This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Khadija 1 month, 1 week ago.
February 19, 2020 at 8:50 pm #785808
So I met this guy on OkCupid, we had 3 dates and things were going great. We had kissed on the 2nd date and made out (no sex) on the 3rd date.
He had asked me out on Valentine’s Day, but cancelled it on the day itself explaining that he was sick. He was very apologetic about it and said “let’s have our late V Day celebration”. We were supposed to meet at 8a.m. and he texted at 10a.m. to cancel.
The next day, when he said he was feeling better, I told him I was very upset because he didn’t tell me earlier (his mobile was turned off the day before our date, so I couldn’t even contact him) and he replied that he was very sorry and that he had replied late because he thought he might get better and still meet on V Day. I accepted the apology but told him that I am going to go meet my girlfriends because “I need to think about something.” He replied with a thumbs up and agreed to talk later.
When I texted him at night, I realised his phone has been switched off. I was unsurprised about that because I know he turns off his phone at night ever since we started chatting. However, since then, his phone has never been turned on. I know because I tried calling him with my friend’s phone and got the same response that “the customer is unavailable, please try again later.” Hitherto, he has yet to turn on his phone to reply
I have also periodically check his status on OkC and it shows that he has never been online ever since he stopped contacting me, he hasn’t been online. I know he hasn’t blocked me on OkC because if he did our conversation or his profile would disappear.
This is 4th day and I really don’t know what I can do. On one hand, I’m worried because he’s not a local in the country and has no next-of-kin or friends (besides colleagues and a roommate). I’m concerned if something bad has happened. On the other hand, I’m also very hurt that he couldn’t even drop me simple message if he was still sick or busy. To me, it feels like he couldn’t care less about my feelings.
I called his mobile provider who told me his phone was last used on Saturday (the day before he went uncontactable). I even called the public hospitals near his home to check if he was hospitalised. And Ive been checking on updates of who has contacted the coronavirus. Short of contacting the police, I have done almost everything I can to contact him. (I can’t go to his place to check because I don’t know his exact address.)
What do you think I should do? Should I assume that he has ghosted me? Also, if he does contact me again, should I even bother to reply? And if yes, what should I tell him. I don’t wish to lash out at him or seem too needy and scare him away for good, but at the same time I do wish him to know that I’m very upset over behaviour.
Thank you and I appreciate any advice. =)February 19, 2020 at 9:02 pm #785809
Correction: The guy has turned off his mobile phone for 4 days, not 3 days…so today is the 5th day that he has been uncontactable.February 19, 2020 at 10:46 pm #785811
To be honest, your reaction seems over the top. Have you been speaking every day all day before that you would expect him to be in constant contact? I’m asking, because to me, no contact for 5 days with someone that I had 3 dates with, wouldn’t seem that suspicious. I would just assume that he is going to contact me if and when he wants to arrange a date. Especially that he told you he’s ill. You hardly know this man. You have seen him literally 3 times in your whole life. And you’re contacting his phone provider? And local hospitals? He might have lost interest, but not necessarily. Some people really turn off their phones when they want peace and quiet. But as far as you know, his OkCupid profile might be fake and the phone number that you have might be a number that he uses only for dating. (It’s really not a big deal these days to have an extra SIM card. I have two, for example, although not for dating.) If he contacts you again, you might say that you’ve been worried, but please, under no circumstances tell him that you contacted his phone provider, called local hospitals, was checking his OkCupid profile regularly and would have gone to his place if you knew the exact address. You would come across as a stage 5 clinger.February 19, 2020 at 10:49 pm #785812
You sound insane for 3 dates. You stalked him via friends and calling the carrier? Calling hospitals? This is bunny boiler stuff. You sound legitimately unstable emotionally.
When a man cancels a date, you never initiate contact again until he had done the work for several dates. I am sorry to say that he most likely just lost interest. He is not hurt, and if he is, he had family and friends for that. Why? Because you had 3 dates.
And what is the “I need to think about something” passive aggressive bullsh$t? Sorry to call it, but what did you hope for? For him to ask or assume it was him?
Stop chasing men and take them for their actions. His was to cancel Valentine’s Day. Sounds like his nice way out.February 19, 2020 at 11:41 pm #785814
You did what?!February 19, 2020 at 11:57 pm #785817
Had something sort of similar happen to me. We were dating for about 3 months. I knew he always turned his phone off when he went to sleep. I messaged him something at night (after he shut off his phone) and noticed for 2/3 days that it wasn’t delivered (also saw he never logged on to social media, which he was pretty active on normally).
