This topic contains 50 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by KSS 1 month ago.
December 10, 2019 at 7:43 pm #780292
So just needed a little advice,
I’m an Indian girl who comes from a traditional Indian family whereby arranged marriage happens and which I’m completely okay with.
I met the male version of me online. He was perfect but also a considerably a lot older than me and who was a very successful business man. This guy from the moment we started speaking was so adamant and straight to the point about families being involved and how he was going to meet my family and how they would love him. I hadn’t really taken him seriously and just thought he was funny so i carried on speaking to him .. a few days in he asks me what I wanted and I told him i wanted my parents to be involved and for his so they can okay things beforehand. In Indian culture it is a very big thing to get parents involved in relationships and he did exactly that. He also stated that he didn’t want to wait to get married and wanted to be married within in the next 2-3 months. Which is what I wanted too.
However, I may sound a little childish here but he wasn’t very good with texting and that was the only form of communication we had, he wouldn’t call me so we just spoke over text. However I would see that he would message me perfectly normal and then would go silent but was using social media? So I asked him about this and said he was sorry and explained due to the Christmas period he was extremely busy as he was going abroad twice in two weeks and I did my best to understand So I let it go.
So our mums spoke and agreed that we should let the two “kids” meet. Which we did and even in person we got on like a house of fire and he confirmed this by arranging for our families to meet and even discussing plans for the following week to make it official and get engaged he also asked if me He could meet my brother (again a huge thing in Indian culture). Which too went great and again made a point of inviting all of our family to his house.
When we got back we carried on like normal until the next day he texted me normally in the morning and then didn’t hear anything from him until the following morning and again went quiet. This time I had enough and told him I’m putting a hold on things until I’m priority and he doesn’t reply. So I messaged him a few times and still no reply .. so I remove him from social media and delete his number. however the mum got in contact and confirmed his busy schedule and also said that he doesn’t even get time speak to her and they also spoke about things and family issues that you wouldn’t share with someone you haven’t met .. so I messaged him again apologising of how I acted and if he wants to talk I’m here but it’s been a week now and I’ve still not heard anything .. have I been ghosted?December 10, 2019 at 9:04 pm #780294
If you haven’t been ghosted, you’ve at the very least put in your place. He told you he’s busy, OK fair enough… but he’s putting you on notice by his behavior exactly where you fall in the pecking order of things in his life. If you’re not OK with it, then this is the time to politely break it off, just say that clearly you both have different ways of operating and you can’t tolerate being ignored for long periods even if he is busy. If it’s true that he doesn’t even talk to his mother when he’s this busy then he won’t change and he’s just not the guy for you.December 10, 2019 at 10:07 pm #780297
Marriage is too much of a big thing to play the way he acted. You just dodged a HUGE bullet, he’s been disrepectful not only to you but to your FAMILY also ; is it the kind of man you want to end up with ?? . ANOTHER IMPORTANT POINT : You’ve been TOO CLINGY and have acted DESPERATE by calling, texting him so many times without any reply . Even if he should definitely be the one apologising, YOU TOO HAVE SHOWN FEAR of losing him and neediness ! Learn to be a woman of value my dear, men value more what they’ve been CHASING . Also if he comes back, make him sweat for months before accepting him back, if you still want him , cause he may have been freaked out by the seriousness of the happenings . Although I’d prefer you NEVER take him back . Good luck !December 10, 2019 at 10:58 pm #780304
I don’t think your cut out for busy professional men. A man’s purpose in life is very different than a woman’s. Men, like him, put their career’s first. Women, like yourself, put relationships first. Two competing interests that aren’t in alignment and already causing issues because you are set on your interests and he is set in his.
Do I think its rude to not at least reach out. Hell yes! However, on the flip side if I KNOW a man is very busy and he tells me this beforehand then I don’t get all upset, respect his need to tackle his mission and conduct the business he needs to conduct and do my thing until he comes up for air reaches out.
The problem is you don’t know each other well enough to know this and why its causing all this upset, which most likely, by the sound of his mother, will be an ongoing issue as he puts his work life (career) above his romantic life (relationships) and that will be the pecking order for any woman who does decide to marry a very busy professional man—the bonus is they don’t have to worry about money and usually spend it as compensation for their absence.December 11, 2019 at 9:47 am #780322
Replying to LANE : In this era, reaching out takes 10 seconds in a whole busy day . She’s clearly NOT SOMEONE HE VALUES . And having his mother justify his actions is ANOTHER RED FLAG . I’d strongly recommend the lady to RUN while it’s still time !! believe people’s actions and not the excuses you’re trying to give them . Been there …December 11, 2019 at 5:58 pm #780383
Thank you for your advice everyone I realised where I was wrong and I hope he realises where he’s wrong and comes back .. am I wrong to still have hope that he is going to come back?December 11, 2019 at 6:10 pm #780387
What you want is for him to come back AND BE DIFFERENT. This isn’t going to happen. If he does come back he will still be “too busy” to give you the attention you want.
