This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by alia 4 months, 1 week ago.
January 9, 2020 at 1:00 am #782436
My bf of 25 is a really great human being and has helped me a lot during my personal difficulties and problems. He stayed with me at my lowest when I was feeling broken, suicidal and trying to get out of a narcissistic relationship. We have been with each other for 2 years. However, his dispute resolution mechanism is very bad. He beats himself when he gets angry, throws things around, drinks madly and engages in a lot of self loathing. I cringe listening to the kinds of things my hero speaks about himself. It kills me from within. He has big self esteem, anger and drinking issues. I just want him to deal with these and I want to be there for him. But it’s only getting worse.January 9, 2020 at 1:12 am #782437
Geez, this guy requires a lot of work. Do you like feeling needed, by some pathetic crybaby?
Does it make you feel all noble and helpful.
Not really a turn on, in my book.January 9, 2020 at 1:21 am #782438
But it is for me because he was there when I was a crybaby. I will feel pathetic if I leave him in a similar situation where he stood up for me..January 9, 2020 at 2:14 am #782439
He should be in Alcoholics Anonymous and you should probably join al anon.January 9, 2020 at 7:27 am #782447
Does he agree he has a problem? If he does not, then you could take the tact of it concern you and it is dysfunctional to a great relationship. But he has to want to change and you mentioned multiple linked, but different problems.
And I am concerned about your codependency. Reading “my hero” in your statement mad me cringe. You are not a savior, and he is not either. You picked yourself up, he needs to do the same.
If he has mentioned wanting work on something, start there, but beware he might still be very touchy.January 9, 2020 at 8:19 am #782451
Is he bi-polar?January 9, 2020 at 9:16 am #782457
Have you talked to him about it calmly at a time he’s not angry?January 9, 2020 at 11:11 am #782462
Tallspicy is right. He HAS to want to change. Otherwise it will only get worse and your sacrifice won’t matter.
He needs therapy, that’s how you can help. And from your history I think you could benefit from some sessions yourself so why not tackle this as a team? Both working for personal development and for improving your relationship.
These being said, remember that he CHOSE to stay by your side at your worst, you didn’t force him. But everybody has a different breaking point. If you can’t take it anymore and it affects your well being then it’s OK to walk away. You’re the only one to decide how much is too much.January 9, 2020 at 12:19 pm #782469
It sounds like you feel indebted to him because he stuck around when things weren’t going well for you.
Remember that was his choice not,yours. Plus, you have picked yourself and gotten yourself to better place.
What exactly is he doing to change his circumstances?
Only he can change.
I’d sit with him and discuss what is going on. If he isn’t willing to get help its time to move on.
And I think you need to seek so me help too, to figure out why you stick around with things as is.January 9, 2020 at 6:04 pm #782500
Above posters are correct. You need to see a counselor for direction on this. He needs help but if he will not go you need to go and get help for yourself.January 13, 2020 at 1:06 am #782729
Gracelyn, his alcoholism is not so bad. If he drinks when he isn’t angry he is fine.January 13, 2020 at 1:12 am #782730
Can you suggest some books I can read to improve our situation of codependency.
Yes he wants to change and doesn’t want to be an alcoholic all his life. He intends to take professional help from April onwards.
Why did the word hero make you cringe? There are some romantics still alive innthe world.
I liked the choice comment you guys made that it was his choice that he stayed when things were bad for me.
He isn’t bipolar.
I would like to wait till April and see if he starts taking professional help. And till then he has promised not to drink when he gets angry as he realised this is harming his body and relationships.January 13, 2020 at 2:34 am #782737
No, you don’t need a book, you need common sense. You were a mess, and he indulges you. Now he’s a mess.
He needs to grow some balls and quit being a weakling.
You need to walk far, far away and have a life. You are wasting your youth in this unhealthy environment.January 13, 2020 at 3:13 am #782740
You sound so hysterical and negative. Stay away from my post.January 13, 2020 at 3:20 am #782741
I am not wasting my life as you say. I am.a corporate lawyer, with my own house and car. Stop yourself before you spread all ove the place.January 13, 2020 at 4:07 am #782743
The word “hero” also made me cringe. As did “he intends to take professional help from April onwards”. Not going to happen.
You have gone from one dysfunctional relationship straight into another. I agree with the other posters. You need help to understand why you pick unhealthy relationships.January 13, 2020 at 8:03 pm #782819
I suggest “codependent no more….” by Melody Beatty. It saved my life as you can’t help an alcoholic if s/he they don’t want it. Al anon is a good a resource so you can see others who have lived with or are living with it but be careful as some get ‘stuck’ and use it as a crutch instead of empowering themselves to which is leaving when its clear the alcoholic doesn’t want to change; that’s your cue to get the heck or they will eventually destroy your self-worth, self-esteem to the point you want to put the car in garage!!! I was there once and will never ever ever ever ever go there again.January 14, 2020 at 1:12 am #782837
GirlNextDoor,it bothers me that he gets violent with himself it makes me think that one day he may become violent towards you!..Please get him some assistance so that you can get to the root of the situation..Maybe he had a rough childhood,has been burned in the past or something..Most importantly dont lose yourself or lose touch with reality trying to save someone else..I’m not saying leave him high & dry but dont drain yourself in the process love..January 14, 2020 at 10:15 am #782863
It is kind of you to stand by him, but why is he waiting until April for help? Is it an insurance thing?
It sounds like he wants to get better.
So when my ex drank, I set a boundary- he had to sleep in a separate room. Maybe you need to set some boundaries for him when he gets angry- ie, if he can’t be calm either you leave or he leaves until he is calm again.
Also, the reality is that a lot of men like weak and troubled women, and can’t handle a successful woman that they can’t “help”. He may be a fixer, and now that you are fixed he is lost.January 18, 2020 at 10:16 pm #783216
Anon, you have suggested a practical solution. I will make sure we make certain boundaries.
He will be taking the help from April onwards because he is going to finish his MBA and start with his job from March onwards and will have the financial means to go ahead with the expenses.January 19, 2020 at 11:50 am #783244
Look into CoDA meetings in your area.