Does this concern you or am I being impatient?

What were the concerns he brought up? You said he had a couple of concerns.

Also, why haven’t you said I love you? If you’re talking marriage, don’t you think you should have said that by now?

I think it was really bad timing to bring up living together during the holidays. It’s a stressful time. It sounds like your bf was a good sport about all the family stuff– you should have let him be, and had the conversation later. The holidays are draining. My introverted bf hung out with my loud, talkative family for Xmas, and he truly enjoyed himself a lot, but I know it drained him. He was exhausted the next day. I would never, ever bring up a heavy relationship conversation to him at that moment, knowing that. You have to time these things correctly.

I think your boyfriend’s hesitation is reasonable. Ten months of dating is too soon for cohabitation and marriage, in my opinion. You haven’t even been together a year. It sounds like he’s committed to the relationship so I don’t see a reason to worry.

I think I remember your previous posts (I remember you live with your mom, and are highly anxious about the relationship. I remember your bf having the 2-week on, 1-week off job too). I would relax and let this go for now. He’s switching jobs, which is a big change, and like I said, the holidays aren’t a good time to discuss this stuff. Let him settle into the new job, wait a few months.

One other comment. You say you live with your mom because of finances. Are you not financially solvent? Are you unable to support yourself financially? If I were him i would strongly hesitate before moving in with you, honestly. I wouldn’t want my partner financially dependent on me. I’d want us to both pull our weight. I don’t know details of your situation, but that jumped out at me.

Something to consider here. You’re 35 and he’s 30. If you’re looking to have kids, you’re going to want things moving along faster than he will. It’s just a reality of family planning for women in their mid to late 30s. He’s told you he’s not ready for moving in together or talking engagement. I’m sure that has little to do with you, though I don’t know if it’s an age issue and he wants a little more time to feel settled first, or if he has an avoidant insecure attachment style and is just never going to feel ready enough to commit to the milestones you are looking to experience with someone (living together, engagement, marriage, wanting kids if you want them).

After the holidays, you may need to suck it up and ask him what he envisions for the future and what kind of timeline he sees, and decide if it works for you or not. You’re not asking him to commit to anything or decide in the moment, just getting a sense of if your general mutual goals and timelines are compatible. This also doesn’t need to be a “we need to talk” level of serious conversation, but it sounds like you really don’t know what he wants in the future or where he’s at and now is the time to listen and figure out if this relationship can go where you want it to.

You should be able to comfortably have a conversation like this after dating 10 months in your 30s. Asking him to decide on forever and commit to that after 10 months may be impatient, but communicating to see if your life stages are compatible is not. If you can’t have this conversation at this point, then there’s an issue with trust and communication in the relationship. And I say that as someone who has been in similar situations and could not have the conversation easily or at all in the past, and it was a reflection of underlying problems in the relationships that eventually ended them.

Liz Lemon: Regarding the I love you thing…I have felt that I have loved my boyfriend a long time and that he’s shown he loves me in his actions (friends have said this based on things I tell them too). I know he takes things slower and said as much in the first couple months that we got together that it might take him a little longer to say them or express himself, but to wait for him that he would get there and it would be worth waiting for. It has been difficult for me as most guys I have been with have said it within 1-2 months of dating, but I wanted him to say it first and when he was ready. We discussed both wanting marriage and a family from when we first started dating, he made clear he wanted a serious relationship from the getgo. I don’t know why he hasn’t said it yet, but I would say it back.

