Did she really lose feelings ?

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    Hello everyone,

    I (F, 19) was in a relationship for 9 months with my bestfriend (F, 19), it was both our first relationship and we’d been friends for a quite long time. It’s been 3 months, and I can’t seem to accept the reasons why it ended, I’m hopelessly believing it’s not that simple. I’m dying for some honest insight on what to think.

    So, for starters, her parents are homophobic, for them, same sex love doesn’t exist, her dad literally ignores her since she came out to them, and her mother’s not that much better, the kind that makes subtle reflections to show that it’s not normal to be like that. Plus, they’re not the affectionate type either, not the loving parents you would hope for. My ex herself had a hard time processing liking someone, plus this someone being me, a woman. Throughout our relation she expressed it a few times, since you know I personally have known for long my life would be with a girl, it was very new to her, thus much more complicated to balance.

    Anyway, she had been having a crush on me for a quite long period of time, I developped one on my own later on, and well, she wanted to try, I wanted to try, so we did.

    For the first 6 and half months I’d say, everything was going super well. I guess that’s what we can call the honeymoon stage, everything is so intense, you want to see each other all the time, the intimacy is growing fast, emotionally and physically, reality has yet to strike. Of course there were some easily solvable issues here and there, but either way, everything was perfect.

    We went on holidays together, at the end of August, it was super cool. Then, at the beginning of september, we went to a birthday party of one of her closest friends. There, we didn’t know anyone, majority of the guests were very cool girls, I chatted with one who I discovered was almost in the same studies as mine. From what I learned later on, another girl who was present developed a crush on me, but I didn’t know at the time, and doesn’t change anything, I loved and still love my ex. Just after the birthday, my ex went on a trip with her parents for 2 weeks. During this trip, I didn’t notice it until well after the breakup, but she started to change, though it was very subtle. It’s like she was slightly distant, a little bit less affectionate, her messages were a little bit shorter, maybe more dry. But it was so subtle I hadn’t noticed it at the time. She told me during the trip, that being with her parents triggered her internalized homophobia, you know, they would say well if you have doubts that’s because you know it doesn’t really exist and you surround yourself with people with your point of view to “reassure” yourself. I don’t know what happened in her head during that trip, maybe it’s not related to her parents, maybe it’s just hazard, but yeah, it was kind of a turning point, that would only get worse from here.

    She came back, and the energy wasn’t the same. I was excited for her to return, we had planned to see each other before uni would start, but even then I sensed a bit less of enthusiasm. I would be like “ohh what do you want to do”, and she would be more like “aah I don’t know we’ll see, let me arrive, plus I’ll surely be lazy to go out.” I didn’t think much of it, we saw each other, and it was like there was a small distance between us, like we needed a warmup to connect, I don’ know how to explain. But we ended up breaking it, and having a really great afternoon, like nothing had changed.

    I really can’t explain it, it was as if she was hot then cold, for example, towards the end of september, there was an event where I wasn’t sure to go, I changed my mind because well why not, plus I would be able to sleep next to my girlfriend, but when I told her I changed my mind she was like “ah what you’re coming ? I thought you weren’t”, I mean, she didn’t seem happy I’d come. But again, we ended up having a great time, she was affectionate, we slept along each other and the next morning, similarly nothing to deplore. She would still be flirty, but yeah idk, different.

    Since her trip with her parents, and during the whole month of September, it’s like she became cold and colder, the more the days passed, but also the more jealous she would be. The jealousy comes from a long story, she thought a girl was crushing on me and thus she would be kind of “monitoring” my interactions with this girl (I told her multiple times I was interested in her only, that even if x girl was crushing on me I didn’t care, and I was not having any suspicial behaviour towards that girl, yes I would sometimes see her since we’re in the same studies, but really nothing, I would never engage with her). At one point, she reached a peak, she was super cold, distant, hardly messaging me, only to make jokes about “all the girls who want me”, saying it was for fun, when clearly it appeared to me it wasn’t.

    One day, she learned the girl who she thought had a crush on me had be sat next to me in class and I didn’t tell her, since for me, she was just like any other person. But god, I should have told her.

    She goes on to say that she wants to break up, that it’s not working out between us, that being in a couple stresses her out over time, that she can’t see herself in the future and that it’s unfair to me, who has a more involved and different vision. That her mental state is not right and that the relationship is calling into question her self-confidence when it should be having the opposite effect. That if she wasn’t in the relationship, she shoudn’t have to compare herself to “all the girls who want me”. That a relationship should make you evolve, but she didn’t feel she’d evolved in 7 months, that it affected her badly mentally, when again, it should have a positive effect on your mental. And that I deserved better too, blah, blah, blah that I had lots of possibilities and also that she wanted to send me messages all the time but like she had a blockage, she felt obliged to answer because of the couple status or something like that. I feel it was all really emotional driven, like she wanted to escape this spiral of negative emotions that had been building. I kinda thought I was seeing “avoidancy” patterns and reasons driven by low self esteem, but at the end of the day I can’t be sure.

