This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Leah 1 month ago.
July 8, 2020 at 9:45 pm #795751
I met this guy who lives in the same complex as me and we hit it off pretty well. We ended up sleeping together pretty fast but it was actually comfortable and god knows I made it convenient. I expressed that I wasn’t interested in FWB, but if thats what he wanted to just let me know so I didnt waste my time etc. He was receptive and seemed very laid back and okay with things. I noticed very early on, he was not a texter, but instead he would call me every 2-3 days, after hanging out. He also was very hard to read in terms of emotions. We never spoke about exes, relationships, and I never brought it up. I was laid back, chill, and drama free, and the sex was good (every guy’s dream. I started to become frustrated with the lack of texting and the lack of knowing where this guy was headed and if he even really liked me in a serious way, BUT I kept my cool and did not have any talks or question him. Instead I’d text my girlfriends and it would end with “lets give him about 2 months before making any judgments” Ok, sounds fair. Maybe I was prematurely seeking “what are we” answers and we know men love that sh*t lol. He seemed to go along with whatever I wanted to do, he would come over even on no sex nights, he even did some fixing in my apt! I invited him to a little soiree at my best friend’s house (whom he met before and it was all normal), and T (my bff), had started drinking at 10am already for this pool party. Long story short, by the time he arrived, most people there were half drunk and by around 6pm it was blackout city. I wasn’t AS wasted but I was into my vodka and I was already getting a little emotional since booze amplifies feelings. I guess I had that tension about wanting to know how he feels about me stirring in my head for the last month, and I have been on SUCH good behavior about it that maybe I just exploded…But I didnt act alone. My bff got trashed and crossed a boundary. She was loose and inappropriate in his direction, and frankly I don’t think she had any idea who he even was at that point, but I saw everything. Now, HE did not reciprocate any flirting and I doubt he gave a damn, he also wasn’t fighting it off though. I tried to reason with her and she was not even coherent about it and we started yelling at each other. Then, I turned on HIM and everything came out. I mean, all my secret thoughts that I never asked or all the things I wanted to say to him about his lack of communication or emotion (although when we were in person everything was great), it all came out, I don’t remember what I said but I was SO angry that my bff and this guy, even though they weren’t technically doing anything sexual, would make me feel this awkward and worse, NOT understand why I was even upset. Yes, I got jealous. She’s very attractive, and sure, so am I, but in that moment, after pent up emotions, after being excited over him attending this party, and then not giving me the attention I felt like I deserved, I probably inflated the situation a bit and went off on him. I recall he called me a crazy B at one point. Now, cut to the next day. My friend was mortified and had no idea what happened. I also know deep down, she’s not that girl, and she actually was my biggest supporter with this guy, so we managed to get passed her very weird, drunk and inappropriate nonsense. I also went up to him that hungover morning (we were all waking up in her house), and said “I was very emotional and my anger was a bit misdirected, my main issue was not with you but with her and her actions. Thats all” And he was like ok. He offered to give me a ride back to our complex and I asked him to bring an item i had left at his house, he said okay. There was once again, zero emotion, not good not bad. NEUTRAL. No text or call to say hi or how are you feeling or ANYTHING like I’m sorry for calling you a B. I woke up next morning and saw my item was left in my back yard. He just left it there….Like, no communication. I mean, is this guy trying to avoid me altogether now? I have not and will not reach out to him. But I think, after a month of hanging out, meeting each others friends and we’re both 30, a text or a call after that night would be expected!! Its been 3 days now and nothing. Oh, but does he see my Snap and IG stories? You bet he does. I need a guy’s perspective. Is this guy being normal? Am I acting irrationally? Do you think he will even reach out again after one weird blow out? Keep in mind again, I have not been the clingy type ever. I just…exploded drunkenly.July 8, 2020 at 11:51 pm #795756
T from NY
You have some temerity to describe how you lost your cool due too much drink and you’re here asking should he be contacting you? Like what?
Please believe – I love wine. I’ve had evenings when it tastes better than usual and that’s led to not holding my tongue and I had regret for things I’d said. But to emotionally explode, as well as emotionally displace feelings onto someone else is just never acceptable unless someone has just died, you’re having a mental breakdown or some other valid emotional emergency. Otherwise it’s just abusing alcohol, not having dignity and being completely immature. It looks like this guy high-tailed it out of dramaville and no one could blame him.