I disagree with some of the earlier posters. If a man is keen on a woman he finds the time to contact her regularly, even if it’s just a quick call or message, no matter how busy he is. My guess is after meeting you he doesn’t feel enough attraction. That’s no reflection on you at all. I’m sure there are many men who would feel passionately about you and shower you with attention, and if you settle for less you will be miserable. Some women can cope with distant men but you’re obviously not one of them.December 11, 2019 at 6:43 pm #780389
Thank you for your opinion Jo
When we had met before I was about to he made plans for our families to meet and then spoke about being officially engaged the week after. He was the one who also suggested he meet my brother so he can invite him properly and that’s what is messing with my head .. everything was so positive he wasn’t acting different after he met me he was still sending me memes about ”being your girl”.December 11, 2019 at 7:12 pm #780393
Just how much older is he? How old are you, and how old is he?December 11, 2019 at 7:26 pm #780394
Chippy-He’s 34 and I’m 25December 11, 2019 at 9:00 pm #780403
Cora, this is where I disagree with you. Just because you have 24/7 access doesn’t mean you HAVE TO have 24/7 access!!!
I grew up in an era where we didn’t have access. I could go WEEKS without hearing from my husband who was in “hot zones” while in the military and I *respected* his need to tackle his mission and trust me, when we finally spoke or he came home it was like having a honeymoon over and over and over again!
So I disagree with you as men fall and stay in love in a woman’s ABSENCE, something this generation has no clue or understanding about because they can’t spend 5 minutes without looking at their gadget as if the sky will fall if someone doesn’t respond in 2.5 seconds.December 11, 2019 at 11:18 pm #780422
I’m not going to judge whether this guy is suitable for you or not. I don’t have enough information. And I’m not from your culture. Arranged marriages come with a whole different set of rules I”m not going to even attempt to understand, I’ve got no basis. I wouldn’t want one. But you’re OK with it. So…
If you really want him back. go talk to his mother. This needs to be smoothed over, both of you made mistakes. if she can sort this out then you two just need to establish the ground rules for contact in his busy periods.December 11, 2019 at 11:43 pm #780425
Find someone your own age. Someone who wants an equal. Quit grieving, you would have been his little slave.December 12, 2019 at 8:43 am #780438
Ghosting someone you are in a relationship with is 100% a character flaw of the ghoster. If someone is too afraid to communicate openly and honestly with a person they are involved with, they need some help. So no, it is not your fault the guy chose to break up with you in the rudest and most disrespectful of ways.
It’s probably partially your “fault” that he broke up. It sounds like you want a guy who can pay more attention to you than he is willing to do. I would say the break up was nobody’s fault, just incompatibility. You could have accepted his distance, but if it would have made you unhappy, you would not exactly be doing yourself a favor.
Lastly, Lane is an exception for a woman. Given the choice, few women would be strong enough to be a military wife- most men and women choose to be in relationships because they want someone there for them and to share life with. Most men probably do not want to be out of touch for months on end with their spouse.December 12, 2019 at 9:20 am #780441
Anon, I agree it takes a high level of independence to be a certain wife based on the profession of the husband, or visa versa. Those, like myself are able to understand there are restrictions and/or conditions associated with certain types of careers and work with them accordingly.
However, I still believe this constant 24/7 ease of contact is destroying more relationships than its helping. We all need BREAKS from each other. No differently than you need a break from work, break from visitors, breaks from family, and even breaks from your kids when you’ve been around them too much.
I don’t know why its so darn hard for women to give someone a guy a few days off, especially if they are travelling, spending time with family, or engaging in a guy’s only weekend??? Seriously, are they so bored and have absolutely nothing to do than to poke, prod, talk or chat with an SO about your daily boring mundane life?December 12, 2019 at 9:55 am #780444
I dunno, I think that initially in a relationship, once you are talking engagement, you should be enthusiastic enough about your potential spouse to engage with them daily, or at least not be annoyed by your girlfriend wanting to talk every day to the point that you ghost.
To me, a guy who wants to marry a woman and have a family needs to want to be involved with them daily. I would not want kids with someone who needed “space” and to be left alone for days on end. That’s called a bad parent.
My ex worked out of town, and we talked every day, once a day. HE liked it. He called. So there are men who do not want a bunch of space.December 12, 2019 at 1:28 pm #780453
I don’t think 24/7 contact in a relationship is necessary (or healthy), but there’s a wide spectrum of contact. It’s not like you only have 2 choices, either being in touch 24/7, or not communicating for weeks. You can communicate with your partner daily and not have it be onerous or overwhelming.
It’s not too much to expect your boyfriend/fiance to respond to your texts in a timely manner, and/or communicate and let you know that he will be out of contact for X amount of time. And the OP sent him a message apologizing and asking to talk, and he has not replied for a week- that’s unacceptable.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the OP wanting clear communication from her boyfriend/fiance. Or, if he will be out of contact for some reason (a guys weekend, a work trip), to let her know and keep her updated. I wouldn’t want to be with a man (much less engaged to a man) who found our relationship so taxing he could not regularly engage with me (even if it were just via text).
