This topic contains 53 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Bebe182 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
April 8, 2020 at 12:17 pm #788896
Sorry this is just a vent since I’m pretty heartbroken
Just a little background, my bf and I have been together for 7 months. He is a divorced father of two young kids. We are currently under shelter in place, but have still been seeing each other twice a week. I work from home so I really don’t go anywhere except to his place. Saturday we were together and I heard him on the phone with his ex wife (he was asking when to pick up the kids), and I heard her say to him that he shouldn’t be having anyone over his place and that he shouldn’t really be seeing anybody right now given what was going on. When he got off the phone he told me what she said, and I didn’t really say anything. Also, he owns a business, which is obviously closed now but he still goes in occasionally by himself to do some catch up work.
So this all started Tuesday, up until then everything was fine. On Tuesday late morning I called my boyfriend, he didn’t answer but called me back about an hour later, then I couldn’t answer because I was on a work call. I called him back 20 minutes later and again he wasn’t picking up, I texted him asking him why he wasn’t picking up, he said he was with his kids and that he tried calling me. I told him ok, and that I was on a work call when he called. In the early evening I texted him asking him he was still with his kids, since we typically see each other on Tuesdays (even though we’ve been more flexible with everything going on right now) he responded saying yes. Now he doesn’t call me when he with his kids, he never ended up calling me that night (which is not out of the ordinary). So I expected that yesterday he would at least call or text in the morning. By 1pm I still hadn’t heard from him, and I was getting concerned so I called him, and there was no answer, I then texted him asking him if he was ok, he responded about 20 minutes later saying he didn’t feel that great, and that he made a promise to his ex wife that he wouldn’t see anybody during this lockdown, otherwise he can’t see his kids. I called him, he picked up and said he had a migraine early in the morning, took a Nyquil and just woke up half hour ago. I asked him why he didn’t call me the night before, and he said he was feeling stressed because he didn’t know how to tell me what his ex said. I responded by saying, “so were you just never going to call me again?” and he responded by saying “no, that’s crazy of course I was going to call you, I was going to call you tonight” I then told him I actually agree with his ex, that it’s getting too dangerous to see anybody right now and that he could’ve told me last night, I am an adult and I would’ve understood. We then had a few minutes of small talk, but I was visibly irritated about the lack of communication, he sounded a little off as well, but I’m not sure if that was from the migraine. He said he was walking into his shop (his business) and that he’d call me back and we hung up. Didn’t hear from him again that day or the next, so Wednesday evening I sent him a text saying I loved him and hoped he was doing ok, never heard back from him.
I just also want to add that this was a man who told me he loved me, and told me he considered us to be serious. We were even discussing me meeting his kids after this pandemic is over. I trusted him and never thought he would ghost just like that.
Just an FYI he’s fine he’s still active on social media.April 8, 2020 at 12:26 pm #788899
I don’t think that’s ghosting, but it certainly sounds frustrating. He’s already said he can’t see you if he wants to see his kids and who knows how long this pandemic will last? Men are great at compartmentalizing. He might just be focusing on his kids right now, and doesn’t want a LDR which is what this has kind of turned into. But it would be helpful if he could communicate this to you.
Whatever is going on with him, don’t reach out again, you’ve done enough, it’s his turn (or no one’s turn). He’s made it clear he’s not on the same page as you right now.
Sorry girlfriend. Hang in there!April 8, 2020 at 12:35 pm #788902
I just felt like not seeing each other didn’t mean we couldn’t talk on the phone or text like we always did. If he’s not ghosting I also don’t see why he couldn’t have responded to the text I sent him with at least an “I love you too”. He was never great at responding to texts but I know a text like that he would’ve responded to.April 8, 2020 at 12:42 pm #788903
Im really sorry but you strike me as a bit of a drama queen. And the last contact was only yesterday, so there is no ghosting.
His wife felt uncomfortable with more people around their kids and he promised to watch that. Thats an important promise and he wasnt sure how you would react. You say you are fine with it but also irritated by now. Give the guy some space instead of expecting communication all day long. You must have a life yourself too right?April 8, 2020 at 12:45 pm #788904
People are emotionally all over the place and acting strange right now. I wouldn’t take anything anyone says or does or doesn’t say or doesn’t do to heart in these times.