I started panicking, thinking maybe he went to sleep and didn’t wake up (I knew he was taking pain medication for a broken foot, plus he liked to dabble in recreational drugs and would drink too…real winner, I know). I sent a few messages saying I was worried, because I genuinely was. I even messaged saying that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested anymore, I just wanted to know he was alive. Years earlier, my family was having trouble getting in touch with my brother, and it turned out he passed away in his sleep. So the whole thing with this guy disappearing really triggered an intense reaction for me. I didn’t go as far as calling hospitals or anything, but if another day went by, I would have probably messaged one of his siblings.
Long story short, he finally turned his phone back on and messaged me back, saying he just wanted to take a break from the phone for a bit. Looking back, I think he was looking to take a step back from the relationship. Which, whatever, it probably wasn’t meant to be, and in hindsight I regret panicking the way I did. But I’m a human being, and I care about the well being of the people in my life.
As far as your guy, I would assume he has other people in his life that are checking on him and would notice his absence too, so it should be their responsibility to make sure he’s ok. And hopefully he is, and if he does reach out to you, I’d just say glad you’re ok and move on from him. Sounds like he’s terrible at communication, and can just disappear at the drop of a hat.February 20, 2020 at 12:09 am #785819
I agree with everything that’s been said already.
You really need to get some perspective. If anything had happened to him, his roommate would have alerted the police, or his colleagues at work would have notified them that he wasn’t showing up. So he’s not all alone lying helplessly in an alley somewhere– he’s just not that into you. People drop off the radar after 3 dates all the time.
You shouldn’t be “very hurt” that he hasn’t told you he’s sick or busy– he’s probably neither sick nor busy anyway. You should not be this hung up on a guy you’ve had 3 dates with! For all you know he met someone else and is focusing on her now. Internet dating works like that.
and about the phone, who turns off their cell phone?! You said before he went dark on you, he turned his phone off at night, or would have it off during the day. People put their phone on silent mode maybe, but I don’t know anyone who shuts it off for a day. Clearly that’s not his real phone. He must have a separate SIM card or burner-type phone he uses for dating. So you can stop obsessing about that too.February 20, 2020 at 12:13 am #785820
Yeah, his wife/GF/BF found out & has banished his phone to the outer limits of the Universe…February 20, 2020 at 1:07 am #785823
Thanks for all your replies.
Daisy: I’m so sorry to hear that your brother passed away in his sleep. A similar thing had happened to me when my ex was involved in an accident and was severely injured. Plus I mentioned the fact that he isn’t local and doesn’t call home often. Thus I’m genuinely worried.
Shoshannah: Thanks…no I won’t tell him I contacted his phone provider, called local hospitals, was checking his OkCupid profile regularly and would have gone to his place if I knew the exact address. So far the only message I sent is to say I’m really concerned and to please just drop me a message to let me know you’re ok.
Liz Lemon: He’s working from home because his company has a suspect case of the coronavirus. But you’re right, if anything, his roommate would probably have done something.
But you guys are right, I should just forget the guy.February 20, 2020 at 1:22 am #785824
over the top reaction for someone you have met just thrice. either hes married or plain not interested, take your pick.February 20, 2020 at 2:03 am #785825
I stand by everything that has been said, but with the coronavirus case in his workplace I see the worry. The virus has completely messed my plans for months (because of travel bans, long story) and now I am ill and you immediately think the worst, although of course, it’s most likely just a bad cold. That said, his health is not really your problem, Michelle. As others said, even if it is coronavirus, someone closer to him than you would take care of him, his workplace must have arranged appropriate accommodations (and probably tests) if they had a case, too. And unfortunately, with a stranger that you met via online dating, when they go puff and are nowhere to be found, it’s usually that they lost interest or worse (like a wife). In any case, you sent a message, you tried some other things, nothing else you can do now, but move on with your life.February 20, 2020 at 10:29 am #785832
If he does resurface eventually and reach out to you, I would stay away from him. At the bare minimum, as Daisy said, he has demonstrated that he can disappear at the drop of a hat. He obviously has no problem with leaving you wondering. You wouldn’t want to be involved with a guy like that. There is something very “off” and shady about a guy who turns his phone off for days and disappears with no explanation.February 20, 2020 at 10:59 am #785833
My goodness stop all this detective work and move on with your life.
You’ve done too much for someone you only went out with 3 times.
If by some off chance he reaches out don’t go out with him again.
You’re behavior to me just seems a bit obsessive and unhealthy.February 20, 2020 at 11:37 am #785842
I had a story about a friend who saw someone and who was actually hurt in a car accident on the way to a date they had. They had dated before and he had disappeared-ish before.
Some months later, he reached out and asked to see her again. He explained that he had gotten hurt on the way to her house.