    Well, at the time, I was in deep, I didn’t have enough perspective, I kind of did and said everything I could to change her mind, I realise now I clearly shoudn’t have done that, but well, I didn’t want us to be over. I had been right to think her jealousy jokes were serious, I made tons of love declarations, but she was stuck on this “I’m the problem not you, I’m the problem so it can’t be solved”. Well, I believe the opposite, it’s like she thought an individual couldn’t change, when being in a relationship shows you your fears, insecurities, so that you can work on it you know. It was like, “nah I’m like this, I can’t change, take it or leave it”, which I think is not a good way of thinking. I was the one convincing her she was good enough. I can realise now she had such high expectations of what a relationship should bring you, it should restore your self confidence, affect you good mentally, it should be kind of easy not need too many efforts, it should make you grow (of course it can, only if YOU are willing to and are open to it), almost as it should solve all your problems and make everything in your life better. I mean, it surely can, but it’s not the main point of it.

    Anyway, the following day she had kind of changed her mind, said but no yeah of course we have to try and solve the issues, I’m not saying I want to break up or that I want to do it now. Well, I think she really contradicted herself, I mean what she cited were clearly reasons to break up, but okay. We saw each other irl, she was, apathetic, only reconnected when she realised she would have me out of her life if we broke up (bc I personally prefer not to stay friends, for my own sanity). She recognized the jealousy was internal of her, but I don’t think she understood the concept of a healthy relationship making you face your own trauma, because she still, to this day, blames the relation for encroaching on who she was, when in reality, with or without the relation, the problem is still there, but it’s maybe a less more triggered. Anyway, she said she’d make an effort, because to be honest the jokes were even becoming hurtful, I felt like she didn’t trust me, accused me of several things, when I had always been constant. Spoiler: the jokes continued lol, I even began to believe I was the problem, I would recount all my interactions with anyone so that she wouldn’t worry. She even said “don’t you think your life would be cooler if we broke up, you could have all the attention of others, and one less mental burden” plus “we already talked so much as mates, it wouldn’t change a lot to become friends again” I of course disagreed, but should have worried about the ease with which she could switch to being friends, just like that. But we decided to stay together, well she suggested we try a month and see.

    After this, we’d try to explain all that deconnection phase, why she would be so distant and feel kind of pressured to answer my texts. She suggested stress, school, internalized homophobia, a combination of factors surely. We also discussed the fact that we didn’t have the same background, I’m lucky to have very supportive and loving parents, where she doesn’t. As for them, homosexuality doesn’t exist, she kinda feels that way too and it makes her question everything, all the time. Plus she mentionned, since not that much had changed between us, between friends and lovers (I mean yeah there’s a physical domain of course, but we were still talking everyday, seeing each other very often), that it reinforced the belief that it wasn’t real. She said she didn’t doubt me as a person, but rather the circumstances. She’s already an anxious person who questions everything a lot, looking for rational reasons to like someone, and even looking for reasons to end it sometimes. But despite all that, I figured she loved me and cared for me, since she had made the decision to stay.

    However, after this almost break-up, things were maybe slightly better than they were where she was totally disconnected, but they just weren’t the same as before all this. I felt a significant drop in enthousiasm. She never said I love you to me again, minus a few exceptions, but I always felt like it was forced. She was less affectionate, would reject all my love, would react diffenretly to things, it would even make her uncomfortable at times, but paradoxically she would ask me to do more. Like planning more hangouts, have more physical attentions. I didn’t know what to do, when I would ask her to hangout she always had an excuse, how am I supposed to be physical if I can’t see her ? I bought her some gifts one day, just because, things she would love, but she rejected it, I tried to understand her reasons, but could only deplore she would love my gifts at the beginning of the relation. I was constantly wondering if she loved me, some things would make me believe that yes, but a lot would make me believe no. Sometimes things were like almost like before, she would suggest hanging out, flirt a bit or say something cute, but I knew in my gut something was not right. Unfortunately, I have struggles expressing myself and putting boundaries, and that’s on me, I should have said something, but I let her be, me giving and loving like I had always been.

