Confused


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This topic contains 3 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  alia 6 months ago.

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  • #785374 Reply

    Di

    Hi, let me start this from the beginning. This past Christmas when I went back home to visit my family and friends I met a man through one of them. We really hit it off and we went out on 4 dates within 1 week. We did not actually sleep together but we kissed, a lot. I came back to the country where I live and we have been texting every day. He is actually really romantic and in the beginning he was sending me poems every day. We have told each other that we like each other and I have also said that I do not want to date anyone else to which he responded that he felt the same. One week ago I went back home again for a trip I had planned before we met and we said to meet again, even though he was out of the city at the time he arranged to come back saying that he wanted to see me. I obviously appreciated this a lot and this time we did sleep together. He also stood me up for over an hour, wfor good reason, but I would have appreciated a bit more of a heads up and an apology that does not include him excusing himself.

    At this point I have to mention that I have never done long distance before and I have no clue what I am doing. Another thing about me is that I do not appreciate it if I am responding within a good time frame and people do not respond back accordingly…Now I have been sensing that he takes longer than me to respond some times, even though he has been active, giving me a message that I do not really like. Call me selfish but I like the man I am seeing to want to speak to me as much as I want to speak to them. He is a very busy man which I completely respect but that means that when we are not physically in the same country communication is impacted a lot. We have only spoken on the phone whenever he has wanted to do it and whenever I asked him because I wanted to do it he postponed it to the point where we never actually talked until he felt like it again. It started feeling like we were only doing things in his own terms.

    This brings us to 2 days ago. He asked me to speak on the phone but not too late because he would be tired, at this point, being slightly upset I told him that it depends on him when we will speak because I want to speak to him and I create the time to do it if he asks me. He did not appreciate that and said that he does not like that this is the case, I found this a bit confusing but chose not to fret on it too much. I then sent him another message throughout the day to which he did not respond(there was no reason for a response, it was just a song I liked). At 11 o’clock his time he had not called me yet, at this point I thought I would try calling him because otherwise it would indeed be too late. As you can imagine he did not pick up the phone. The next day he tested me good morning saying he was sorry and that his day had been busy and difficult and that he would like to speak to me on this day. I was happy to speak to him but my trust had been shaken, I felt ignored by him and I expressed that, he told me I was making assumptions and he then explained to me the reason why he did not contact me. His reason was very valid but as I told him I had no way of knowing that reason and as a human being I have emotions and I was hoping he would show me the same understanding behaviour that I was asking of him.

    Things seemed very cold after that, this was yesterday. He said that he does not like it that I say some thing depend on him about whether or not we will talk, he says he feels pressure and feels a block, when I asked him what he meant he said to wait until we speak in the weekend and think about things. So…we agreed to speak during the weekend. This weekend I will be going to visit my friend so my time will be limited. I told him that I still wanted to talk but he refused to make a specific appointment saying let’s speak in between certain times becasue he does not want to stand me up. This is another thing that I find a bit frustrating becasue I think that if you want to speak to someone you make the time, you arrange to be free and make that phone call.

    This is a very long story. Question is what do I do now? He seems really distant even though he says he is not upset. I have been there before and my gut is telling me he is pulling away and I don’t want him to but at the same time I need to also be true to myself and be able to speak with him if something is upsetting me. Long distance does not seem easy and it would take some compromises from the both of us and not being able to speak on the phone at a time when he is not tired makes things more difficult, it makes communication harder. At the same time I do think he is an amazing person who is really loving when I am there, I also feel like we are doing everything on his own terms and that now I am too much in my head afraid to be romantic and be as playful as I was before becasue I feel that he feels pressured…

    What do I do????

    #785376 Reply

    Lala

    This isn’t going to work. Long distance is hard and you are being way too demanding. He had a life before he met you, he’s not just going to just drop it to text you back or call you at your convenience. Your demands would be difficult even for a man in your own town to live up to. You’re being unreasonable, you need to chill, big time. I think this one is beyond repair so you best move on and try to figure out why you are so needy of someone’s attention and inflexible with the nature of your communications.

    #785382 Reply

    kaye

    I know it’s very frustrating when at the beginning the guy is sending you poems every day and texting every day, etc. But that is just not sustainable in the long term! When we first meet someone we’re excited and get swept up and it consumes every bit of our free time. But then reality sets in and there is work and bills to pay, groceries to buy, meals to prep, laundry to do, houses to clean, etc. You can’t expect that kind of attention to last!

    And the other vibe I’m getting from you is now that you’ve had sex with him it has increased your expectations. And it shouldn’t!!! You don’t become a girlfriend just because you sleep with a guy! But usually once that happens women start getting needy and insecure and feeling the guy pull back and become distant. It really shouldn’t be this hard to get the guy you’re dating to call you. I get he’s busy and tired…but aren’t we all? When I was dating my husband he was working 80-100 hours a week. He was out of town 3-4 nights a week, and he would start at 5 in the morning and not be done til usually 9 or 10 at night. EVERY SINGLE DAY! And it was an incredibly exhausting job. He was traveling between job sites in multiple states, checking the progress, meeting with the managers, making sure deadlines were being met, dealing with and solving the problems and then driving on to the next site. He might come home for 24-36 hours to deal with work at the home office then turn around and start it all again. And you know what? In all that time only ONCE did he fall asleep and fail to give me a good night call!! People make time for what is important to them. I’m not sure why you have to schedule a phone call. Why can’t you just call each other and talk? It doesn’t have to be an hour phone call. It only takes 5 minutes to tell someone you miss then and find out about their day. Being too tired might be an excuse for one day but it’s not going to fly every single day. And if you’re spending all your time bickering back and forth about being busy, being sorry, being upset, yada yada yada, you’re not having any meaningful conversations to build your relationship. Which is CRUCIAL in a long distance one!

    I’m sorry but I just don’t see this working.  Having to make appointments to speak to your boyfriend is beyond ridiculous to me! What ever happened to calling when you get a chance like during your lunch hour? If they can answer, they answer, if they’re busy they call you later. What is complicated about that? But you two have managed to make it complicated so if you’re getting this upset and wound up this early, I don’t see a future here. You aren’t compatible. 

    #785385 Reply

    alia

    Obviously you shouldn’t have had sex with him after he stood you up for an hour. He was starting distancing behavior even before you slept together. So forget him. Stop texting or calling him. For whatever reason he is not feeling it (and it could be he is defenses and nothing to do with you.)

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