To answer your question about the concerns: He brought up me talking too much to my mom (we speak every day even when we don’t live together), something about baby talk, time alone, and that’s all I remember. I have lived with two other guys, most recently in an apartment that was about the size of my bf’s apartment…yes, eventually we would want more space and for children when the time came. He’s said when I’m there he doesn’t feel like he can just leave even to go run an errand. I told him that’s crazy since I’m fine to run an errand for us or let him go like to get wine or groceries or whatever, or I’d be fine watching a show in the other room or whatever. He said leaving me in another room would be awkward. I find this also weird because I frequently stayed with him when he worked at the oil company and he’d leave at odd hours. I never had trouble entertaining myself and have had a key since early in our relationship to leave or go elsewhere. He also said I was fine to use his place to study when he’s away. The baby talk thing didn’t make a lot of sense to me, as I don’t really use it around him much. He also called me “goo goo” (inside joke with us from south park) last night. The thing with my mom and I is this, I’m an only child and my dad died 15 years ago unexpectedly of a heart attack. She has family in state, but they have not been there for her. She has been in the hospital twice this year, once in august and once in october. We also are just in general very close. His parents live in his home state, have each other to rely on plus his brother, and sometimes he goes a couple weeks with just sending them text messages. I spoke with him more about my mom today and he said it isn’t that he minds me talking to my mom that much, but that he thinks it should be fine if we don’t talk for a day or two. I guess I am okay with that (my mom generally would not be I don’t think) but a lot of times we only talk for five minutes or so and I don’t see why that should be a problem. He brought up no financial concerns.

I think you are right about the bad timing with it being the holidays and his personality. He brought up being frustrated about his mom keeping him at long family dinners when he went up to visit his family a couple of weeks ago, so it all makes sense. I shouldn’t have pushed whether he was happy doing the gingerbread house or not, and just figured it was nice he did it and he’d stop if he wanted to.

I also think it’s true what you said about the new job. It is a big change to his schedule and everything.

Lastly, here is the deal with the living situation with me and my mom. I am working as a paraeducator in a special ed classroom, basically like an assistant teacher. I work full time but clear $20,000 a year. I have gotten my masters in special education and need to pass a couple of exams to get my license to be a head teacher, then I will make around $50,000. It’s a significant difference and I hope to finish my exams in the next few months and get a head teaching job for fall and my bf knows all of this.

The anxiety I am having is worth mentioning. I’ve had a medical diagnosis of generalized anxiety for years. I went through a traumatic breakup with my ex fiance at christmas last year. He yelled and threw me and my mother out of where I’d been living. I met my current boyfriend a couple months later. I realize it wasn’t very much time and I needed time to heal, but I also have been seeing a therapist for the last year. I have spoken to her about my current and past relationships. I was also very open with my boyfriend about my previous relationship and he was supportive about taking things slow and just understanding in general. I think that is part of why it is so frustrating that he puts me on edge now about different things. Like I appreciate all he did for my mom and me at Christmas, the money, the gifts, fixing the dinner etc but it isn’t great if you feel like someone is resentful that they spent money on you. He does a lot of nice things for me, but I do nice things for him too. Why did he have to call up and make our whole conversation about money? He claims he’s not mad and ends our conversation. Then when I see he’s up and try to just message him like I would any other friend up late just to chat, he reads my facebook message and doesn’t respond. I’m sorry if this rambling I’m just trying to understand why he acts like this. Also we started watching a tv show called Good Doctor together..I have seen up through half of the 4th season, but he hadn’t seen it so I wanted to watch it from the beginning with him. He admits with a laugh on the phone, he watched one without me and I tried to jokingly tell him that’s netflix cheating and just don’t watch more without me because it’s been 4 years since I watched the first season and its hard to remember everything. Then I go to my hulu and it shows its several episodes later. I know that can be a glitch but if he did lie about that it’s concerning too.

Anon: I agree with you that the holidays are a bad time to discuss these things. I also agree that I need to live more in the present. I feel like tonight’s conversation that I mentioned above made that difficult..why is he putting pressure on me about finances and where we can afford to buy a house if he’s not ready to live together? I get it’s fine to be concerned about one’s finances but it’s hard to live in the moment when he is talking about how much money it costs me being up there. I feel like he is moody and wants things both ways.

