This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mama 1 year, 2 months ago.
December 6, 2022 at 4:58 pm #939659
Boyfriend was married 22 years ago and got divorced in 18 years ago in 2004. We made 1 year together last month.
My issue is that it feels like every chance he gets he talks about his ex wife. Don’t even get me started on his mother. I see her maybe once every few months and she talks non-stop about the ex-wife. I told my boyfriend that the next time his mom comes over he needs to be up front and tell her to stop talking about her.
It will be little things like one time we went to a restaurant that had beets in the potato salad and he says “oh I remember my ex-wife father used to put beets in his potato salad”
Another time we were watching a movie about a wife that cheated and the husband wanted to get revenge, so out of nowhere he says “you know you can sue someone for ruining your marriage” I replied, is that what you did…he responded with “I almost did”
Another time, he told me that I remind him of his ex wife, because I went to Sephora and went over my spending budget. I responded with excuse me, he said all women are the same just want to spend money on make up.
His mom also called him the other day to tell him that his ex wife was getting emergency surgery in her ear. I told him why is your mom calling you about this. She has a new husband in her life.
Another time, we were watching this show and he mentions that the actress looks exactly like his ex-wife.
There have been other instances but too many to list.
My main issue is the other weekend, his cousin and best guy friends came over, his cousin was his best man at his wedding. They were talking for hours, just guy stuff, but then they start talking about the past, and the conversation leads into how one day back in 2003, my boyfriend caught his ex wife at a park, with some guy from a Pizza shop he used to go to. His cousin starts going on about how he also ran into her and he cursed out the guy she was with.
They were just talking nonstop about how she used him etc. And the thing is, they were talking about this like if it just happened yesterday and not 18 years ago.
So I went to the living room I said, wow again you’re talking about your ex wife. He replies, “yeah cause my cousin didn’t know” I was like your cousin doesn’t need to know about how you saw your ex wife in a park with another guy back in 2003. You have a new life and with a new person now. I told him, I don’t pay half the rent for you and your
This isn’t the first time I have overheard him and his cousin talking about their “past life”.
After his cousin left, I told him it is extremely disrespectful, why are you guys so obsessed with this woman, including your mom. You guys literally divorced in 2004. I told him the next time I hear him talking about her, we are officially breaking up.
I met the ex wife once at his sons wedding and she has a husband (the same man she cheated on my bf with and had a child out of wedlock by) her and him were all over each other when I met them so its clear that she moved on a long time ago.
I just am not sure how to deal with this situation. It seems like his family is severely obsessed with this woman. He claims that I am overreacting and that he has no interest in her. That just because he talks about her doesn’t mean he wants to be with her. I haven’t listed all of the situations that have happened because too much writing. At this point, Idk if I’m overreacting or if this is a red flag.December 6, 2022 at 5:26 pm #939660
I also forgot to add that everytime the ex wife posts a photo on facebook, his mother screenshots it and sends it to him.December 6, 2022 at 7:09 pm #939661
And yet, You are still with him…
Why have you not nipped this?December 6, 2022 at 8:02 pm #939662
So many red flags! Why is his mother following her on Facebook?
Personally I’d end the relationship over this. It’s been a year and it’s clear that he and his family are not over the divorce. And he doesn’t even see it as a problem! I would go absolutely nuts if my bf brought up his ex wife constantly over really minor things, like what you described.
You are not overreacting in the least. Not at all. This would be intolerable for me personally, I would have ended the relationship long ago. It’s clear this guy has not moved on from a marriage that ended 18 years ago.December 6, 2022 at 8:03 pm #939663
And they were only married 4 years! It’s not even like they were married for decades. Ridiculous!December 7, 2022 at 12:51 pm #939665
This sounds like way too much.. You’re not overreacting. They sound weirdly obsessed. I’d be out of there.December 7, 2022 at 1:54 pm #939668
You know that ultimatum won’t make him change. He and his family are quite happy holding on to her. You are seeing the reason why he hasn’t remarried. I don’t know why you think you’re being unreasonable – his and their behavior is totally unacceptable and very demeaning to you. That comment about you’re just like her because you overspent at Sephora is complete BS – I would have dumped him on the spot. Don’t wait for the next comment because it’s inevitable – just end it now and let him be someone else’s problem. Because it’s very likely he and they will never change, at this point they’re hardwired for keeping her present even though she’s been gone almost 20 years and is never coming back.December 11, 2022 at 10:46 pm #939699
The million dollar question: why are you (still) with this man? Are you desperate?December 12, 2022 at 9:37 am #939702
I would end it since it makes you feel like the “third wheel” so to speak. I get we all have pasts and there will be a time or two the ex is brought up in random conversations, especially if children are involved but not to the point that he, and his family, are so involved in this woman’s life that they can’t stop talking about her.
Bottom line—If you don’t feel completely secure in a relationship, then you’re in the wrong relationship.December 12, 2022 at 1:59 pm #939704
Is his ex-wife all he has to talk about? that’s kind of pathetic. It’s demoralizing to you and sad for him.
You might mention that this behavior drives a wedge between you two. Let him know you want a partner that’s all in an what that might be. That gives him an opportunity to raise his own bar of behavior rather than you chastising him. He has not moved on from her and his dysfunctional family is encouraging that. It’s like they’re all stuck in an endless cycle of grief over his bad relationship. Some therapy might help him if he’s ever ready for it. (And since it’s been decades, he probably isn’t considering therapy.)
You have to decide for yourself if this is something you can live with because it probably won’t change.