This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
April 9, 2020 at 11:10 am #788961
Hello, I go by the name Tbird.
I really need some advice here.
I dated this guy since the start of february until the end of march. During february he told me he was a recovering addict. I was shocked, and told him I needed to process it. I wrote down a list of questions about his recovery and sobriety, because I did not want to continue seeing him if he did not have a plan to keep being sober. He is 25 and I am 24 btw.
So during us dating he told me all about his childhood and “things” he said he never told anyone else or had told anyone else before. I opened up like I never have with anyone. I reeeeally let him in.
He told me how he thought he would get along with his sister, how he wanted to take me on vacation, How fond of me he was and the whole bit. So, I told him about my insecurities of being scared to fall in love. He reassured me of how that would be unlikely as it was mutual between us.
Cut to the 22nd of March he brought a friend and his girlfriend. I then proceeded to ask if we were that (together). He first avoid the question, then I made him answer. And the answer was he fond of me, but I should slow down and a bit and it is going to fast for him. I did not understand this as we both agreed to take down our Tinder. I actually talked to him on the phone When we did that. Then I had lots of questions which he ignored THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT. I wrote 15 texts. The Only two responses I got from him was: “There is a difference between getting signals of me being fond of you and asking if we are boyfriend and girlfriend” and “The fear you have is What is making you ask me. Which means: “DO YOU LOVE ME” and he already felt enough pressure in his life”. I was dumbfounded and kept texing to get a reply, he saw all of them. He was awake but he did answer.
Then he answered the Next day. I wanted to have a talk. He said he was tired after work and wanted to take a nap, and he would call afterwards. Then the time went on. And I called + texted a couple times to see if he was awake. No response. He Finally called me at eleven O’Clock Ish, saying he just was scared to answer because of his fear of commitment. He just avoided it all together. I accepted it.
The Next couple of days I felt weird about it and him, as I felt quite traumatized by the incidensen and he did not Seem apologetic or upset about it. I had never seen this side to him in the time I have known him. So I did not know What to think. We talked for Next couple of days as I explained, that I felt that something had changed and I did not know How to act around him anymore. He reassured me that he could see us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend he just needed some patience from me. We saw each other that weekend but things were different. We bickered a lot and I felt he was being rude a lot, so I gave him back tenfold and he did not like it. At the end of the night he told me he had a good time, but I felt everything was just a bit off.
Next week we talked about us Alot again where he asked about my past relationships, which were pretty toxic. He told more about his too, but shared information he had not shared before. It was always the girlfriends who were bad, but this time he was actually the bad guy. At the end of the conversation he said, that he was more sure of his descion now. Not to be official. I did not know What to say. This was tuesday. Thursday comes and I feel confident about the relationship, because we had a good talk the day before and he wanted to take me to the town he is originally from and show me around.
But my friend send me a screenshot of his Tinder profile. Where he had written to her, the day after he ignored my ass and was supposed to be taking a nap. I screenshotet this to him and went off! He responded that he Haaaad made it clear, that we were not official and it would be best if we stopped seeing each with the end goal of ending up together.
I was shocked as I expected that he would at least be very Sorry about it to me for betraying my trust. As he still had it at the time of him and me were suppose to be exclusive. He just deleted me as a match instead. I trusted he really did that! I said that he wasn’t in love with me (as he had previously said). He said no he wasn’t. He would just ask me to be his girlfriend if that was the case. I was mortified!
We spend over a week talking about his commitment issues and stuff, When he really was just not into me. We talked on the phone were I asked some questions, where he said that he “did not feel in love with me When we were making out”. I did not know WHAT to say! Especially because he told me had trouble staying erect for some years now. But that made me wonder if he was lying about that too!
I kept texting him Friday, sunday, monday and tuesday. Friday we discussed the fact that I could not see us be friends as he wanted because he betrayed me trust. Sunday I felt withdrawels and convinced myself that I wanted to be friends, as a way of loosing feelings for him as I got to know him more. Monday and tuesday were about schedualing a phone call. I felt I needed it. But I did not know What a needed for days, as I was in shock as result of being decieved. Tuesday night he asked if I wanted to talk a bit about What I wanted to talk to him about. I asked questions about What he said that did not match with How ambiviliant he was towards me, and about that comment about being attracted to me. Why should I know that? He said he said it because he knew it would have an affect. What? He then proceeded to apologize, said he understood What I was feeling and that he felt bad for the way he treated me. But he did not think of himself that way. He knew he gave something good in his relations and that he WAS there for me. This made me so angry as he knew about me abonanement wounds, past toxic relationships, Daddy issues the whole lot. You would think a person who was there for you while you were going throw those fears, would be kinder to you. But no. He later proceeded to say that he wasn’t insterested in continuing the conversation and went to bed. That was it. I blocked his number the Next day.
I feel so lost still and it’s a week ago the “break up” happened today. The lack of Respect, the nasty comments and him viewing/treating me as less than really hit home! I cannot stop thinking about How much he wronged me, and How i will ever get over this? This man I thought I knew is not who he really is, and it is sooooo painfull. Plus he began Drinking again. When I questioned him he had an excuse ready asap. Now I just think he thinks nothing of lying.
Please give me some words of wisdom, encourigement and tips to move ON!April 9, 2020 at 1:26 pm #788966
You fell for an addict…
Ignored all of the red flags…
Encouragement to move on-
Stop dating & get your stuff together…April 9, 2020 at 1:33 pm #788968
You only knew him 2 months! This was another very toxic relationship with an alcoholic. You need to do a lot of work on yourself. To wonder how you will ever get over an 8 week relationship that wasn’t even very good speaks volumes to how unhealthy you are. Please get help. I wish you the best.April 9, 2020 at 1:42 pm #788969
The best way to describe you is “wayyyyy tooooo intense!”
First, someone in recovery is NOT allowed to be in a relationship until they have at least one full year of sobriety. Second, he “liked you” which is what fondness means, it doesn’t mean “love” as that’s an entirely different feeling that is much CALMER than infatuation which is what you were experiencing. Third, there is a major void going on within you that is starving to be loved but you are going about it the wrong way! Self-love must come from within, not externally, because its not a man’s job to prop you up.
Lastly, he is not a psychiatrist nor responsible for your life history! He, nor any man owes you a relationship nor do they have to take any ownership for your past hurts, those are YOURS to deal with and fix, not shame or blame this poor young guy who’s fighting his own demons with addiction!!! You are in no position to be dating IMO and need a lot of internal self work with a qualified PROFESSIONAL until you can learn how to not only forgive but get past the hurts and find peace, love and happiness internally. Only once you achieve it should you attempt to date again.April 9, 2020 at 9:44 pm #788990
Jeez! Just reading your post made me anxious so lord knows how he felt with your barrage of texts and calls.
I know this hurts and you feel he behaved badly but you completely misunderstood his feelings for you and then were ridiculously intense in demanding explanations. This guy owed you nothing… yes you both shared intimate life details and emotions but you can’t expect him to treat you in a certain way just because you told him your history.
He was out of order lying about Tinder. Aside from that this big old mess is on you. He told you very clearly in two texts that you had got the wrong idea but you ignored him. I honestly think he has been rather tolerant with you as a lot of guys would have deleted and blocked you after the first time you blew up his phone but he was willing to actually talk to you and explain – but you still didn’t listen.
It sucks you guys were not on the same page but you come across as a very intense and unboundaried person.
Learn lessons from this so you dont mess up so spectacularly again!