Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Codependent struggling with my break up
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Anna.
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Annabel
This is really difficult to write. I’m merely embarrassed, shamed & lost. I’m filled with guilt & im reaching out because I’m struggling. I’m in therapy before you all suggest this. I’m there right now. I just need a lil comfort, help, advice and a light.
I’m codependent. Struggling to cope with my break up. I have no parents. My friends are all settled down. I attract avoidant men, partly due to my fearful attachment style. I’m learning.
My break up is affecting me. I feel lost, empty & disengaged with everything. Is there any other codependent on here that has turned their life around? Managed to become secure attached? Managed to pick better men and have the healthy relationship they dream of. Or am I doomed to continue a toxic cycle. If there is anyone on here or you know of a friend, can you please share success stories so that I can have hope.
Also I have no boundaries at all. I accept the worst treatment. I don’t know what boundaries really are, can you all tell me your deal breakers so I can list the ones I feel are appropriate for me and work towards never allowing that into my life.
Any small help is appreciated. Just at a really low point and I’m struggling.
alia
Hey, I don’t know if I can offer much help, but I was once codependent and I have now become happily single. I don’t know if that’s of any consolation, but I accept zero mistreatment and most of my interactions with men, however few, are very enjoyable and pleasant. I do not place any expectations on men, and I don’t entertain men unless they insist. If they insist, I entertain them, but the ones that do often reveal they are not ready for anything. I’ve very much focused on my career and friends I already have. So if a man comes along, it’s really just a bonus. It might be my own distancing technique, but that’s where I’ve ended up. I have a lot more control over my life and I think in a good way. I’m definitely happier than I was 4-5 years ago.
Phoebe
I’m in therapy… Have been for a few years. For BPD.
I would choose avoidant men in the past because the ones who seemed into me either repulsed me with their ‘clinginess’ or bored me. There was no ‘chemistry’ with these guys because the ‘chemistry’ was actually my childhood drama rearing its ugly head, i.e., me sensing that this person didn’t value me or didn’t really want me but my subconscious wanted desperately for me to relive my relationship with my parents except with a different outcome with these guys. But of course you never get a different outcome, only the same feelings of not being loved/wanted peppered with the occasional rush of relief when they do throw you a crumb of attention/love here and there. It’s like a roller coaster consisting of he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
A relationship with someone who is able to attach means it’s just he loves me. He loves me. He loves me. Consistently. He is able to show it. It’s never really a question. If he didn’t, he would tell me. He’s not an asshole. If there’s an issue, he would not play with me – he’d just bring it up with me.
So yes there is hope… When you start choosing men who value you. When you reject those that don’t.
Some dealbreakers I have – consistent communication is a must. I don’t trust people who can’t discuss issues – i.e. they are passive aggressive and ignore you or they immediately blame everything on you without owning their own behaviour. There are usually two sides to every story and the least a person can do is validate your point of view, even if they think you are wrong. Accountability, honesty, integrity. Etc etc. Just ask yourself, would I treat this person the way they are treating me? If the answer is no then it’s probably best to walk away.
Lane
I’m a former co-dependent who got sucked up with an alcoholic after 8+ years of marriage and finally walked away after 20+ years!
The BEST thing to do is read “Co-dependent No More…” by Melody Beatty or do a lot of research and find out WHY you fell into that trap because even the most confident and independent people can do it, like myself, so it has nothing to do with a personality trait because its a slow and methodical and before you know it, you take on traits that you never would have if you had “the ‘information—knowledge is power!
The NEXT best thing is to FILL your calendar up with a lot of activities! I found meetup.com to be super helpful as it made me strong, confident and independent as a ‘single person” again and I’m now armed with the intel to not fall into the co-dependent trap again—its work, and setting a lot of boundaries (super helpful) and with time and a lot of self work you can overcome it :o)
Anon
One thing to remember is you are on a journey towards recovery from co-dependency. Many people talk about what they do once they’ve moved on from the relationship. It will take time to heal and be ready to join groups or meet new people- always have patience with yourself.
Anna
Hi Annabel, How are you doing since you posted this? I can relate so much to you. I’m struggling too, to the point I just want to get rid of everything and run home to my parents. I’m 37 and I feel so immature for wanting that. I don’t have any female friends I can lean on even when we aren’t stuck in this isolation. I don’t look forward to the day. I know that him ending the relationship is not about anything I did wrong, but I cannot help feeling abandoned. I can’t get past the thoughts that “He doesn’t want me.” I’m so stuck. I’m practically stalking all the single women I know on social media to see what they do with themselves. I want to reach out to them, but I’m the kind of person that wants to be close best friends right away. Same approach to relationships. I’m not good at the waiting and letting things happen. I’d love to talk more if you’re ever interested. I need help too.
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