This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Miss_A 2 months ago.
November 23, 2020 at 4:18 pm #826761
I have always been quite sexually liberated and enjoyed sex, in both long term relationships and more casually. However, a recent experience has left me feeling really horrible. Met a guy on tinder, spoke for 3 months, met, had sex and then met again after about 6 months of no contact. This second time was amazing – we spent the whole afternoon snacking, drinking, talking and having mind blowing sex. After that he was very very keen to see me again and was in constant contact. We arranged a meet up. We got in to talking about what he likes and his fantasies. He had already told me he liked to dominate so we agreed that he would come to the hotel room without talking to me and we would role play a rape. I don’t know why I agreed to this as I am not naturally submissive and I am also very loving and affectionate and not someone who likes anything aggressive.
So, we did it and actually I surprised myself in that I got quite into the role but I could feel he was holding back and it maybe wasn’t quite the experience he thought it would be. We then went out for something to eat and came back to have more sex before crashing to sleep.
The next morning was fine but he left and sent me one text later that day and then radio silence. I got an immediate sense that he had completely gone off me and from that moment on I have felt absolutely rubbish about myself. I am wondering if the whole rape thing freaked him out even though he was the one to suggest it.
That was three weeks ago. I keep wondering whether he will pop up again on my phone. I feel disgusted with myself and wish I had not agreed to it. Any advice on how to feel better about myself?November 23, 2020 at 5:52 pm #826775
I am sorry you are disappointed. But I dont understand why you had expectations from this.
Something to consider if you can’t have casual sex you should not be having casual sex. Having sex with strangers is casual sex. You did not know this man and he was not your partner in any way. So the question really is… why did you expect him to call?
How many times must we say: you cannot sex a man into a relationship.
He did not go off of you as we dont know he was ever into you because you did nothing to have him need to invest in you. I am not slut shaming you, as I dont judge that you have sex with people you dont know, but there should be no expectation if you do. And if there is, you need to stop abandoning yourself to situations that could leave you feeling bad.
Also, what part of a fantasy about rape made you feel safe emotionally? To me, that should be a red flag that he likes power dynamics, as rape is about power, not sex.
How to feel better about yourself. Own your choices. Make someone invest. Stop sleeping with strangers. Have no expectations of people who have not said… have expectations of me.November 24, 2020 at 4:35 am #826849
Tallspicy, I don’t think OP was trying to get a relationship out of this. What I gathered is she knew it was always going to be casual sex but that the dynamics of the -roleplay- left her feeling more vulnerable than she’d anticipated.
Helen, though it is possible he freaked out I highly doubt it. What most likely happened is that experiencing such an intense fantasy with a casual partner exhausted all interest he had (even if that interest was merely no strings attached to begin with). Sometimes the quicker/easier/more a woman offers herself sexually, the faster all interest is lost.
This was the first time you had such an experience. The feelings of disgust/doubt are very understandable. They will pass in time. Chalk it up to an experiment gone wrong. It happens. If it helps, you can think of this as no different than being ghosted after regular sex. But I hope you’ve learned an important lesson. That just because you’re into casual sex doesn’t mean you should agree to everything. And being sexually free spirited doesn’t have to mean reckless. Emotionally protecting yourself should still be paramount.November 24, 2020 at 4:43 am #826851
Understand what you are saying and agree.
One thing to consider again is the underlying context of why he would want to have a rape fantasy before you decide. Why did he want to rape someone? I am not judging someone’s thoughts…. but maybe the exploration of something that is so significant can tell you if you want to do it. Had you asked… what is it about that fantasy turns you on? What is about it that makes it a fantasy and not a reality for you? What will happen after?
Rapes are about power and often are one offs. There is nothing loving or caring in them and if you need that in your experiences, make sure to only do those.November 24, 2020 at 4:44 am #826852
Btw, you did nothing wrong other than have expectations that did not match with what was happening given the context and level of relationship. Be kind to you.November 24, 2020 at 7:10 am #826865
Anderson is right. I wasn’t looking or even hoping for a relationship. It was the role play that bothered me. I have had loads of casual sex and been absolutely fine (even when ghosted) so l was surprised at how different this felt. It almost left me feeling as if l had really been raped.November 24, 2020 at 7:30 am #826868
That is really painful and I understand why you feel that way.
The learning is to set yourself up for success by not getting swept away and being more inquisitive. When this is over I want to feel xyz… what will get me there in terms of what I do and want my partner to do.