But, that’s just me. Different strokes for different folks. In this case I do think it’s just incompatibility. I’m sure there are some women who wouldn’t be fazed by having a partner that they didn’t interact with for extended periods of time. It sounds like this guy needs to find one of those women.December 13, 2019 at 11:04 am #780525
I’m not from the India culture, but I was also raised in a culture with similar values. I’ve never experienced what you are experiencing, but my sister did (not exactly the same story as yours, but similar). The guy started to get cold feet when the family meeting for marriage was about to happen. He was very disrespectful towards my sister and he went silent for 2 weeks on her. He was expecting her to reach out while he was the one to insult her over the phone (lol). In our culture, the man should be the first to step up and reach to his woman if there’s an issue, ESPECIALLY if he’s about to marry her. Oh and guess what he was doing while going silent on her? Downloading dating apps and hitting on other girls. My sister broke up with him and she dodged a HUGE bullet. He showed his true colors.
Your guy is purposely ignoring you knowing how his distance makes you feel. He isn’t considerate of you. It’s your right to expect him to be here in what’s supposed to be a happy moment of your life. As someone else said: not only he’s disrespecting you, but he’s also disrespecting your whole family. I don’t know if in India the girl’s family is the one who’s supposed to receive the guy’s family for gatherings (for all that concerns marriage), but in my culture it’s like that. While my sister’s ex was silent on her (2 weeks before the event btw), my mother was putting efforts into cleaning the house and making cakes for the event. All that not knowing if the guy and his family would show up. I’m still mad at them for that: for putting my mom in that situation.
Anyways. I do believe that he isn’t the one for you considering everything you told about him. He probably had a lot of pressure from his own family for that marriage thing (at 30 something, men start to get pressure from their mom to settle down and get married). From what I know, men HATE when they feel pressured to do something and they tend to run away from it.
In my opinion, you did nothing wrong in your circumstances (even though I wouldn’t encourage any woman to send multiple texts to a guy who’s ignoring her). I would suggest to back off, to not send anything anymore and to not reach out to his mother. Let him go if that’s what he wants. He’ll probably come back to you and at that point, if I were you, I wouldn’t take him back. I would explain that you’re looking for someone you can rely on in moments like this in your life. The truth is that he won’t change and you might drop him now than in a few years while your pregnant, needs him and he’s ignoring you and away from you.December 13, 2019 at 2:02 pm #780546
There is a big difference between being deployed in a war zone and having long days in the office. My husband was very busy when we met, as was I, and we also both travelled a lot with our careers. He would call me when he was queueing for his lunch, or waiting for a train, or before he went to sleep foregoing 10 minutes of his sleep for 10 minutes talking to me, or get up 10 minutes earlier depending on time zones, or when he was eating one of his meals, or if he was 5 minutes early for a meeting. There is no-one in the world who is too busy to make a few minutes for something that is a priority.December 13, 2019 at 5:43 pm #780561
Tbh looking back at this situation with a calm view I’ve realised where I was wrong. Even though he wasn’t constantly texting me he would message me on different social media platforms so he did make an effort but in different ways not known to me.
I don’t know what to do now as I genuinely believed this guy was the one for me. I don’t think he had cold feet because he was the one who suggested the families meeting and the engagement I never once insinuated he even told me he wanted to be married by February.
I’m so confused :(December 13, 2019 at 11:44 pm #781054
I believe you were in the wrong a little bit. The fact that he went through everything to have your families meet should give you enough to trust him if he doesn’t respond to you right away. He’s obviously a successful businessman. If you cant allow him to have his business as an equal priority then you aren’t mature enough to have him.December 14, 2019 at 10:17 am #781075
Brava Lane you are hitting a home run with every post in this thread! I to agree that instant around the clock contact has destroyed many promising relationships.
Many men wonder when they receive a text from a woman ‘why is she telling me this? It is as if she has a compulsion to tell me every single thought in her head!’
Men don’t bond through words,a woman can chat with a man for hours only to find it meant little or nothing to him. Men bond through shared activities. A woman who texts too often or demands very quick responses will either come across as endlessly needy or a prize winning bore and probably both.December 14, 2019 at 10:27 am #781077
Now you add a missing bit that he was contacting on other formats, but not text? That was a large piece of information to leave out. How were they not known to you? Did you not recieve them? Or did you not like them?December 14, 2019 at 3:04 pm #781087
Honestly I thought I deserved better and thought he was using being busy as an excuse until my mum spoke to his. But after reading everyone’s advice I’ve realised exactly how much I messed up. I can’t have my cake and eat it just as if I want A successful man I need to understand his business comes first.
I’ve fcked up but how do I get him back if he hadn’t answered my texts before? Do I leave it? Do I wait for him to come back? I’m so confused..please helpDecember 14, 2019 at 3:24 pm #781089
Have you tried calling?