This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tallspicy 4 months ago.
October 26, 2020 at 4:03 pm #821662
A year ago now I started dating one of my friends. A VERY introverted, shy and lovely guy. However both of us had come out of long-term relationships, there was some mess involved, and it really was not the time to start dating. He called it off a few weeks later, wanting to be friends instead, but spent a few months giving mixed messages and really being very resistant to any kind of conversation (or pressure for clarification).
This guy is honestly fantastic, but has told me “no” many times by this point. I respect that and won’t bring the subject up again. He is not seeing anyone, and hasn’t since me. I have been attempting to date others and have put a LOT of time and effort into being honest and communicative about my anxietys with him, and also in trying to rebuild my life from my previous break-up.
No guy I meet seems to quite measure up however. Last week the two of us hung out alone for the first time in months, and had a lovely night climbing trees in the woods and painting. He agreed with me that we are like opposites and that two of me or two of him would be terrible and we balance quite nicely. Also – when he left I told him I loved him the most and he gave a little squeeze hug before he left.
Since then it’s been more easy-going in attitude, but no more plans to hang out, and I’m doing a lot of the intitating. There’s no date vibe going on from his side.
What i am asking here, is that by being friends and continuing my own development – will anything ever change around? I’ve also invited him on a trip abroad which he is open too but of course, depends on COVID. I know I would find it difficult to be friends with him if he got a girlfriend much as I would try not to be…October 26, 2020 at 11:45 pm #821733
T from NY
Oh beware the trap of unrequited love. Of course you should STOP hanging out with him. Of course you should NOT travel with him. Make a choice, this moment to love yourself and what it is real. Choose your heart and your dignity.
I think the seduction of unrequited love is that a person (you) feels LESS than. Then they meet someone who makes them feel SO much (him) – and they believe the coupling with that person will make them feel complete or MORE THAN they normally do. This is fantasy. He has told you multiple times it will not be.
I will not judge you if you choose to walk this path to it’s inevitable end. Many have gone before you. But just consider – every moment you spend giving energy to this guy who has repeatedly told you he is NOT in to you – is energy and time and days away from focusing on yourself and being open to someone who would love to couple with you.
Get to work falling in love with yourself and getting so far in love, that any man who doesn’t choose you is a turn off. He is not this angel on a pedestal you make him out to be. The longer you give him hours of your time and thoughts, the more time you take away from a future of making memories that will can be more than bittersweet. I’ll just gently say – wake up. Life isn’t a movie where men “realize” how great a woman is. Screw that. Time is precious. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t deserve it or match your love.October 29, 2020 at 7:47 am #822318
“Get to work falling in love with yourself and getting so far in love, that any man who doesn’t choose you is a turn off.”
Spot on!!!October 29, 2020 at 9:44 am #822341
Yeah i think T from NY wrote down all that is important here already. Hope sometimes really works against you and this is a clear case if him saying no multiple times, stating he just wants to be friends multiple times. ARE YOU LISTENING? But you follow the squeeze of a hug.
You are also suffering from ego issues. And i know what im saying sounds bad, but its not about you being arrogant or anything. Its just a weird trick of the brain. You view him as shy and introverted and you brain reads that as he cant resist you. He is just not there yet. Its not true: shy and introverted people can pick what feels good for them just fine. And in his case: youre not it for him. Just accept that and it will be easier to move onOctober 29, 2020 at 9:52 am #822344
No, it will not turn around. And you will abandon anc betray yourself trying to be what he wants and not being open to others. You are not available for love if you can’t see past this man and your imagination of how great it could be. It is not great, this man is not great and you need to value yourself enough to be truthful with yourself.