And forgive yourself for making a mistake…November 24, 2020 at 11:27 am #826900
I agree with Anderson 110% and I think this is more of your own feelings of “why did I agree to that”. I think him not interested in anything else is a good thing…his requests were too much too soon.November 24, 2020 at 12:19 pm #826908
There is a huge difference between actual rape and a consentual rape role play. In fact they shouldnt even be on the same planet. Rape fantasies are the number 1 fantasies for women, so i bet there are also a bunch of men into it. Of course its about power and control mixed with sexual acts. Thats the attraction.
But your humiliation is only forwards one man about one act. I do think the fact it was intense for you left you vunerable. And i do get it can make you feel dirty after. I had that a few times. My best advice is just to minimize it. I also think he is very rude just forgetting you exist after. After all you went into this for him first.November 24, 2020 at 3:51 pm #826942
I agree with not letting it take her over emotionally. However…
Why is he rude? They had no relationship. They had no agreements. They had no commitment. He texted her the next day (hardly running away). He was doing what casual and fwb do. He owed her nothing because she asked for nothing and he promised her nothing. And he wanted to do rape role play… that says this is a man who at least thinks about power over connection.
I have no judgements about rape role play. I stand by my suggestion that given what rape is and that she did not know this man, that for this not to happen again…. start at the end and imagine how you might feel and why. This would be exactly the same for and BSDM. Explore why the person wants to do that thing to understand their motivation and ask for aftercare.November 24, 2020 at 4:00 pm #826946
I do agree that for any type of casual sex you have to be careful and discuss rules. It wouldnt be for me to do for real. I really consider every guy who ghosts after sex rude, even though i know its common practice. How hard is it really to say: this was fun, i dont think ill be around any time soon but take care. When its been more intimate its even more rudeNovember 24, 2020 at 4:07 pm #826947
Newbie – you’re so right. It is actually harder when you have had a lovely intimate time and then they ghost. It takes you more by surprise and because you felt close it’s harder to understand.
I am not so bothered by this guy disappearing because the sex wasn’t really my thing so don’t feel l am missing anything.
More struggling with the fact l agreed to do it. I can be such a man pleaser and forget my own needsNovember 24, 2020 at 4:44 pm #826953
He did not ghost. He had no relationship with the poster so it is not ghosting, And he did text her the next day.
And to the poster…. we give your virtual hugs as you struggle. Our best council was to see it as a one time mistake. My friend calls mistakes…. learnings from experiences we consider negative. Be kind to yourself for not knowing what you know now.November 24, 2020 at 4:55 pm #826956
Helen, I’m sorry this left you feeling bad. You can’t change what happened, but you can learn from it. You can help yourself feel better by promising to always make yourself and your feelings a priority and not being a man pleaser, or a people pleaser in general. I have been there, done that and it never feels good to compromise your values or morals just to please someone else. Become empowered by this experience. Forgive yourself, love yourself, and move on. HugsNovember 24, 2020 at 5:09 pm #826930
That lie that people tell about the #1 fantasy of women being raped is a flat out lie. A few women in one study said that, and now it’s being used as a paintbrush to color all women everywhere. STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! I swear.
In this case you need to reevaluation your sexual attitude. All this freedom you claim you enjoy obviously isn’t quite true. Maybe that was fine when you were younger and a lot less mature and thoughtful about things, but now you’re having issues and need to take a time out and reevaluate. What has all this sexual freakiness actually brought you of benefit? How has it improved your life? Your relationships with your partners? Your relationship with yourself? If something you do over and over again isn’t improving your lot, stop doing it. And never again do something that is a criminal act against women because some clown man asked you to do it as his “fantasy.” The fact that he even came up with that scenario shows that he is a disgusting human being and someone you should have run away from as fast as your legs would carry you. One person’s pleasure should NEVER be at the expense of another’s mental, emotional or physical safety and health. And that is what rape is.November 24, 2020 at 5:59 pm #826969
Debster, dont you think youre needed back in stepford? Hubbie needs his pieNovember 24, 2020 at 6:08 pm #826971
Debater, please take your pearl clutching elsewhere. Two consenting adults can do whatever they choose. A rape fantasy is fine… it is best to think it through about what it could mean for both parties. Rape fantasy and role play is not rape, but it does require boundaries for self care. Period.November 25, 2020 at 5:59 pm #827153
I would try to think of it as a positive learning experience. You tried something new, going into it with an open mind, and that’s a good thing. You found that it’s not for you. How would you know if you liked it if you’d never tried? We all do things we regret. My advice is to forgive yourself, love yourself and try to move on.