Dating someone with a Child – should I be concerned

How long have you two been a couple?

Have you had conversations about meeting his daughter? Does he say anything about it other than the times he’s threatened not to introduce you? I agree that’s a disturbing sign. He should not be using his daughter as leverage in an argument with you.

Has your bf talked to his daughter about you? Mentioned you at all? If you’ve been dating awhile and the plan is to eventually meet her, your bf should be mentioning you and saying positive things to his daughter about you, to set a positive tone for when you meet.

About you not being a kid person– it’s okay, you have to be honest with yourself about that. Not everyone loves kids. Do you have any experience with kids that age aside from your niece? The thing is, if you don’t warm up to kids naturally, it will make it more difficult to bond with your bf’s daughter, to be honest. It’s just how it is unfortunately. So you will have to be prepared to make some effort to develop a relationship with his daughter, if you want to progress the relationship and get more serious.

I have to respectfully disagree with Erin a bit. My bf and I both have kids. If your relationship is going to become serious, young kids will be involved. Not just “in passing” or just knowing of each other’s existence. That’s fine for casual dating, or if the relationship is not going anywhere. In fact it’s better not to introduce the kids to every casual relationship you have! I’m talking about getting serious and seeing a long-term future for yourself with a man.

You can’t get engaged or move in with a guy if you don’t have a relationship with his young child. You need to build the relationship with the child first. You wouldn’t marry or move in with a guy, THEN get to know his child/children– that’s doing it backwards.

It’s not about replacing the child’s mother either. But ideally you will have a warm, healthy relationship with the daughter. Especially at such a young age! If you wind up eventually getting engaged to or moving in with this guy, you will be a significant part of this little girl’s life. I would argue you do need to be “maternal” with an 8 year old. You certainly can’t be distant. My bf’s son is around that age, so perhaps I’m biased– but he adores me and I adore him, he loves his mom *and* he loves me to death– kids can do both!

So I wouldn’t play down the relationship with this man’s daughter. It IS important. The child WILL be a part of any serious relationship. If it were an older teenager or a kid who was almost grown & out of the house, that would be somewhat different (but you still need to have a good relationship with the kid!). But a little kid is going to be a serious factor in any future of your relationship.

I agree with everything else Erin said, about respecting his fatherly responsibilities and the fact that he won’t always have time for you. The thing is, if you have a great relationship with his child, he will naturally invite you along when he has custody of his daughter– not all the time, because they need one-on-one time, but if the daughter likes you she’ll ask to see you when she’s with him.

I will add, I fell more in love with my bf when I saw him as a dad- when I started hanging around with him and his son, and he was in dad mode, taking care of his son and playing with him. I fell more head over heels than I already was.

Anyway, my point is, I would never downplay the importance of a bf having a child. Especially a young child that needs a lot of one on one time and attention. It absolutely is an important factor in a relationship, and not just for financial reasons.

I totally agree, Erin! That’s why I asked the OP what conversations she had been having with her bf about meeting his daughter. If all he’s doing is using his daughter as leverage in arguments, that’s a very bad sign. If they are serious enough to where they’re thinking of having her meet his daughter (if that’s the case?), there should be a positive discussion around it.

I agree that developing a relationship with the child is a process, and it has to be organic. You can’t force yourself or expect the child to like you immediately. Everyone is different, some people warm up to kids right away, some don’t. Some kids warm up to new adults right away, others don’t. It really depends. I’m very lucky that things went smoothly for me & my bf in terms of getting to know each other’s kids. But the OP and her bf need to be on the same page to make it work.

I sent my bf’s son little treats before we had even met, like the idea you suggest. My bf would mention me in conversation with his son, say positive things, and eventually would pass on little token gifts from me. By the time I actually met his son (we’d been dating seriously for almost a year)– he was very excited to meet me and already had a great impression of me. That’s why I’m wondering what the OP’s bf is doing to build a foundation for a positive relationship with his daughter? Or is he just throwing it in the OP’s face that he won’t let her meet his kid? It would be very toxic if that were the case.