I encourage you to own your nonsense, freely forgive yourself, apologize sincerely to the dude only if the opportunity presents itself and then leave the poor fella alone.July 9, 2020 at 9:11 am #795777
Your first problem is that you are trying to rush his feelings, to match yours, and that is never a good strategy to use with men, or people in general. When you really like a guy, then add *sex* into the mix, for women, its a pressure cooker of *feel good* hormones surging through your body, clouding your mind, making you overly emotional, and eventually explode (the crazy comes out) because you are no longer able to suppress it.
Men don’t get or feel these hormonal surges the way woman do, and have no idea what it feels like, because women secrete the same hormones during sex that they secrete during childbirth which is what bonds them to not only their newborn child but mate (man) as well—its very potent stuff that men do not experience or feel at all because they aren’t capable of giving birth. Because they don’t experience sex the way woman do, this is why men can easily have sex, with a different woman, every day of the week, and never develop any emotional feelings, bond or attachment to them. This is what trips so many woman up today because they believe men feel the same way woman do during/after sex, and why woman are failing so horribly today.
This is one of the biggest differences that sets men, and woman apart, and why sex can really muck things up if you are not in control of your emotions. Men fall in love *outside of the bedroom/sheets*, by engaging in non-sexual activities, to the point the lady consumes his mind, and the thought of her not becoming a part of his life would be painful or unbearable. That’s when you know a man is, or has, fallen in love with you because he won’t let a day go by without telling you how he feels, and is compelled to be around you as much as he can, without you needing to do anything but be your natural self. Pretending to be someone your not for the sole purpose of manipulating a guy into something, such as a relationship, is not a good long-term strategy but the pathway to a short-term windstorm.
These types of incidents are only recoverable IF the man has created a strong enough *emotional bond* (aka “love”) to the woman, that he is able to forgive, forget, and the two of you can move on from it without ever talking about it, or bringing it up again. The best way out of these situations is to apologize ONCE, then leave the guy alone so he can have the space/room to decide if he want’s to re-engage with you again, or not. If he really misses you (can’t get you out of or off his mind), then you have a small shot at recovery, as long as you don’t talk about it ever again, able to let it go, and stop any further attempts at trying to push him into having feelings that he doesn’t feel for you, or hasn’t felt yet. If he does accept your apology, I highly suggest you stay out of the sheets with him, and just get to know each other outside of the bedroom for awhile (month or two), and only when you have clarity on his true feelings, as a man will tell you, if you listen, before you enter the sexual territory again. If its just “a friendship”, as he will say that if that’s how he truly feels about you, then do not sleep with him again!
If he can’t get that bad experience out of his mind, then its unrecoverable. Because of your living situation he *may* try to make nice so there’s no neighbor drama but he will create a lot of distance with you, draw a boundary, and at that point you’ll know you crossed the unrecoverable line with him. At this point your ONLY step is to take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach with him, so you can move on with your life with someone else when the next guy, who’s hopefully smitten with you more than you are him, comes along.July 9, 2020 at 9:20 am #795779
I’m a bit confused that you said no fwb after you already had sex and then went on to havecwhat appears at best to be a casual relationship and realistically a fwb relationship.
This man isn’t your bf. You haven’t extracted any commitment from him from what you have said so having the high expectations of him that you do is a bit baffling for me … so i imagine it is for him too.
Regarding your drunken blow up – it happens. It sounds like everyone got very messy and the situation got out of hand. The problem is that in trying to be “cool girl” and chill about the lack of commitment from this guy, you stopped being true to yourself and you hid your true intentions. In your head a certain behaviour is expected from this guy. You clearly saw the relationship as something and were invested. He wasn’t on the same page. This is what happens when you play cool girl when you are not feeling chill or relaxed about things at all. This is a YOU problem. You created the mess by hiding your true intentions and sending mixed messages. You said no fwb but then went on to be a fwb since he never made any commitment to you and you continued to have sex. I see what you were trying to do by not being clingy or demanding but firstly men can feel that vibe, no matter what words you say and secondly, because you didn’t genuinely feel the way you were trying to project you got caught up in your head and created a reality that wasn’t there and then let your feelings vomit all over the shop once alcohol lessened your restraint.
