This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 1 week, 3 days ago.
July 17, 2021 at 12:42 pm #896364
I have been dating a guy for around a month or so.
Over this time, it is usually me that asks if he wants to do something or is free. He hasn’t been split from his ex too long, so I don’t want to bombard him asking him out all the time as he has quite often been busy, away visiting his friends, seeing his guy mates etc.
There has been a few times I have asked him if he is free or wants to do anything and he has been busy.
One example was I went shopping on a Saturday not far from his. I messaged to say I am near and did he want to do anything that day. He said he was busy, so I said ok let me know later if you are free. Did he? No, so I went out to the beach and he then got annoyed I never asked him to the beach.
We went out this Friday and spent most of the evening together. I messaged Saturday mid morning to ask if he was free that weekend and he said he was busy all weekend. I then went off and took myself on a walk, did a few things to keep myself occupied and he got pissed off at me saying he would have loved to have spent the weekend with me.
I don’t get it! He says I am hard to read and never let him know my plans but he never asks! Is it because I am just not asking him far ahead enough? I just don’t understand why it should always be me to ask. I don’t think it is he doesn’t want to see me as he says he does.July 17, 2021 at 12:58 pm #896366
If he’s not asking to see you and then giving you crap for doing things without him, he’s a waste of your time. Don’t bother with guys who are recently out of relationships.July 17, 2021 at 2:08 pm #896376
I agree with Angiebaby. Don’t make excuses for him being busy because he’s recently out of a relationship, because all that does is enable you being a rebound. But if you’re intending on continuing to see this through, just talk to him about the best way to make plans. When he was “pissed off” he could have spent the weekend with you, say you prefer to make plans in advance and that if he wants to see you, that’s the way that works best for your schedule. Then see what he does. If he doesn’t change anything from what he’s doing now, you have your answer and drop him.
It’s also very possible he and his ex broke up because he was flaky with her in this way as well. If you are definitely communicating clearly but he’s saying you’re the one who is hard to read and finding ways to blame you for not seeing you, even though it’s actually just him doing his own thing, that’s also a huge red flag. Overall, he doesn’t sound worth the effort if he’s this difficult after only a month.July 17, 2021 at 2:43 pm #896383
Thank you for your replies. He says I am never forthcoming about my plans and what I am doing. If I am honest, it’s usually because I don’t have too many plans. All it takes to find out my plans is for him to say “what are you up to this weekend/week” and based on my response “would you like to do something?” I don’t know how it’s that hard.July 17, 2021 at 4:08 pm #896403
It’s not supposed to be this hard. Stop wasting your time trying to figure him out and move on. You are probably seeing why someone else dumped him. This guy is lazy. You can’t fix that and there’s no point trying to understand it.July 17, 2021 at 10:16 pm #896459
C0nfused_Becky, This guy is LAZY…
Stop doing his job & find some one who’s not looking for a rebound.July 17, 2021 at 11:49 pm #896476
He is gaslighting you and showing you a critical and controlling side of himself. You ask him if he is free. He says no. At the moment he says “no” you have zero obligation to tell him what you are going to be doing. He forfeited his right to know because he chose to end his involvement in any potential plans.
He then turns around and outs himself by saying he could have spent time with you if only you had done something different. Please remember that phrase about you doing something different . It’ll be his mantra if you stay with him. What happened to him saying no and being busy? How convenient for him to be free after all when it can be used to condemn you.
The only way his narrative of blaming you could make sense is if he would tell you he does have plans, but then ask what did you have in mind because maybe he could meet up with you depending on when and where you would be and you replied, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be here or maybe there. Go jump in a lake fa la la”.
He is showing you an ugly side of him. Please don’t ignore this. You are questioning yourself based on him using emotion (getting pissed off) and creating a blame scenario to obscure the facts (you invited him and he said no). This is textbook gaslighting.
It starts small and grows. If you continue with him (And trust me, he will likely stay as long as you let him because he found someone who will put up with him.) he will always find a way to blame you for his behavior.