She felt badly and like she had overreacted, but you know what, he DISAPPEARED AGAIN a month or so later. So the reality is that there is less than a .00000000001% possibility someone is hurt. So stop making excuses for jerky men.
WHEN MEN CANCEL ON YOU, YOU LOSE THEIR NUMBER UNTIL THEY HAVE EARNED IT TO BE BACK IN YOUR PHONE. THIS GUY NEVER EARNED IT.February 20, 2020 at 9:21 pm #785884
Wow!!! You seriously need to take a dating time out. You are over-the-top and would royally have creeped me the heck out if a dude this to me after only three dates!!!
Dating 101: There is a 99% chance you will not be asked out again on a date if a guy isn’t interested, where most do it with lame excuses such as sick or I’m swamped at work. He was already making excuses and when a man doesn’t step back up in a meaningful way and make it up to you, then he’s not into you enough to continue.
You need to take the HINT that if a man stops calling or responding to you its because he doesn’t want to—that’s your cue to accept he’s no longer interested, bow out graciously, and move on to a guy who does.February 21, 2020 at 8:35 pm #785963
So…said guy finally replied saying he went back to his home country urgently because a family member was sick and it was a terrible week. He wasn’t able to get his phone to work when he was back in his home country.
He apologised twice said he wants to meet and make up for the cancelled V day celebration? I’m very confused by his intentions.
What should I do now? Should I even believe himFebruary 21, 2020 at 8:39 pm #785964
Oh and thank you for all your responses so far. I really appreciated it. I was really willing to give it up (painful as it may be) and then he came back.February 21, 2020 at 9:06 pm #785965
On the bright side; He didn’t have the Coronavirus!February 21, 2020 at 10:36 pm #785968
Girl, I think I would politely decline. You can even tell him you are glad that he is okay.
But I think you will face lots of excuses and emotional uncertainty if you date this guy further. You sound like a caring person, and you deserve someone who cares for you enough to keep you in the loop.February 22, 2020 at 6:38 am #785972
You really think people leave their phone when visiting a sick family member in another country? Or to work? I thought the 2 phones explanation from a few posters here make perfect sense, but you are too guilible at this point. So you probably have to find out the hard wayFebruary 22, 2020 at 7:29 am #785974
Look up “e-tethering” that’s what he’s doing. This is a major clue a smart woman see’s instantly and then drops him like a hot skillet (deletes and stops all contact and communication pronto).February 23, 2020 at 9:56 pm #786062
Honestly the whole thing sounds fishy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a girlfriend/wife and is hiding it, hence the going dark for long periods of time. EVERYONE has their phone on them these days. Going dark for that long is suspicious. I would drop him and move on.February 24, 2020 at 1:22 am #786065
I recently met a guy on a dating app. we shared nos. we live in difrnt cities. so I wasn’t too keen. however he told me he does have an office in my city and comes down every 10 days. anyways he told me he is in my city over the wknd so wld I like to meet? I told him sure and we decided to meet on sunday evening. but he kept dangling it and dint make concrete plans till 12 noon. so I made some other plans and went out for dinner. I left a msg with the guy stating that since he dint revert as promised by 12 noon I have made other plans. so even if he does come to town I cant meet. he then got in touch the next week mid week. telling me he is planning to come down to my city over the coming wknd. and that wld I meet him on sat evening? I told him cool. he then informs me on Friday nite that infact he has no work in my city on sat but that he is coming down just to meet me! that surprised me but I told him fine. he said he will get in touch on sat by 11 am to gv details. he later informed me at 12 noon on sat that he has got stuck in some work and cant come. and that can we meet the coming week ? it was quite irritating. I told him no am sorry am busy the entire next week and also over the weekend. so if he likes he may reconnect the week after with me. and then I deleted his no.
what I am trying to say here is you do meet lot of time wasters on dating sites. and there is really no way of figuring what is true and what is not. so don’t give these people too many chances unless they earn it. and go with your instincts. and yes another thing when you really have no way of verifying their crap, just don’t bother. u really don’t want to take a chance with all kinds of stalkers and lunatics online.February 24, 2020 at 10:48 am #786086
His “excuse” is crazy. He had to leave the country suddenly because of a sick relative? There was no time to shoot you a text before he left to let you know? Then when he was there he couldn’t get his phone to work? What about using wifi to send you a message? Or even a message through OKCupid since you met there? I hope you can see how ridiculous this is.February 24, 2020 at 11:39 am #786088
I’m sorry but, if you agree to this date you’re being foolish.
His excuse was lame, plain and simple.
If you want to end up being Nancy Drew when he disappears again, have at it.