Your behaviour towards him was a huge turn off and he clearly was not feeling up for talking about it because in his view you acted crazy – like a really angry gf when you are not his gf you are just someone he enjoyed hanging out with and having sex with. He didn’t use you, he took what was on offer as it seemed like a sweet deal but once you blew up and there became drama the deal soured and he is now dust.
I’d let this one go and chalk it up to experience.July 9, 2020 at 9:24 am #795781
Number one, please try to write in paragraphs. It does wonders for those trying to read through what you wrote.
Number two, why are you two even following each other on social media? You’ve only seen this guy a month. I’ll never understand women or men who want to have access to someone’s social media so quickly. It’s like a halfa** way of getting to know someone and also gives them a peek into your world before they’ve even earned it.
Number three, I agree with T from NY, the guy wants out of dramaville and who could blame him. A woman who can’t handle her liquor and doesn’t know her limits isn’t attractive. Plus, if he wanted more from you he would pursue that on his own which he hasn’t.
Leave the guy alone, it sounds like you were just a convenient lay for him anyway since you lived near him and he didn’t have to do any work to get you in bed.July 9, 2020 at 9:49 am #795783
I agree that you should write this one off. Chalk it up to a learning experience. You made every mistake in the book by giving this guy fast, easy access to sex without having to work for it, with no conversation about relationships or exclusivity. Being the chill, drama free, cool girl gets you nowhere. A guy who sees you as relationship material will respect you for having boundaries. I don’t think this guy ever saw you as girlfriend material, sorry. Otherwise he would have tried harder to impress you, like by taking you out on an actual date, for example. You were just there, and easy to get along with, and gave it up fast, so why would he turn that down?
The drunken, explosive confrontation you had with him sounds like a nightmare. I feel bad for the guy. But that’s 100% on you. You need to own it. It shows a lack of maturity and self-control. The guy took what he was offered, you never raised any questions or showed any boundaries, and then you totally lose it while drinking. None of that is his fault.
So to answer your questions: This guy’s reaction (avoiding you) is normal. Yes, you are/were acting irrationally. I doubt he will reach out again, but I would advise you to leave him totally alone and let him decide if he wants to reach out or not.
Oh, and reading your Snapchat and IG stories means nothing. Social media means nothing if the guy is not reaching out to you personally. Maybe he’s just nosy or bored. I know when I read IG stories, they automatically change every 15 seconds or so, so sometimes I see people’s stories I had no intention of seeing. For all you know he’s streaming everyone’s stories and yours just happens to be in the mix. So I wouldn’t read anything into that.July 9, 2020 at 2:11 pm #795796
Never again sleep with a man before you are committed, you clearly cannot manage that.
you got wasted
You yelled at him
You had friend drama
You were jealous
This is a whole host of issues each on their own.
each these is enough to derail a burgeoning relationship.
I suggest you let it go.July 9, 2020 at 3:24 pm #795804
Thanks for all of your replies. I agree with most of what was said. At this point, my only question is: should I even bother reaching out to say “I’m sorry about things escalating last week”. Or, do I just drop off?July 9, 2020 at 4:01 pm #795808
Most of us have said to leave the guy alone. You already told him the next morning that you were emotional and your anger was misdirected.
If you bring it up again, he’s going to be like “wow this girl doesn’t know how to drop things” at least that’s what I’d think.
Give the guy space and if he wants to talk he will reach out to you. Leave him be until that happens.July 9, 2020 at 4:07 pm #795809
Leah, I’m sorry you are going through this.
Anyways, the way you write and describe it I feel like my friend would do it, I think we are the same kind :)
What happened, happened, everybody makes mistakes, don’t beat yourself up for it.July 9, 2020 at 6:14 pm #795826
Thank you all again for reading all this and replying.
This is the latest: He texted me about 3 hours ago and said “I left your speaker on the patio. Did you get it?”
