Dismissive of my opinions?

I know you’ve been together for two years. But don’t let that alone determine your future. What he does sounds EXHAUSTING. Worse, it doesn’t appear you feel SEEN. And feeling someone sees you, hears you, and respects you are the bedrock of a healthy, beautiful, committed relationship.

My point is just this – I went through a lot of trauma as a girl and young woman. When I finally became courageous enough to leave my abusive marriage, and then eventually started dating – I found myself being so impressed if a guy was just nice to me. Like baseline civil behavior. Thankfully after adopting a radical self-live program it takes so much more to impress me, or entice me to commit. We choose the type of relationships we are in. And I feel your self speaking to you that you want to be seen, heard, respected and more valued. It’s my opinion he will not change. People rarely do. But it’s up to you how you want to live your life and if you can overlook this because everything else he provides is good enough to make you peaceful. I wish you courage to get quiet with yourself and your decisions going forward.

I suggest when you are calm you talk it through with him. Explain your observations with specific examples, how it makes you feel and ask how you two could maybe work on it. If he listens, try’s etc, he’s a keeper. If he doesn’t, then you need to decide. He might not even be aware or perceive his behavior as something else. He is not a mind reader. In along relationship, give him a chance to work on it.

You sound like you have a good perspective here. I agree with you that he may need professional help and you’re going to need a little time to see if he takes what you said to heart and wants to address it within himself. Not change for YOU, but change because he is already aware that he has this problem (he’s had it since long before you met) and he’s ready to address it for himself. If he’s all talk and no action or only starts doing the bare minimum to convince you to stay, then the change you need to see won’t actually happen and you’ll need to figure out what’s next for you.

“this is what I wonder. He seems to have marvelous parents but how did he end up like that then?” It’s very easy for someone to seem great from the outside. And I’m sure his parents have good qualities. But as you’re seeing here, being nice doesn’t necessarily mean being emotionally healthy. If his parents are nice but overbearing, for example, never gave him any independence or let him make his own decisions (or his own mistakes!), overly involved in his life even as an adult, that can lead to insecurity and immaturity. If his brother is this same way, then it’s very likely there was something inconsistent or overbearing in the family dynamic, creating boundaries issues and unhealthy power dynamics, even if it wasn’t on purpose (and often, it’s not on purpose, the parents just act how they learned from their parents, it’s all they know).

To focus back on you instead of him, “But then, wouldn’t be an endless quest to look for somebody “better”? When good is good enough? Especially when I don’t consider myself as good enough, I’m a work in constant progress too.” There’s a difference between “good enough” and “good fit for you.” Good enough is more about not dismissing someone because of superficial stuff, like height, has a job and is stable but not rich, doesn’t share all your hobbies, isn’t “perfect” but in ways that aren’t that important for commitment. Maybe you don’t get everything on your perfect “nice to have” list, but you have a good connection and the partner doesn’t have anything that falls on your dealbreaker list and is a stable and consistent person. However, some things that should be on your dealbreaker list are: mutual respect, doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, doesn’t make you feel unheard or unsupported, doesn’t make you feel bad in general… couples can have disagreements and fights and that is okay and normal, but feeling small due to your partner’s lack of respect isn’t “good enough!” It isn’t healthy and shouldn’t be acceptable, which is why you’re feeling strong emotions now that you’re finally dealing with it.

I can see how him and his family may seem much healthier compared to you coming out of abusive past situations, but it doesn’t mean they’re actually healthy. Or even if they are healthy, it doesn’t make it the best match for you. It sounds more like you don’t believe you deserve better because of what you’ve been through and seeing yourself as a work in progress, rather than you’re happy in this situation. Were you able to get therapy in those years you were single and recovering from the abusive situation? You may need to see someone with a different approach to help you heal further because the amount you were second-guessing yourself in the first post is typical for people who have suffered past abuse and automatically doubt themselves when something feels off… you were probably conditioned to do that in the past and your own insecurity and acceptance of behaviors that feel wrong to you may be related to you still not quite feeling you can trust yourself after everything you went through prior to meeting your boyfriend.

I wish you luck here, and hope he’s a good guy ready to grow up and work this out with you. I’m glad he didn’t see it as a normal cultural misogyny thing and at least could recognize what was happening and where it’s coming from. It’s good first steps.