Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Confused and don't want to overreact
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Julie.
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Amber
Hey all! I’ve been with my partner for 3.5 years. We’ve had our ups and downs but overall we’re happy and sexually into each other. However admittedly our sex life has dried up a bit lately. I suffered a miscarriage 3 months ago and it has affected me quite deeply. We both have children from previous marriages. My eldest is nearly 16, so it’s not like I haven’t experienced the joy of having children. He has two kids, 9 and 6. I’m 40 and he is 45. We wanted to have a baby together but after the miscarriage and the emotions to go with it, he pulled the plug and decided he didn’t want to try afterall. It took me a while to come around…blame it on the hormones! As a result my sexual libido has dropped. When we decided to try I had my IUD removed and now we are back to using condoms until he gets a vasectomy. Butthe whole process of IUD removal, pregnancy, miscarriage ans suddenly nothing has impacted me. I have turned him down a few time with sex and I admit, it’s not ideal.
Anyhow, last night we went out to dinner. When we returned we watched TV in bed and I fell asleep pretty quickly. This morning I was tidying our room and found his boxer shorts under our bed with well…you know what all over it. I asked him and he admitted that he basically went for it right there in bed with me fast asleep next to him.
I didn’t react angrily but I was definitely a bit shocked and he could tell. One thing I did say was hat he should have woken me up and he said that I’m not always in the mood these days. He is worried that I’m angry and he apologized saying that we haven’t had much sex and he felt he needed to to it.
I suppose this is quite normal behavior and I don’t want to feel disappointed and hurt. Any advice/pep talk would be more than welcome.
Ss
Do you honestly think he doesn’t usually masterbate? Most men and a lot of women still masterbate in a relationship… its totally normal to have “alone time”. You were asleep and hadn’t been up for sex much recently so he sorted himself out. Don’t take it as a personal slight to you! It’s normal and I’m sure he’d rather have had the real thing. Just try not to stress about this. You’ve been through an awful lot recently so be kind to yourself x
Liz Lemon
I agree with Ss, masturbation is perfectly normal even in a relationship. It’s not a negative reflection on you, or on the relationship. If anything, it sounds like he was being considerate, letting you sleep & not disturbing you so you could get your rest.
I’m sorry about your miscarriage! That’s really hard. It’s normal for sex to wax and wane in relationships, especially during emotionally trying moments. I hope you are healing, if need be you could seek out therapy to help you process your loss. Take care.
Andrea
He should have at least cleaned up after himself.
Julie
My heart breaks for you and your pregnancy loss, I hope that you’re getting the support you need to process that loss and what it may mean for you.
I wrote a long message and suddenly vanished, so I’ll get right to my point. Having a libido for you is also important and I would invest in bringing that back to life for YOU and your relationship. Mars and Venus in the bedroom is a great start! So many good resources, go to a s ex shop online and purchase an item or two HELP THINGS ALONG.
Your relationship is more than the s ex but it’s a component where you exchange love. Explore why you’re saying no and can you still enjoy the experience of being close even if you’re not in the mood sometimes? Maybe you’ll enjoy being with him and it could get you in the mood – he could probably do more to get you in the mood too – read the book!
And M is super normal in a relationship, for both men and women. That’s not an issue. The issue is that this aspect of your relationship needs some TLC, figuratively and literally. Don’t give up on your libido and the intimacy you too deserve! Big hugs!
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