Ghosted and confused

I know I should be angry but all I can do is sit here and cry and keep thinking about it. Was this my fault? I feel like he’s already moved on and I can’t function, at all. Went from all the time contact to nothing.

Hurt,

Let me start off by saying I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it is an awful feeling when people don’t meet our expectations or suddenly go cold out of no where. What I will say, and trust me, I’ve been in your shoes too many times to count and it took me forever to realize myself, is that this has nothing to do with you. This man is inconsistent and clearly isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If this is how he is acting after 3 months, imagine what a long term relationship would look like. Extremely one-side and more months of unhappiness.

I know it’s hard now, but he did you a favor. I’ll be the cliche person who gives you the famous quote of “when someone shows your who you are, believe them”. His actions are more than clear of who is he is. There are also 3 possibilities which are 1) he isn’t willing to put in the work of maintaining you 2) he isn’t an honest person who is willing to communicate how he feels because he ghosted you instead of telling you what’s going on and 3) he may just not be interested but again, he is too much of a coward to admit it.

All of those things alone are enough for you to drop him from your life and mind and keep going until you meet someone who shows you they are worth it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. This is the danger of too much communication before you actually meet someone in person. You create a fantasy bond. I don’t mean to be cruel, but what you felt you had with him was not real. It was a projection of yours and his fantasies. That’s obvious from the way he treated you in real life. When it was all just a virtual fantasy, everything was perfect; but as soon as it became real, it crashed and burned. You said yourself, from the moment you two first met, he was distant and impersonal. Because his online persona is not who he really is. It happens all the time, it’s happened to me in the past as well.

Please don’t personalize this. There’s nothing wrong with you. I know he feels like he rejected you, but he doesn’t even know you. There are lots of people out there (both men and women) who like the idea or fantasy of a relationship, but are incapable of actually having a real in-person relationship. We have no idea what this guy’s issues are, but you mention that he’s on medication, suffers from anxiety, has struggled with family issues (his parents’ divorce)– it’s possible that he just might not be emotionally capable of a “real life” relationship at this point in his life, so indulged in fantasy with you, only to shut down when it became real. Again, we don’t know, so this is just a suggestion. The point is, it’s not about you. Please don’t project or try to figure out what his insecurities are. There’s no way to know. It’s hard, but please try to pick up the pieces and just move forward. You deserve better treatment than this.

In the future, I would suggest NOT getting super emotionally attached to guys you have not met. I know it’s hard with Covid and not being able to meet people in person, but you are setting yourself up for heartbreak if you do that.

i think what you guys had was just a virtual relationship. not a real one. from what you have described it comes across that he started acting distant from the moment you guys met.maybe he dint feel as attracted to you in person or maybe he is one of those who is awkward and just prefers an online unreal relation. can understand your hurt and confusion but there is nothing you can do but let this go and move on. treat this as a lesson learnt the hard way. till you meet the person in person, its all just virtual, unreal. and you should never forget that. don’t put all your eggs in one basket and don’t get carried away based on just online interaction.

stop with the constant messaging and trying to get him to behave the way he did early on. maybe he got scared and backed off when things became real due to his insecurities or maybe he changed his mind or maybe he dint feel the same when he met in person. you don’t know.. go silent and stop all your attempts to connect with him. let this go. it wasnt real.

The underlying problem is what you don’t understand about men is that they *connect* wholly opposite of how women do. Within nanoseconds of meeting a woman they know where she stands in his life, such as a friend only (no attraction); sex only (attracted enough to have some short term fun); a GF (highly attracted to her physically and emotionally that could lead to love); or fiance’/wife (falls in love and stays in love).

For instance, I met my (now ex) husband at a dorm party I attended with my then BF while in the military. With only a brief 10 minute conversation, mainly centered on the fact we were from the same state; he was instantly smitten with me. A few months later when he heard I had broke up with my BF, he immediately went on the pursuit where it took him a few more months to finally catch me lol.

Men were biologically engineered this way to pick ‘a mate’ and although society has attempted, very poorly I might add, to feminize, socialize or virtualize them; deep down to their DNA core mother nature still rules—like they say “you can take the animal out of wild but you can’t take the wild out of the animal.”

He was physically attracted to you virtually like he would be a model in a magazine, TV star, etc. but when he met you IRL he didn’t feel the visceral spark or flutter that alerts a man to pursue her. Men can’t often explain what that feelings like, some describe it a a flutter in the pit of their stomach and others say they can’t stop thinking about or wanting to be near her all the time. However a man feels it, if he doesn’t he’s going to naturally stop which is your cue to do the same.

In a nutshell, he didn’t *feel it* in the way he needs to feel it in order to continue with a woman. Trust me, this has nothing to do with you personally because another man will *feel it* and when you meet that man it will be like night and day IRL. The lesson in this is to never assume a man has “connected” or has REAL feelings for you just because he’s physically attracted to you; throws out a lot of flowery words or you have a lot in common because you could be totally off the mark! Its only when you have BOTH WORDS & ACTIONS (a must), when together in real life, over a long period of time (many months) that will ultimately tell you whether you have a man’s heart or not because he will tell you, when you do.

Your gut was screaming he wasn’t *feeling it* on the first meet and greet because HE KNEW within the first few seconds of meeting you IRL it wasn’t going any further. This is why its imperative to meet a man IRL asap so when he stops making contact, plans, etc. without a peep, sneeze, smoke signal or anything from you; you know he’s not into you that way and best to walk away pronto so you don’t fall down this rabbit hole again.