This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
May 23, 2020 at 9:43 pm #791457
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years and we live together and split half the rent and bills. He often pays for dates and will often foot the grocery bill or other housing expenses.
Every time we talk about purchasing a house, we disagree. He wants to spend such a low amount that I do not think we will be able to find a reasonable house in a good area for the price he wants. He makes REALLY good income and together we do well. But I make significantly less than he does. He wants everything to be split 50 50 and that is why he wants to buy such a low house to make sure I can afford it. If we bought a house, it would gouge me of all of my income and he would be left with lots of money and I’d be left with nothing. He told me that if I cant afford it then I should pick up a THIRD job at timmies to make sure I can afford to split 50 50.
The way I was raised, my dad spent more to make sure our family and mother was taken care of. When I speak with people, usually it works out so that both people are left with reasonable spending money. He does not see it this way and this was not how he was raised, but both of his parents made an equal amount of money and could split things evenly and be fine. My parents worry that it shows he is not committed to me if he isn’t willing to make financial sacrifices to ensure we live in a fine house in a safe neighbourhood. Also, he will not put a ring on my finger until we’ve bought a house together.
I ask him if we cant find a reasonable house for that low price, what do we do? We wait he says. He is expecting the house prices to absolutely plummet and I dont think they will that much. I am 27 (still young yes) but how long do I have to wait to buy a house with the man I love, then waiting to marry then having kids? I feel like if you love someone you make those sacrifices for your family. He doesn’t see it that way.
Today we were on the verge of breaking up because I worry that if I do agree to spend ALL of my income on a house, I will have to ask him for money whenever I need anything and that will make both him and I miserable. The way I see it is we should split it in a way where we are both left with a similar percentage of our paychecks. And he can afford much more than he is offering to spend just so he can assure I can afford 50 50.
Now I definitely don’t blame him for his opinions and think he is entitled to them, and in an ideal world I would spend more than half if I could afford it! But that isn’t the case. I work hard at 2 jobs and can’t help i make less than him. Do we just see things so differently that we will never be able to agree? Do our values just not line up? Is it worth the risk?
He says that if we split the bills we will have a joint account where I can buy gas or buy groceries and he will be happy to take me out or buy things for the house. He knows that will be the case. But already he questions me on the amount I spend or what I’m doing with my money. Am I going to have to live like that for my whole life? Is this a normal issue? HelpMay 24, 2020 at 8:27 am #791467
All couples i know work this out for themselves based on both their incomes with open conversations and plans for a mutual future. The basic idea to split 50/50 is not crazy if you both have decent incomes and a back up plan in case 1 income falls through. So he might be unsure if his income is that solid to base a mortgage on. I cant tell. Or maybe he is a scrooge with his money. There is one thing i can tell you and that has nothing to do with your post. I you have two jobs that are not enough to get your better house on the better environment, youre doing something wrong career wise. Youre 27. I would get a better education and diploma’s. I would really focus on thatMay 24, 2020 at 9:02 am #791470
What happens when you two start having children…May 24, 2020 at 12:06 pm #791475
He had told you where he stands. He will not change and if this is a problem, you need to end it. Talking about it more is going to suck.the life out of your relationship. He already told you and showed you he will not budge or compromise. You will live like this forever. So choose.
Btw, never live with a boyfriend without a ring if you want marriage. You are young, but living together is not practice marriage. Many people never make the leap.May 25, 2020 at 3:44 am #791480
This is a guy who is a roommate you have sex with. Not husband material. What happens when you have kids, if you get sick, etc.? His system is grossly unfair and a pretty sweet deal for him and frankly. I’m surprised you’ve been with him for three years.
I don’t believe he’ll “put a ring on your finger” as soon as you buy a house together. I think it will be some other excuse not to marry you.
If you buy a house with him YES this will be the way it is the rest of your life and trust me, it will get worse. You will probably wind up having to justify every penny you spend on yourself and you will find yourself “not allowed’ to buy or do certain things because he thinks they cost too much and he’s in control.
Do you understand this man has CONTROL over you right now, because you’ve agreed to his terms? You have to go along with whatever he wants to do because he holds more of the purse strings.
He told you to go get a THIRD job? I’d tell him to stuff that idea where the sun doesn’t shine and I’d move out and start bettering your financial prospects. Get over him and date guys who will treat you a whole lot better. This isn’t normal. And it’s nothing I would tolerate for a day, much less three years. Not sure why you are. Get out of there before you turn up prego.May 25, 2020 at 8:45 am #791485
I’m going to tell you flat out that having this kind of “major issue” is not going to get any better but infinitely worse because it will always be the BIG ELEPHANT standing in your relationship if you proceed with this man.
Never, and I mean NEVER buy something with a man who is not your husband, period! You are making so many ill-conceived legal mistakes here that will cost you a high price because your “love” for him is drowning out all common sense. Stop pushing the house, period. This is a major investment that a woman should only make when the man makes the first major investment first, buys the ring and marries her, because she knows she can count on him to have you back, when you hit a bump, before making any major investments with him.
Step waaay back. Listen to your father because he’s a smart man, who not only understands men but also the legal consequences of making major contractual purchases, such as a house, and is warning you that you will be making a huge major dumb mistake if you proceed with this ill-advised plan. At age 27 you should be wiser, learned some life lessons, at least enough to know that making major investments without any legal recourse, such as Family Court, where your legal rights will be protected and given a lot of weight in the event it goes it goes south with him. Without it, you could be in major legal and financial hot water by being contractually forced to pay the mortgage for a long time should your relationship break under all this financial strain and pressure, that *you* are putting on yourself!
I personally would never ever agree to such a 50/50 deal, because life isn’t wrapped up in a tidy box with a pretty bow. Its HARD, full of bumps, hills, valleys, obstacles and curveballs and if you proceed with this man’s financial plan, you’re going to find out how hard it really is the moment YOU hit a financial bump (lose a job) and he’s not there to support you but only vilify you because you’re not holding up your end of HIS bargain.
A true romantic partnership is where two people come together (get married) and work towards common goals (buying a house, starting a family, retiring, etc.) while supporting each other through good and bad patches. Its not based on a specific financial number or amount but how each contributes to those goals in many different ways, whereas ‘sweat equity’ has just as much value as financial equity because people are PAID to do it every day, such as cook ($12 per hour), cleaning ($10 per hour), take care of kids ($9 per hour), laundry etc. whereas if you tallied up what you do, or would do, when the kids come along; to what people are paid in your local economy, I bet you 10-1 your relationship isn’t close to being financially equal (50/50) as your BF is trying to sell it to you.
Your BF has every right to decide the *type* of partnership he wants, in this case a “financial partnership” but you have the same rights to decide the type of partnership you want too, such as a “supportive partnership”. If this isn’t working for you, then its not going to work long-term, as you will eventually become resentful, miserable and unhappy for *settling* on the type of partnership you don’t really want. All I have to say is sometimes people have to learn the hard way before they *get it*, and if you proceed with his financial partnership plan, I suspect there will be some very hard life lessons coming your way, and not in good way.