Maddie: You are very right in that I want to have kids and because of my age it does put pressure on the relationship. I made it clear from when we were first dating that I wanted a serious relationship and marriage and kids in the near future and I specifically mentioned my age in regards to that. He said that he also wanted 1-3 kids, understood that could take time and understood my concerns for my age. He continued to back that up in the conversation where living together was mentioned, that he understood my needs for the future and I didn’t want to take years and years to do this and that he wanted the relationship to work along with that future. But then tonight he mentions all these things about wanting to buy a house first and that I still have lots of years to have kids. I told him I was not compromising when it comes to kids. I think with the general mutual goals we line up well based on what I know, but he gets into weird extremes about finances and wanting very specific things in a home. With any relationship and with any home search, there are usually compromises. I’m not sure how much of this is his lack of relationship experience.. I bring that up because he has never planned to live with anyone else specifically. He has been in other serious relationships and only slept with girls he was in relationships, but his longest was right out of high school with a girl who cheated on him and his other most recent one was with a girl he was friends with in college from his home state who was living there and he lived here the whole time (she also cheated on him and repeatedly gave him the silent treatment for days at time). I’m the first girl he gave a key to his place to and who has stayed over with him multiple nights in a row.

About the financial thing. It doesn’t matter how much your bf has in the bank, or what investments he has– he will always have this approach towards money. He may be way better off than you, but it will still be a source of anxiety for him in the relationship. I totally agree with Maddie that it can become a source of conflict. I understand it was irritating for you that he went on about it for the entire phone call (even when you tried to redirect)– but it’s instructive that he did that. It tells you something. Money is a huge issue for him and it has nothing to do with what he has in the bank, or his investments.

Honestly I’m a bit shocked that only a year ago (literally, one year ago), you were engaged to someone else, who threw you and your mom out of his house at Christmas (which is horrible, I’m sorry!)…and now, one year later, you are pushing a different guy for marriage/cohabitation. Therapy or no, it takes time to heal from relationships, especially ones that end badly. I feel like you rushed into a relationship with this guy, and now you’re trying to orchestrate or force an outcome. I’m sorry to say that.

I agree with what Maddie wrote about not being on the same timeline. Especially since it sounds like he doesn’t have a lot of serious relationship experience. You said his longest one was right out of high school (so over a decade ago), and his most recent one was a long distance relationship, so they weren’t even physically together. And you’re the first woman who’s stayed with him multiple nights in a row. So it doesn’t sound like he’s super experienced in relationships– he may just not be at the point where he’s ready to settle down and marry. He certainly doesn’t seem to feel urgency about it.

We all agree that bringing the issue up over the holidays was a bad idea, so now you know to let it go for a bit. Let him start his new job and get settled. But like Maddie said, you may want to give yourself a timeline in your head for how long you want to wait for this guy, if he keeps stalling on things that are important to you.

He’s anxious and it’s coming out through the money conversations. I realize you are on a timeline (you are almost 36 and want children), but from what you’ve posted it sounds like you are pushing the conversation and relationship, and he is amenable to that, but anxious and not on the same timeline.

Give him some space and let him work it out for himself. As others have said, decide for yourself how long you are willing to wait (I wouldn’t share that info with him — it will sound like an ultimatum).

Hi. I am going to make this simple. I do not think you two are compatible for a variety of reasons. You seem nervous and needy and I do not feel he is as understanding and patient as you need. He have different ideas on money and timelines. Your mother seems a bit overbearing .
Pushing him at 10 moths about living together and marriage is pre-mature. The lack of I love yous at this stage is odd as well.

I would step back. quit having serious talks etc. and just “be with him” for a month or two and see what he says or does. Leave the ball in his court and keep going to therapy. As far as going on dates,it is still a covid time. Maybe doing home dates now makes more sense. My advice is to wait and see a bit and decide what you want as well as what he may offer.I think he teases about stuff and you don’t “get it”. Again, I see a lot of imcompatibility here. Only time will tell if it can work out. I would give it another 3 months tops and then see if you are wasting your time or his is wasting is. Good luck.