    It was tiring, to constantly wonder if she loved me. She was still jealous, a proof of love for her, even if we know it isn’t, but we’ll believe it just this time. She insisted, at the end of october, that I go on our ski trip next year, stating “it would be like living together”, how could I resist ? When we would go to parties, it was really strange, during the all thing it’s like I was bothering her, but the minute we were alone she was affectionate, loving, like everything was fine, I could feel it, the love, I know it was still there somewhere, or I want to believe it.

    I asked, one month after the almost breakup, if we could maybe talk, to see where she was at, since the month was now expired, I wanted to know how she felt. She answered something along the lines of “that’s cringe”, and I felt so dumb for even asking that I let it go. I asked her again, 1 week into November, she said she didn’t know, that she had to think about it before answering.

    7 November, we celebrate my birthday, she comes to my house, it had been such a long time since she’d came over. It was as if nothing had changed, our complicity was still there, we laughed so much, watched a show together, with her head laying on my chest. We did each other back massages, and spent a great night. The next morning, she held my hand delicately, and kissed me at least 5 times before leaving.

    15 November, we studied together at the library, spent an hour laughing while playing a dumb game on my phone. She then suggested to go eat, even if she had to eat tacos after at some friends house. She took my hand on the road, while saying “hey we have to celebrate our nine months”. We had a great time, ended it by an embrace and a frivolous kiss. I had hope things would be alright. Little did I know.

    10 days later, she becomes cold and distant again. I ask her what’s wrong, she says nothing. I knew better, the 30th she broke up with me. She felt the same as before, not evolved, stressed about the status, that it didn’t suit her, that we weren’t a good match, that we made efforts and tried but that there shouldn’t be so much to do. I said that in itself it was logical for her to feel like she did 2 months before, since nothing had really been done to improve things, and she replied that it was “proof”.

    She didn’t see a future with me, that our friendship was stronger than our romantic period. I thought the reasons were a bit vague, or I didn’t understand them correctly. She absolutely wanted to stay friends, said I was her favorite person, that she loved me very much, I said it would take time for my feelings to leave, she said hers would too.

    Then a week later, I asked more questions about the breakup, and she told me that her feelings had changed, that she was attached to me but wasn’t sure if it was 100% romantic, that she loved me but not in that way, well she doesn’t know, that if she had doubts then she wasn’t in love. In short, that she had loved me but not anymore. She felt guilty for not feeling the same things, she wasn’t forcing herself into the relationship but she felt bad for not being the way she should be. Why had she told me that her feelings would take time to leave, if they were already gone? Pity maybe

    To resume, she had a crush on me for so long, fell in love with me earlier than me surely, I fell harder, developped deep feelings, while hers stayed on the superficial level, that’s what I understand. But you know, I’m not satisfied with this explanation, my brain is trying to fill the blanks with everything it can. If her feelings began to change early september, why does it paralell with the jealousy rising, that proves feelings were still there. I’m just wondering, for how long did I live a lie ? She never really loved me then ? I mean true love, the one you choose.

    I know in the end nothing really matters, what’s done is done, I should just take away what I can to learn, and I’m doing it. But I can’t help but think it can’t be summed up at just, well, I was in love, then I wasn’t, I can’t control my feelings. I want to believe there’s more to it, given the complexity of our relation, given her complexity. I searched through everything, avoidant attachment (which I’m pretty sure she has), internalized homophobia, low self esteem, rocd, doubts, anxiety, everything that could explain the outcome, differently than “I just lost feelings”.

    What do you think, am I crazy to believe it’s much more complex than this, I know I’m delusional, but am I that bad ?
    Thank you so much in advance

    #943609 Reply

    You don’t need any more explanations. There will not be a different outcome. You can’t force someone to feel for you when they don’t or don’t understand their own feelings. You are all so very young and there is a world of experiences out there for you.

    Also, jealously is never an indicator of love. You need to cut this person off completely. Don’t remain friends. It not good for your mental health.

    #943610 Reply

    What @Gaia said ⬆️

    #943613 Reply

    TLDR.. from what I did read my take is:

    1) She’s got disapproving parents and at this point in her life can’t and won’t deal with the rejection she’d face by coming out as lesbian
    2) She is experimenting with her sexuality and isn’t really sure she’s lesbian
    3) She realized she cares for you as a friend and not a lover
    4) You two are just very young and learning what love is and isn’t
    5) One of these or a combination

    #943614 Reply

    RRelationships will bring out insecurities and fear of losing that person, but such feelings are intended to make one face it head on, transmutingsuch feelings into consciousness to become more present.

    #943615 Reply

    She was just dealing with too much that she was not ready for.

