Friends with benefits – does he feel the same?


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Eric Charles 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #933360 Reply

    Maryke

    Hi , So me and my friend were friends with benefits, it has ended. I opened up because I started to develop feelings. My question, Does/did he feel the same?
    Reason why I am confused it that, during this period he were different with me than what he usually is when it comes to FWB , the one day he bought me a chocolate and dropped it off by my work. When we are in public he kisses me and holds me, kept me warm when I were getting cold. I know I made him happy, you can see it in a mans eyes and his smile, the way he looked at me. When we slept together, we would spend the night together and there is cuddling ! His Friend and his sister said to me that he isn’t like that, it isn’t normal so they boosted my hope in thinking he is feeling the same, even his mom said she can see there is something.
    When I opened up, he handled it very well, better than what I expected. Before he left he kissed me .. a lot. Now? We barely talk… Did I do the wrong thing in telling him how I feel, should I have kept it to myself a bit longer ? What do I do …

    #933363 Reply

    Anna

    you’d known by now if he felt the same, clearly he didn’t , men can cuddle, have sex , spend time and still have no emotional connection with you.

    #933381 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    FWB almost never works for women, for the exact situation you describe. The man can cuddle, kiss, and all the rest, but not develop feelings for the woman. Women on the other hand almost always get attached and want more.

    It’s not bad that you told him, but you can see from his reaction that he does not feel the same– he barely talks to you any more. If he felt the same, he would have told you so.

    As for what to do, forget this guy and move on. He doesn’t want the things you want. There are guys out there who do want a relationship, who will kiss, cuddle and sleep you with and get emotionally attached to you. But this guy isn’t one of them.

    One thing to keep in mind is that you can’t sex a guy into a relationship. Men can have sex without falling in love. A guy needs to bond and get emotionally attached to you outside the bedroom, before you have sex, in order to fall in love. SO it’s doing it backwards to have sex with a guy expecting that it will make him fall for you. It’s actually the opposite with guys. They need to feel an emotional connection with you, outside of sex, before they fall for you.

    #933398 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Yes, Liz nailed it. I agree with everything she wrote.

    A woman’s “love buttons” get pushed (and pushed HARD) when she’s having sex with a guy and especially during orgasm.

    There are biological and neurochemical reasons for this.

    You are literally swimming against the current of tens of thousands of years of human biological programming and evolution.

    There’s no such thing as casual sex for a woman. Casual sex only exists for men.

    “But Eric I know a woman who’s able to have casual sex!”

    OK, but you’re not her.

    “Yes but if she can do it that means casual sex is possible for women.”

    I want to say this compassionately, but I want to share some insight I have based on working closely with women for the last 20 years on their love issues.

    Women tell me very personal details from their love lives. And then, on top of that, I have female friends who are happy to speak frankly about such things, too.

    The only women who I’ve seen who can have what appears like “casual sex” are either:

    – regularly abusing drugs (usually stimulants).
    – on some kind of psych meds (antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, antipsychotics).
    – have a history of traumatic sexual abuse.

    Now, I say these women are able to have “what appears like casual sex” because the problems “casual sex” causes are small in comparison to the other problems in their life.

    I admit I always feel reluctant when sharing these facts because I feel bad for these women. They’re dealing with difficulties as it is and then adding “casual sex” to the cauldron of misery…

    My point here is that women are not biologically designed for casual sex.

    “But Eric, my favorite TV show / movie / influencer personality / comedian talks about their casual sex lifestyle all the time and it works for them!”

    Does it though?

    Does it?

    All of that stuff isn’t real life. Just like Instagram stories aren’t a person’s real life.

    When these people are feeling embarrassed, ashamed, confused, misled and heartbroken, they won’t tell you that.

    Because after all, even in a culture drenched in the message that “casual sex” works, you’ll still get told that “you should have known better”.

    So the toxic cultural idea of “casual sex” perpetuates. People will brag when they’re up and hide their shame when they’re down.

    Sex, for women, is more than just getting pregnant or not.

    It’s the most powerful bonding trigger possible for women.

    Doesn’t matter if you’re on birth control. Every other psychological, biological, neurochemical process is happening, and they are the most powerful feelings you can feel.

    And they can be subtle and subconscious too.

    Most people think when I’m talking about powerful feelings, they think it’s some sort of obvious explosive feeling.

    Some of life’s most powerful feelings are SUBTLE.

    A subtle craving that grows and grows over days or weeks.
    A subtle anxiety that grows, yet you can’t pin down the source.
    A subtle fear of losing him, yet you didn’t care before.

    On a different note…

    Imagine this.

    I started A New Mode back in 2009 with Sabrina.

    And every step of the way, I’m looking at the traffic to the website and reading the comments from the audience.

    I see the articles that women read, I see their responses and I see the patterns.

    Did you know that between Sabrina’s and my content, we’ve received more than 1 billion views?

    Think about that… over 1 billion views over 13 years.

    Do you think we might see some patterns?

    Of course.

    And the pattern is this.

    FWB always turns into the woman “catching feelings” and wondering if he feels the same.

    Always. The only exceptions are what I described above.

    And it’s not that casual sex “works” for them, it’s that they have deeper problems to overshadow the problems of casual sex.

    A man’s “love buttons” don’t get pressed during sex.

    For a man, sex and love are not connected. For a woman, they are totally interwoven.

    If you want love with a man, you need to press his “love buttons”, and that happens outside of the bedroom.

    As Liz said, “You can’t sex your way into a relationship.”

    If there’s any chance of a relationship, it’s happening outside of sex.

    And if you’re already having sex and he hasn’t even started down the path of showing up as “relationship potential” for him, then it is insanely difficult to start afterwards.

    Not because it’s not possible, but because it means so much to you and none of those feelings have been triggered in him yet.

    #933431 Reply

    Peggy

    I agree 1000% with Eric. Wise insight and true, true, true…

    #933461 Reply

    M

    Oh my god, this thread is so brilliant. SO BRILLIANT.
    Ladies I love how clear you make it, and then Eric your post is like a nuclear missile that demolished all of the crap I’ve been fed over the years subtly and directly in modern society. I just love it so much. Especially that line

    “Does it though?

    Does it?”

    I can hear your voice literally as I read and it’s stopped me in my tracks.

    Please please please make this worldwide knowledge. Your exact post, every single word of it – over a billion views over 13 years, patterns, not one single case without the severest dysfunctions.

    I love it. I’m going to send every single women I know to this forum. (I actually don’t know many single ones, but the ones I do I will send to The New Mode for sure!) 🌟🌟🌟

    #933472 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    M – Awesome! I am really glad to hear it.

    And, truth be told, I’m workshopping a lot of my material here in the forum and will get back to regularly posting articles.

    I appreciate having you all here because you are all so engaged.

    If it hits, you tell me and that helps me a lot.

    If you have questions, you ask me and I clarify.

    And if you disagree, you tell me why and I can consider the issue further.

    It’s a big help, so thank you to you & everyone here.

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