Let him reach out to you and find something else to do – got any creative projects you could do?April 8, 2020 at 12:48 pm #788905
Just to clarify this was Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, so it’s been a week.April 8, 2020 at 12:52 pm #788906
I can’t edit my post but just want to clarify, the Saturday I referred to was the March 28th. So I haven’t heard from him in over a week.April 8, 2020 at 12:54 pm #788907
Oh a week. Yeah thats not normal for a 7 month relationship. Not a single text or call? If the ILY was the last you send and he didnt respond than it clearly looks like he is rethinking or pulling back. I would sit back too. Its not the most fun thing to do, but your best option to see if he does reach out again
Take careApril 8, 2020 at 1:05 pm #788909
Yes the ILY text was the last thing I sent I have not reached out to him since then nor do I plan to. I’m just so hurt and disbelief that someone who I was in a relationship with for 7 months who claimed he loved me could disappear just like that without even being considerate enough to officially break it off with me.April 8, 2020 at 1:23 pm #788911
A week ago?? OK, that’s different. Very sorry. You just need to leave him alone. That’s pretty sucky behavior and better you find out now he’s not worth any more of your time.April 8, 2020 at 1:51 pm #788912
Agree with the ladies. I bet you also accommodated by going over to his place rather than him coming over to your’s. His is selfish odd behavior that’s not coming from a place of high esteem. Just a feeling I get that you dodged a bullet.April 8, 2020 at 1:53 pm #788914
Firstly, visitation does not change based on this virus and she has no legal leg to stand on to withhold his children.
Secondly, you are seeing who he really is. Someone who is a coward in how he deals with his ex and you under stress. I would have left him alone more to let him sit with this, but either way, you see what happens when the chips are down. He could easily see you and not tell her. She is not entitled to that info anyhow.
He might come crawling back later. I suggest you tell him you learned all you need to know and unless he is going to a therapist to better learn to deal with stress and communicating through hard topics, you have no interest in anything with him.April 8, 2020 at 3:52 pm #788921
T from NY
I’m so so sorry this happened. It’s truly awful! I absolutely agree it’s ghosting and what a frickin coward!! I am in shock with you that people can be so cruel. He absolutely could have stood up to his wife, made a plan for you to further self quarantine by getting your groceries or running any needful errand for you – so that you are no risk to visit him (that’s what my bf does so that only one of us is out so I can be at home all the time and go see him) Or he could have just asked you to give him a couple of weeks to see how things were going with the virus and keep talking to you, face time chat, watch movies at the same time and have phone dates. Men who want to make it work absolutely do.
I say all that not to upset you – but to bring up what what’s really going on here – He obviously is questioning seeing a future with you if he’s acting like this. He’s either in deep confliction or has made up his mind already and has just chosen the cowards way out not telling you. Even if he was concerned about his ex withholding the kids he could have worked out a plan that included you. He chose not to do that.
It will be THE HARDEST thing you can do – but in order to grieve and heal from this emotional assault (yes I consider it that) you must refocus on you. Find your anger beneath your sadness and remind yourself when you feel the wave of confusion and sadness come over you that this guy just ROYALLY showed you who he is when times get tough. You deserve someone who chooses you. And by that I mean – chooses never to not talk to you and explain to you what’s going on, never leaves you in the dark or runs away or hurts you without the courage to explain to you why. He’s a d-bag and once you mend some, and tend to you some, you’ll look back and be glad you found out his lack of character. I’m so sorry! I believe there are good men out there that would not do this. You did nothing wrong. It will be a minute — but you will be OK.April 8, 2020 at 4:00 pm #788925
Thank you! I agree with everything you said. The hurtful part wasn’t that he promised his ex wife he wouldn’t see me during this, it was that he didn’t even think that maybe we could still talk on the phone or through video chat. It was like well if I can’t see you what’s the point? I thought out relationship was stronger than that, clearly I was wrong. But I guess this was just an excuse to ghost me.
I remember one of the reasons i liked him so much was beside I thought he was open and up front. Imagine that, hah!April 8, 2020 at 4:07 pm #788926
I agree with many points already stated. The current situation is making people anxious and affecting people’s behavior. Even so, it’s shocking that he has not communicated with you for a week, and ignored your ILY message.
There’s nothing you can do but sit back at this point and wait for him to get in touch. But it does say a lot about his character that he’s withdrawn and totally cut off communication in this way. Even if he comes back, if I were you I would think hard about whether this is the kind of man I want to be involved with for the long term. It’s just plain sh*tty to do this to a person.
