Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Disappointed, Proud and Concerned I Might Be Harsh
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Maddie.
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Gaia
Good Morning…
Last night was a bit dramatic and I decided I needed to talk/vent about it. I started talking to a guy via a dating app 3 weeks ago. We talked for a week. Following week we had a meet and greet in a public place. Hit is off. He asked me out right away. Went on a date and it was romantic (a flower when I showed up). Talked on phone, texted, etc. All the normal stuff. But during those conversations some things were said that nagged at my brain. On the 3rd date, he got a flat. We met at his place (I was safe about it, 2 of my friends knew where I was) and hung out there. Very gentlemanly and we talked for a few hours then I went home. Something he said during the conversation again was nagging me. We were discussing social media because I take pics of everything and post them. He said he had no social media at all. I told him that I doubted that and that I’m a social media expert (I am, it’s part of my job). Anyway, he claimed he didn’t have one. That he talked on one message board for stocks and that was it. Then he showed it to me. No biggie but something was nagging.I pushed down the nagging and just went about enjoying myself. We have all kinds of things in common and well I just generally liked him. Then the last time I was on the phone with him he said something about my weight and that if I kept hanging out with him I’d slim down and get in shape. I told him I liked my shape just fine and was quite healthy. Then got off the phone. I took the following day to think about all the things that were nagging me and to work off my mad about the weight comment. I also looked up him up via social because I’ve been met the “no social” media guys before. I found he had Twitter and was hitting on another woman less than a half hour after I left. I wasn’t even mad about that. I was mad about the lie. I don’t understand why anyone lies especially when they will get caught.
Decided that we were not compatible for the long term and wished him well via text. I felt that was appropriate as we had only met in person 3 times. He texted he wanted to know why. So I told him: compatibility issues, not a fan of being lied to, and a huge problem with him referencing my weight/shape in anyway (It’s a sore point. I’m average but we all have our own personal issues.) I wished him the best and hoped he found someone more suitable for him.
Then the crazy came out. 5 calls that I ignored, a bunch of texts, demands that I call him, that I was making a mistake, I misunderstood. It was outrageous. Then the last messages were “You need to rethink things through” “Call me now” “don’t be scared”.
Like wtf, who does he think he is? I just ignored because it’s a grown man throwing a temper tantrum.
I’m disappointed because I liked him at first. Proud of myself for ending it before investing more of my time. But I’m also concerned that because of my past histories I’m harsh with guys I date or not giving them a chance to prove they are decent. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out and at least I dodged that bullet.
Sorry so long, just needed to vent. Thanks!
Raven
You were not harsh. He is an ass!
Liz Lemon
You were not harsh at all! This guy was a liar. He straight up lied to you about not having social media. Why lie about something like that? And what else would he lie about? Plus he made a very rude comment about your weight. You barely know this guy and he had the nerve to talk about you losing weight? That’s completely obnoxious.
The “don’t be scared” text raised my eyebrows….why is he assuming you’re scared of him? Makes me wonder what he’s done in previous relationships to make his partners feel “scared”.
Remember, folks are theoretically on their best behavior when they first meet you- on the first few dates. So if this is his best behavior, imagine what kinds of things he’ll say when he’s more comfortable and established.
You did the right thing. It sucks when you first meet someone and it seems like you have a connection, and then things go downhill. At least he showed his true colors pretty early on, so you didn’t waste a lot of time.
Honesty Rocks
ooft dodged a bullet. And then some. Block him already. And forget all about him. Dont even try and understand it or him.
Gaia
Raven- Thanks! He most definitely is.
Liz- Exactly! That was nagging me the most. I think my previous histories taught me to be cautious. That’s why I was taking my time with this guy. It seemed promising to because of the connection or common ground. But the nagging thoughts from some of the convos bothered me like the way he spoke about ex’s, mentioning he had a caretaker/maid, and a few other things including the working out comments. I kept thinking though that if you lie about something little you’ll lie about everything. The texts after justify my feelings. I can’t even imagine someone demanding or behaving this way especially if there was anyway to maintain or salvage the possible relationship. Like I know that if he was like, “I feel there is a misunderstanding here can we talk?”, I might have actually spoken to him and given him an opportunity. It would have been so much better than what he did do which was just throw a temper tantrum. If he’s behaving like this now, what’ll it be like later. And I’m definitely thinking the ex’s might not be as crazy as he made them out to be.
Honest Rocks- I know. Just mind boggling how people behave. It’s not like he’s a young man, he’s over 47. He should definitely know how to behave better.
Liz Lemon
About that nagging feeling– always listen to your gut. And I don’t know what he said about his exes, but I’m surprised he even brought up exes within the first 3 dates. And if he said negative things, like they were crazy, etc– that’s a red flag so early on. You mention that he made a few other comments that made you uncomfortable. Sounds like you knew something was “off”. Again, it sucks that it seemed promising at first and then all crashed down, but at least you found out relatively early before you had invested a lot of time and emotions.
Maddie
Ugh! Agree with all the other posters. They’ve laid it out well. He was rude to you, misogynist, and my experience is totally that tiny and unnecessary early lies are BAD! Especially if he thinks he’s using his non-existent social media to creep on other women under the radar, yeesh.
Don’t feel bad it took you 3 dates to be sure. That’s still pretty fast. It takes a minute to learn people’s character, which is what dating is for. Most toxic people have learned ways to hide it (instead of actually addressing it…), until they get set off by something and can’t hide it any longer. I wouldn’t feel concerned that you chose another bad one again, since your gut instinct caught it and as soon as you recognized it you left. You weren’t harsh at all, in my opinion. You were taking your time, doing it right, and were mature and straight forward in how you handled it.
FWIW, my boyfriend really doesn’t have social media. He did at one point but with all the privacy shenanigans at the companies that host the sites, he shut his down. So it’ll be a real thing for some people, but I don’t blame you for checking since it was setting off your BS meter!
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