I don’t doubt he does want to be with you. Please don’t let that be your blinders to what he’s showing you right out of the gate. Men who exhibit the behavior he is do want to be with you, but they lack the tools, maturity, and self-awareness needed to contribute to growing a healthy relationship. This isn’t just about him “leading” or being interested. This is about him playing control games by sitting back and measuring you by how much you bend to him.
I wish I had a more positive reply for you. I’m not there and you and it’s your life, but please see if any of this feels in your gut like it hits home.July 18, 2021 at 12:19 am #896480
@Dana, I was going to mention gaslighting but forgot. You have given a great explanation of what’s going on here. This guy sounds very much like a narcissist, I forgot to mention that too.July 18, 2021 at 2:32 am #896494
100% what Dana said ..
Run away from this guy. It’s going to get more abusive the longer you stay in contact with him.
Sadly I know, you won’t pick it unless you have been exposed to this type of behaviour before. It’s a control tactic.July 18, 2021 at 10:36 am #896561
This is classic gaslighting. You nailed it.
Choosing to stay with a gaslighter is choosing to live in an upside down clown world. You are so correct that the abuse will only get worse. It may seem dramatic to call it abuse at the beginning, but it is. He’s planting the seeds for more to come. This is usually when women who stay begin rationalizing. They don’t want to get dramatic or blow things out of proportion when the truth is that he’s already blown things way out of proportion. He creates a world where logic does not apply and decides your intentions are always against him.
Here’s the million dollar question for a gaslighter: If she is so awful why does he stay? Answer: he needs an emotional punching bag for all his demons.
You can’t and should not even try to negotiate with people like this. They will use any opportunity to take advantage. Often when confronted with you leaving is when they will blurt out in anger that they love you. This is their hook… and the cycle continues.
You are 100% right that sadly many women stay if they haven’t been exposed to this behavior before.July 18, 2021 at 4:45 pm #896597
His actions are very loud in saying that he’s just not that into you, he can barely feign the interest, it’s not even funny.
Agree with everyone who says he’s a manipulative, gasligter.
He’s also not over his ex.
Please dumb his as*, he will bring you nothing but pain and heartache.July 19, 2021 at 9:23 am #896779
i agree with the ladies above. don’t bother with him and do not suggest any plans to meet. try this for 2/3 weeks and see what happens. think this will automatically fizzle out.July 19, 2021 at 10:26 am #896787
Stop texting this guy immediately. He sounds super lazy. If you have to be the one to always initiate why would you want to date someone who doesn’t reciprocate? How do you know if he even wants to see / date you it he never texts you first?July 20, 2021 at 6:35 am #897109
You need to end this pronto! He’s all over the place, not ready to date or be in a relationship because he’s still trying to recover from the last. All he is going to do is keep driving you crazy! Never let a man drive you crazy, especially this early in the ‘getting to know you’ process because he IS going to break your heart if you keep PUSHING, and he keeps PULLING away. Look up “push/pull” and you’ll clearly see the dysfunctional dynamic taking place between the two of you.
Stop acting like the man, it’s a major turn off to men. You are not giving him any freaking space, and want to control/consume his time because you don’t have much going on in yours. In the beginning, you MUST give the man the room to not only initiate (100%) but plan dates, and if he’s not doing it, its because he doesn’t want to. All he’s doing is yanking your chain—leading you to believe he’s interested when he’s clearly not or he would be doing the OPPOSITE.
Let this broken man go. Its not your job to fix men with broken hearts. Co-dependents do but a confident woman would have blown him off permanently the moment he stopped planning dates [outside the sheets] because she only spends her time with men who are actively showing A LOT of interest in her. Become that woman!July 21, 2021 at 2:52 am #897354
i like what you wrote lane. i infact befriended someone recently. what i realised is every time he goes through some issue in his life, it somehow gets translated in his interactions with me.either he lashes out or goes silent on me. the first time i kind of overlooked it completely. i thought i should be understanding and we all have bad times. but it happened thrice and so now i called him out on it and told him this is not what i am looking for. neither in a friend nor a potential partner and then simply deleted him from my list. thanx for your post.