 As you said you are co dependant so it’s going to be hard for you to break free. I agree with Anon you need to do this over text or email.
What you say is quite simple really. It’s the not taking his calls or allowing him to beg you back into his life that’s hard. Simply tell him with the start of the new year there are so many new possibilities and you have promised yourself to stop doing things which don’t fulfill you. This relationship isn’t giving you what you need so it’s time to end it and move on to something new which makes you happy.January 2, 2020 at 4:50 pm #782082
If you must block his number to make this easier or threaten to file a restraining order if he shows up at your home or place of work then don’t be afraid to tell him that.January 3, 2020 at 12:26 am #782123
Thank you everyone, really good advice.
Kaye – my psychologist isn’t one one tell me what to do or give advice. But I have talked to her about this guy and she said I am strong enough and I will leave when it’s time. I showed her a photo of us together hugging for a selfie together. She said ‘Lil, there is a coldness in his eyes. I said is their a coldness in my eyes? She said no yours are lit up and happy, his are dead cold. This is when we finished up the session and she said you know Lil the term sociopath comes to mind, I don’t know this man I can’t diagnose him and he isn’t my client you are , but I’m concerned.January 3, 2020 at 7:45 am #782130
How about :
I am no longer interested in dating a married man. I’d like to focus on myself and finding someone who can fully commit to me.
Also, as you feel guilt about breaking up with this guy, recognize that in all likelihood, the day his wife decided this was a no go or the day he found someone “different”, he would not have one ounce of guilt for dumping you.
There are other men who will be kind to you. Even if you are not ready for a real relationship, you can find other “situations” with men who are kind and supportive.January 3, 2020 at 9:50 am #782135
Here’s a somewhat different take on this. Since he isn’t going to commit to you nor put your needs as a priority you can keep him around and still date other people. Be open, tell him this is your intention. You want to find someone who isn’t going to treat you like a 3rd wheel. His wife and kids come before you and it sounds like you don’t like that, with good reason.January 22, 2020 at 6:02 pm #783459
I decided to take advantage of my daughter being with her dad for a week holiday by spending a week in solitude on my own. I’m very introverted. I’ve been struggling with depression and to me this is the perfect reset. I also wanted to see how I felt not being in contact with him for the week. I’ve got to make a decision on what I want to do in this relationship that Im very conflicted by. So I explained to him over text that I will be going away for a week and doing no technology so no phone calls, texts etc to reset myself for the year. I explained that I haven’t been feeling well in myself and needed to do this. Though the white lie was that I was staying home but if I told him that he would just want to visit. I just wanted alone time, a week alone for me is heaven. I did this over text as when we are in person or over the phone I somehow dissociate and get apologetic and agreeable.
His initial response was to give him back something that he lent me and I was to leave it at the front door and he would collect it. I said no ( we live nearly an hour and a half apart ) I said I would post it back and he said no I wasn’t to do this I was to leave it for him to come and pick up. We spoke on the phone later that night and he seemed fine with it and said he understood. I told him that I would be in touch with him on Tuesday. So the second day of my week alone I was having breakfast and I look up to see him walking in my garden! Instead of going to work he drove for over 70km. I was so angry that he showed up. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. he said he was very surprised that I was home as he didn’t expect that I would be there but wanted to make sure I was ok as I had said that I was not feeling the best.
I let him in and told him that it was unacceptable to just show up. I told him that I needed this time alone. He said he understood but can’t bear to go a day without contacting me but he agreed to leave me alone for the week, and that he understood. He has since sent me texts, I haven’t opened them.
After having this time away 4 days do far the depression has lifted and I feel at peace. Him showing up has creeped me out . I’m now wondering why if he didn’t expect me to be there and then why come? I think my decision will be to end this on Tuesday but I somehow feel guilty in doing so. Was him showing up unexceptable? He didn’t know that I was depressed more I was tired and needing a break. He doesn’t seem to know how to give me space,January 22, 2020 at 6:48 pm #783462
He has no sense of boundaries and yes, is creepy. It’s very telling that your mood lifted when you spent time away from him. Free yourself from the burden and remove him/ the toxicity from your life. Sending you peace…January 22, 2020 at 6:53 pm #783463
Lil,You’ve been married before so you can only imagine how this sounds,right?..I say you should move in with them & you guys should all be one happy family since you dont mind sharing..What I’d like to know is what are going to do when girlfriend #2 surfaces,& trust me she will..January 23, 2020 at 7:41 am #783495
Lil, we can beat you over the head and tell you to leave him but its ultimately up to you to decide that for yourself. I truly do hope you gather up the space to end this charade, take some personal “me time” to work on yourself, especially co-dependency, and stay away from men until you feel strong, empowered, happy in your skin and have a good level of self-esteem which is what you need to attract better men.
Like they say “what you give out is what you get back.” It’s tine for you to do the hard work to break this pattern, stop staying stuck in a rut, pull yourself out of it and get on the path to inner happiness because until you master that then all you’re going to do is attract the same. You need to want it more than we do—until you get there on your own there is nothing any of us can say to help you.January 23, 2020 at 12:54 pm #783517
Not creepy. He got a vibe that you are lying to him, which you were, so he came by. This is what happens when everyone abandons themselves. You and him.
I do not think this man is a sociopath. I think you are armchair psych 101 to justify why you should end it. Cold eyes does not a pscho make. Extreme self importance and lying do as do harsh actions without caring for others. Being poly does not make him any of those things.
This man has done nothing wrong and he has not lied to you.
Own your own bullhonkey which is you chose a man who was clear that he could not give you what you claim to want. You chose it. And you are not leaving it.
Sorry to be so blunt, but this guy is not really doing anything wrong.January 23, 2020 at 5:28 pm #783544
I don’t see any evidence you’re going to be able to break up with this man and make it stick. Highly recommend you get some IRL support on this matter. We can tell you this situation is bad news, you know it’s bad news but you don’t apparently have the strength to tell him no. He senses that and he’s going to keep pushing because he knows you’re weak.
If you really want out – then step up and start putting yourself first. Tell him no and mean it.January 23, 2020 at 10:15 pm #783575
T from NY
So many posts on this forum are NOT about the man at all. Even if this dude is a creeper — what matters is YOU. I agree you’ll do something final when you’re ready to do it. When you stop living in a fantasy and want something authentic and be BRAVE to be alone even when you don’t want to be, and get real with YOU. He will be a memory. Not worth another typed word.
What redcurlysue said all day long.
Take heart. Nearly all of us here have had something we felt we just couldn’t walk away from! Our newer, healthier, better selves look back and sigh. Keep working at it. Bit by bit.January 24, 2020 at 8:00 am #783592
@T from NY
Thank you! You and Redcurlysue always have wise words.January 24, 2020 at 8:02 am #783593
thank you to those that have offered kind and thoughtful advice…January 24, 2020 at 4:59 pm #783622
Yeah, but you haven’t listened to it. You are getting annoying. You are weak. You are self destructive and I don’t feel sorry for you. Do something smart for once. And quit whining, you have done this to yourself.
Mod update: Dangerouse, what the hell kind of a response is this?
I get that giving blunt answers is your schtick, and I know that everyone gets frustrated now and then, but this response crosses the line. Lighten up or don’t hit that submit button.
Your other responses this hour have been less-than-impressive, too. Either be useful to this community, or stop participating in this community.