Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating in the Early Stages – My Perspective vs. Others’ Opinions
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 1 minute ago by
Tallspicy.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Allysa
I want to share my perspective on dating, especially in the early stages, and get others’ thoughts. I personally believe that when you meet someone who seems like your ideal, it’s still okay to date other people while getting to know them. For me, this feels like the best way to understand if someone is truly compatible before committing.
Some of my friends disagree. They think that if someone seems ideal, you should focus on them exclusively right away, and dating others is “wrong” or inappropriate. I understand where they’re coming from — they may have different generational or cultural views — but I feel that dating multiple people early on is a valid and healthy approach, as long as everyone is treated honestly and respectfully.
I’d love to hear what others think: Do you believe it’s okay to date more than one person at the beginning, or do you feel exclusivity should start immediately?
Am I wrong?
Eric Charles
KeymasterYou said: “I feel that dating multiple people early on is a valid and healthy approach, as long as everyone is treated honestly and respectfully.”
Yeah, I think it’s valid and healthy. As you said, “everyone is treated honestly and respectfully”.
To me, I hear that as, “The other person understands we’re not exclusive I am/might be seeing other people and they’re free to as well. And this *is* the disclosure, I’m not going to give you a play-by-play of what’s going on outside of our relationship and I’m not asking for yours…”
I think that makes sense in the beginning stages of dating. Personally, I like it because it takes the pressure off the relationship. It can be as it is without needing to live up to some benchmark (or deliver on hopes because you put your eggs all in one basket).
Strategically speaking, you’ll do better in the beginning when you know you have options. That “knowing” doesn’t require you to date other people per se – sometimes, you know you could and that’s enough – but if dating others is what you need in order to know you have options, then fine.
(Also, that’s not to say that I look at relationships/love as strategy, but it’s an important part of life. And therefore, it’s necessary to take a strategic view on relationships at times.)
Now… where it gets tricky is sex.
I’m not here to give a sex ed lesson nor a moral lecture. I’ve never been that guy.
But if you’re sleeping with multiple men, all of whom have an open-ended arrangement to sleep with multiple people too, that could become problematic at a certain point.
Pregnancy, STD concerns, etc. Again, I’m not that guy and not getting into all that, but it needed to be acknowledged, at least.
Your question is generally, “Is this OK to do?” And yes, in my opinion it’s OK, it makes sense, it’s fine.
I guess my question is what do you really want from here?
You’re dating a guy that you think is ideal, let’s say.
Where would you like that to go, ideally?
(I’m not trying to walk you anywhere rhetorically, I’m genuinely asking out of curiosity.)
I would say “I want to get to know you on a deeper level and see where things naturally go. At the same time, I’m comfortable keeping my options open and getting to know other people until I feel ready to fully commit. I hope that’s something you can understand and respect”.
We actually had a bit of a debate about this with my friends — they think that once you like someone, you should stop seeing other people right away. I see it differently, though, and I feel it’s fine to get to know a few people early on until it feels right to commit. “I wanted to be honest with you about how I approach dating.”
I was curious – what do you all think about exclusivity on a first date? Do you think it’s expected to be exclusive from the start, or is it normal to keep things open until you get to know someone better?
I want to add even on the first date and you like him my friends expect me to stop seeing other men.
Tallspicy
You are overcomplicating it.
What your friends do or dont does not matter. Only what you want to do.
For me:
A. We discusd early what we are looking for generally … by date 3 latest
B. I tell the man early that I date with intention and only have sex with men as part of a growing exclusive relationship. All profiles down etc.
C. We will decide to take that step together when we are ready (and have some sexual activity between bases 1-3). I dont say this, but anyone can date others until that time.No man who ever became my boyfriend waited longer than 4-6 weeks to get to that place.
There is no reason to give that whole speech.
As you your friends, are any in long term solid relationships? Cause that is who you ask.
But i think locking it down without a discussion or knowing if they are doing the same is asking for it to blow up
There is no reason to share what you are doing and with whom. Until you decide together you are single.
Are you in the US? I know in Europe the expectations might be different.
-
AuthorPosts