    #943616 Reply

    Hey, thank you for your comment. I know jealousy is by no mean an indicator of love, I think I even became allergic to it haha. I know the outcome will not change, but my brain thinks this is some kind of cold case I have to solve. How could someone be so in love with you then not be ? We’re on no contact policy, initiated by me, which she kind of guilts me for but anyway. Thanks again

    #943617 Reply

    Hey, thank you for your comment. She never put a label on her sexuality, not everything needs be put in a box I guess. Honestly I’ve known her for so long and always thought she was 100% straight. She would only ever talk about boys, boys, boys. Until she apparently fell for me. I’d guess she’s kind of bisexual, with a huge preference for boys, and I was just kinda there, the exception to the rule maybe. Maybe she’ll never be with a girl again and that was a one time thing. I’d like to think she wasn’t experiencing, especially considering how the situation was difficult, I don’t know, what a hard path to « choose » only to experiment. I guess so, she fell in love but didn’t « love » me, like the definition we give to this word, but her actions were really contradictory. Maybe she thinks the « in love » feeling is love, where I believe it’s just chemistry. I don’t know, I can’t stop thinking I’m just not good enough for her feelings to stay. Thanks again !

    #943619 Reply

    When you’re dealing with someone with that much trauma, it’s not about you and it’s not even about love (which is one reason all that jealousy is being called out as a red flag). You’re very young, and with experiences like this you’ll learn why love isn’t always enough. Loving someone else, or at least caring deeply about them, does not help someone love themselves enough to want to face down the demons that make them bad partners to others and even worse to themselves. Love isn’t always enough to, for example, fight addiction or mental health problems, or even make someone want to sit with themselves and do the work to overcome bad feelings, shame, guilt, self-loathing… especially when sometimes you can choose to temporarily feel better by running away, avoiding, or distracting yourself. Many people choose those paths, and there’s nothing you can do about it besides taking care of yourself.

    Again, that does not reflect on your self worth in any way. You did not cause her issues and you can’t fix them. However, part of why you’re ruminating on what happened may be because you have tendencies of anxious attachment. Often, anxious attachers are attracted to avoidant attachers. If you can get a head start on focusing on yourself and dealing with your own insecurities from prior to meeting her, and learning tools to process your own stuff without focusing on someone else, it will only help you and make your romantic experiences less painful as you go through your 20s. It’s a lot to think about and deal with, but it’s worth it and makes emotionally processing relationships so much easier. When you’re also navigating a world where (realistically) some people are going to unfairly make your life difficult due to your sexuality, take every advantage you can get.

    You’ll get through this!

    #943620 Reply

    Hey Clem, you’re right, my bad, sexual and gender identity is more complex and fluid these days than my comments reflected.

    PLEASE stop thinking you weren’t good enough. Spare yourself a lifetime of pain from believing it’s about you and your worthiness of love if someone decides to end the relationship. You are just fine as you are and worthy of love. You just need the right match. This wasn’t it long term. I know that hurts. Feel that pain fully and it will resolve itself and you will be able to move on. You learned a lot here, I’m sure you will see that in hindsight. Each relationship takes you forward. People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Very few are lifetime. That’s normal. It might be best to take some time and space away from her to grieve and heal. Maybe you can eventually be friends, maybe you will decide you can’t do that. Do what is best for YOU.

    #943621 Reply

    Hey, thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you, I can see how wrong and naive I was, too much of a hopeless romantic haha. I knew beforehand she had a troubled life, I presomptuously thought if I loved her enough, if I loved her right, it’d just open her eyes on all the good things she deserves, and more. I know now it’s not my role to do that, only hers. Totally, you can’t really love someone into loving themselves. I think you hit the nail with the anxious-avoidant dance, I’m quite aware I have anxious tendencies, though there were not triggered at all until she began to be unconsistent, but that’s the point. Attracting avoidant people indeed means I’m still not secure myself. I still have a lot of work to do and will take a loooot of time to learn about myself. But that’s where I think I’m at advantage somehow, even if I’m the dumpee, I know I have to reflect and take what I can from this relationship to improve myself, whereas avoidants avoid self introspection, and from what I understood she’s not willing to think about it at all. Easier to just blame everything on me haha. Thanks a lot for your advice and hindsight !

    #943622 Reply

    Hey, no worries about your comment ! I know I’m good enough, in the end, there are just moments when everything is just a lot harder to see clearly. I did my best, I loved her till the end, supported her and gave what I could. It’s just hard living life, we’ve been in each other’s life for so long, were each other’s favorite person. Everything is so fragile. I’d like to be friends with her someday, but know I can’t, even if it kills me, I just know my love for her, even if it fades, will always be here. Just sucks to think my first love wasn’t even reciprocated in the end haha. Thanks !

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