This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 week, 2 days ago.
May 22, 2020 at 7:22 pm #791435
I find myself asking for advice on here. Which usually means I know the answer but want it validated and to air things a bit!
So i went on a few dates with this guy before lockdown happened. We continued to communicate at what i felt was a healthy and chilled out level. We’d text a every few days with him initiating. He isn’t into long text convos so usually he would call me a couple of times a week. I was chilled and it felt like no pressure and just seeing where things went – like dating should feel. I have been doing super well on the whole zero f*&ks thing.
Once the lockdown restrictions were relaxed he asked to meet for a socially distant date. We had a picnic and things went well. He asked to see me again three times during the date. He also said that he had not been sure whether to ask me out because he wasn’t sure i was interested as i never initiated texting. He asked me to initiate more. I said i would.
So on Monday i initiated. We had a brief exchange about meeting up this week and he asked to text me back once his daughter was in bed. I said cool. I then didn’t hear a word from him. I left it as I’m not chasing a man and just waited it out. It got to today and i just accepted he was a flake and deleted his number. I was a bit bummed out as it felt like there was potential but i can’t stand rudeness and I’d noticed he was online a couple of times so it was unlikely that there was some big issue where he couldn’t send a text.
I then get a text this evening saying he is sorry for the delay but things had been hectic. I responded a bit later and whilst i was a bit cool in my response i wasn’t rude or naggy. I just said i was surprised to hear from him given the time since Monday and that busy people can shoot off a quick text but its no big deal, no hard feelings and i hope his difficulty/hectic issues were sorted. His response was:
Thats ok if you’d written me off.
I am not sure about what a man would do but as a person when i am dealing with a health problem with my mom i dont even think about anything else.
I would also expect you to text me and say “hey, all good? Whats happening”
Anyway all good, no hard feelings as well. Hope you and the boys are well.
Have a great weekend.
I don’t really know what to think. My initial response is this is some horse cr*p excuse but then i know his mum has had health issues and I’m now second guessing myself that perhaps i was too harsh to write him off after 5 days being left on read. The thing is, I’m really ok with the no f&*ks until he is your bf thing, it has helped me tremendously to keep my feelings in check and not over invest with men, so deleting him wasn’t about being a bit&h, its just i am not going to chase a guy that doesn’t follow through and that’s left me read. I don’t have the head space for drama or getting all distraught that a man has lost interest. This time last year I’d have upset, wondering what I’ve done wrong and chasing him up. But i learnt that that sort of behaviour and investment in a stranger isn’t healthy and I’ve learnt to not get too drawn in with words. This guy is super charming and i was alert to him potentially being a bit of a future faker.
I don’t know if I’ve gone too far the other way now though – with his comments about asking me to initiate and then in his text saying he would have expected me to check in I’m a bit confused about whether I’m being played or whether i was too harsh on him.
As i typed this he has called twice and left messages to say sorry and that he gets that he should have messaged me but he had no head space. He feels I’ve judged him based on other men and how they behave but that if he goes quiet then thats when i should know there’s a problem and check in but he appreciates we are just getting to know each other.
I don’t know what to think. It such early days.
Opinions welcomed :-)May 22, 2020 at 9:44 pm #791439
Hi SS. Not sure what to tell you. He sounds stressed and busy and distracted. I understand that with the shutdown. People are off their usual game right now. Thing is he seems to be wanting you to act as a girlfriend would-checking on him,initiating most of the contact etc. He is too busy or lazy or not sure what he wants.
He seems to want you on the hook without him giving you the same attention/reciprocation. I would stop initiating. Next time he communicates or complains I would say ” HI Bill,this is a crazy time for everyone and I understand you are busy with related issues. I hope you are well. Once things calm down I would love to hear from you/ meet up again.” Then leave it him to bough out or step up.May 22, 2020 at 11:19 pm #791442
If you like him, I don’t see the problem with saying- hey- no big deal. I hope your mom is ok. Take care and look forward to seeing and talking to you soon.
What he did wasn’t the best, it also wasn’t horrific. I’d give him the benefit of a doubt. Just keep this in the back of your mind as you continue to move forward.May 23, 2020 at 4:50 am #791445
Peggy – regarding wanting gf behaviour that is a really good point and spot on. I couldn’t quite get my head around why i felt a bit cautious and aware of future faking but it makes sense now. Even more so after talking to him last night.
Anon – that’s basically what i did. Kept it light and then he called again.
When we spoke he said he recognised he should have followed up the text but his head was all over and he felt too stressed. I said that personally i would have sent a quick text to say things are difficult but also that I’m not his gf, we don’t know eachother well and i get that texting me wasn’t a priority at the time.
He also said that he felt i judged him harshly based on other mens actions and pointed out that he has been consistent in texting me and calling me so he doesn’t get why i would assume the worst and not have checked in with him.
So, we agreed to just put it behind us and move on. I’m glad we resolved things but i still have it in the back of my mind as a yellow flag.May 23, 2020 at 7:23 am #791446
I do not like that he said he was going to do something, then did not do it and then blamed you for not checking in. Would be red flag, but he is talking you through it, so orange flag.
Him: I am going to text you back later.
Him: 5 days later: you should have assumed there was something wrong and checked in with me
You: No, I should not have. You are a grown man and the likelihood you you got hit by a car is tiny. Any other aggrevation on your end should have a ‘life is crazy, will check in later’
However, you could learn to be softer. Your response to his text could be seen as a total go away. No need to tell someone you wrote them off. You could have just said … what happened, I though you were going to text after you put you kid to bed. Or…. sorry to hear you are stressed, could you text me a heads up next time? Both of those would have gotten the same outcome but less adversarial.
He has to earn you initiating, and so far, he is 0 for 0. You did it and then he blew you off. There were reasons, but it could be seen that way. I say no more than 1 for every 3 in terms of initiating on your end.May 23, 2020 at 10:21 am #791449
Tall – i agree with what you’ve said. Thats what i felt- i should not have had to follow up. But then i guess from his perspective he feels i should have trusted him more bc he has been consistent until this.
I agree i could have been softer and he totally took it as me saying I’m not interested.
We’ve spoken about it and I’m going to keep on seeing him but i guess i am going to stay alert to him perhaps being flaky…May 23, 2020 at 12:04 pm #791450
I guess its settled for now but i would for sure stick with the zero f*cks lol. I have to laugh every time i read it.
I find his responses a but weird and on the accusationary siide. From what i understand he would call you but didnt. And since you never checked again he felt you had to ask if he is ok. And saw in your christal ball his mom was sick. Its a bit of a turn off. But i think you handled it well.May 23, 2020 at 2:32 pm #791451
I would keep an eye out for ‘passive-aggressive’ behavior with this one. You aren’t a mind reader, nor his GF, and its not your job to check in, like a mommy, to see if he’s OK or not. You barely know each other, where it sounds like he may not have a lot of room for a GF if he’s raising a kid and taking care of him mom too.
I would put him on the ‘maybe’ shelf and keep your options open to meeting a better guy who doesn’t forget you exist nor needs you to remind him you exist.