One point that hasn’t been brought up– you said that you were discussing meeting his kids once the quarantine ends. That’s a huge relationship milestone. It sounds to me like he’s having second thoughts about the whole thing. Perhaps the realization of what it means to have you meet his kids is making him hesitate? Who knows, though.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s an absolutely crappy situation, on top of a situation (the pandemic) that’s scary and anxiety provoking. It sucks that he would pull something like this at this moment in time. It would suck at any time, but especially now, when you should be caring and supportive towards your partner whether or not you can physically see each other.April 8, 2020 at 4:56 pm #788927
Yup, that’s the worst part is that he would do this in the middle of what’s going on right now, and he knew I was having anxiety over it (as I’m sure everyone else is too).
I think he knew he’d have to introduce me to those kids soon and I think he was freaking out about it since his older child wasn’t handling the divorce well or this quarantine. He was only divorced a year and a half and seems I was his first serious relationship since the divorce. He told me if he was divorced for 3 years I would’ve already met his kids, but given that it was only a year and a half he had to figure out how to go about it, plus he was worried about backlash from his ex.
As everyone on her stated, I’m done with him and don’t want to go back to him. I do however hope he would contact me just so I can give him a piece of my mind and tell him where to shove it lol.April 8, 2020 at 5:28 pm #788928
A year and half divorced isn’t long at all, so I suspect you’re on to something. Especially if his older child is struggling to accept the situation. How long was he married? And how old are his kids?
I suspect the stress of the pandemic is just a convenient way for him to avoid having to deal with introducing you to the kids, and dealing with any backlash from his ex. It’s incredibly cowardly on his part. Good for you for seeing the situation for what it is. It hurts, but you’ll heal.April 8, 2020 at 6:28 pm #788929
I do not think this all is so nefarious. I think he meant whatever he said when he said it.
I think he is just melting down and incapable of dealing. You don’t want that and he is showing you who he is!April 8, 2020 at 6:54 pm #788931
I’m sorry he’s acting so badly- I think this is bringing out lots of behavior- almost fast forwarding behavior. My bf became super weird and was afraid me or my kids would give him the virus so about 8 days ago he completely cut off seeing me in a panic. I am definitely having a harder time than he is, but when I shared my feelings he responded and stepped up. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but he rose to the occasion. He was also not interested in face timing or calling, etc. I think I would sit back and wait to see how he responds. These types of situations can be forgiven, it brings out the strong uncomfortable emotions which guys don’t like and try to avoid.April 8, 2020 at 7:05 pm #788932
Tall, I don’t think he’s breaking down, he’s been more active on social media than usual and yesterday he changed his profile pic, which is something he hasn’t done in over a year. That doesn’t seem like a guy who’s having a melt down.April 8, 2020 at 7:08 pm #788933
Liz, he was married for 17 years, his kids are 8 and 10April 8, 2020 at 7:36 pm #788936
If you’ve been dating 7 months that means he was divorced about 2 years ago then? That’s not much time for him to heal, when he’s been married that long. He may just not be ready. 17 years of marriage is a long time. It’s quite possible needs more than 1.5-2 years to be ready for another serious relationship. And introducing his kids to you definitely makes the relationship serious. And on top of that, parenting a 10 year old who is not over the divorce, and trying to navigate the introduction of a new girlfriend to the kids, is a very big deal.
I don’t think there’s anything nefarious or even necessarily conscious about it. He’s backing away and the stress of the pandemic is probably making things worse. Anon makes a good point too that the current situation is bringing out strange, anxious, unusual behavior in everyone. But even so, if he were serious about your relationship and moving things forward, he wouldn’t go totally silent for a week.April 8, 2020 at 8:44 pm #788939
Hey sis I hate thats happening. Unfortunately the same this happened to me at the same time. N I don’t want to sound like I’m insecure, probably am, but are you in the bay? My dude also did n said the same thing to me. And that was also the last time I talk to him. Maybe dogs are all the same. Lol but it doesn’t hurt to ask. Cus I noticed it sounds like the same situationApril 8, 2020 at 10:02 pm #788943
Right out of the gate, your chances of this really going anywhere were slim to none when the man you’re dating is less than 18 months out of a 17 year marriage, he says one of his children is having a hard time with the divorce, his ex is telling him what to do and you’re the first person he’s really dated since the divorce.
Giant waste of time be the first one a guy seriously dates since the break-up of a long relationship. You’re just going to be a transition person. Seen that one over and over. It almost never works out. Think about it. Takes a guy a while to heal plus he hasn’t dated in a long time, is rusty at it and may want to play the field for a while before he gets tied down again.April 8, 2020 at 11:02 pm #788944
I understand what you’re saying but he was playing the field for about 8 or 9 Months before he met me. He told me he had his fun and it was getting old and that he wanted something serious now. I believed him, I was naive