I replied: “I did, thanks. I’m sorry things escalated last week, it was a bit of a blur andI handled it poorly.”
That was about 3 hours ago. I am not sure if he will reach out at all, but, I took responsibility for my part and I hope it was a decent enough way to leave it off. I don’t reach out again of course. But just wanted to keep you guys informed. You’re like my team now lol.July 9, 2020 at 7:47 pm #795830
I read some good advice here on how you went wrong about this from the start, feeling you could sex him into a relationship sticking your head in the sand. Thats the important part to take from this. You really need to change your dating style. And this guy. Ah Well he will blib away even living close byJuly 9, 2020 at 8:22 pm #795837
You did good with your response if that’s what you said to him. Now leave it be and live your life. If he wants more from you he will pursue you.
You can always come back here for advice if he reaches back out.
For what it’s worth, I’ve made idiot mistakes too. We all have. I’ve learned to let guys go who didn’t earn me. It’s hard but it’s better than losing your power and dignity. You can do this, you deserve to be loved and pursued. The right guy will do those things.July 9, 2020 at 11:55 pm #795846
I know I dropped the ball with my reaction and emotions, and I should have been more direct about my intentions. Lesson there is crystal clear. With that said, I’m still left with a sight icky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes I am relieved that he texted and that I was able to reply with a sincere apology. But now I’m feeling anxious and upset about possibly never hearing from him again. I guess I liked him quite a bit. And I keep wondering, if I had texted something light hearted after saying I’m sorry and maybe asked him a question about his day, would it have gotten me anywhere different? Or will men usually text or call you regardless of details like that…? if they want to see you that is.July 10, 2020 at 6:37 am #795879
Honey, you should assume any man who is not your boyfriend is never going to call again, At any point. that way you are pleased when they do.
You need to stop with this guy and work on your drinking, jealousy, friend drama and how you express your needs. You have a lot of emotional work to do for you. Let this guy go.
I doubt you will hear from him. You made a mistake, focus on forgiving you. He was not texting to chat, he did not engage. He was being polite and returned your things. He never intended to have a conversation and you could not Jedi mind trip him into one.July 10, 2020 at 6:38 am #795880
Yes, if they want to see you, they keep the conversation going.July 10, 2020 at 7:41 am #795886
Leah, why did you have to bring it up? When you do this, all you’re doing is reminding him of that bad event, again. I saw no apology nor taking any ownership for your bad behavior in that reply, whereas you would have better off saying “I did, thank you. Hope you are having a nice evening.” You should have owned it from the get go by telling him the next day “I want to apologize for my bad behavior last night. I’m truly sorry, and hope you will forgive me.” THE END. Then left him alone, and never brought it up again.
Rehashing it or beating a dead horse is a foolhardy exercise as *the goal* is to get them to forget the bad experience. You do this by being upbeat and positive, so to start the process of erasing or overriding a negative so they see you in a positive light again (no drama), which is the objective.
Just let it go. He may eventually talk to you, at least at a neighbor/friendship level, if he feels you aren’t going to keep reminding him of that night. Just be upbeat and pleasant from hereon, so you can at least, at a minimum, try to remove any awkwardness due to the fact you live so close to one another. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to him the next time you bump into, see or talk to him again.July 10, 2020 at 12:39 pm #795918
I agree partially…July 10, 2020 at 12:47 pm #795921
I sincerely felt that apologizing was the best way to go about this after he texted me. I was not groveling or annoying him at all. Did I consider the possibility of my bringing up a negative event leaving a blemish is his mind associated with me? Yeah totally!
But if he had or has ANY feelings left for me, he will possibly still reach out down the line. But, if he barely cared anyway and had zero investment then I highly doubt that my apologizing in a text vs telling him I hope his day is going well, will change his mind about me as a partner. I was also reading much of the advise on here and most of these lovely people were in fact suggesting an apology WAS appropriate. The only reason I waited until he texted me to do so, was because I wanted to give him space and time before bringing it up. And frankly, if I had not heard from him within the week, I would have reached out and said the same thing.
I know exactly what you mean about beating a dead horse. My only intention was to do my part, and leave it alone. I feel like I did the best I could.