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- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Sophia.
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madame
I have some amount of codependency and because of this I get into bad relationships. And to get out of one, I latch myself on to another relationship which may or may not be good for me. I always get people who have potential. I am working on it and my therapist suggested that I need to break this pattern. I am in the middle of a very painful breakup. I am struggling so damn bad that I can’t tell you, since the past 7 months. I have tried everything my therapist suggested, lots of activities and inner work but nothing seems to be working. I seem to be going fine but then the low days begin…I start feeling like I am gonna die without, I start missing him so much my stomach aches, I just can’t bear the separation…..the only way out seems to be to either call him or get into a new relationship. My ex still wants me back as I am the one who dumped him. I just can’t take this, I really don’t want to be this way. Do you guys have any personal experiences or suggestions or books etc that you can suggest, I am so lost…I want to get rid of my codependency and get better for forever. Also, I know that if I get back to my familiar pattern of talking to my ex as well and being in a new relationship, I know I will move on very quickly and with very little damage to myself….but my therapist says that I should address my problems without a guy on my own….I know she is right but just cant seem to bear the low moods….
Raven
So have you caved in & called?
It’s withdrawal symptoms, just like from cigarettes, booze, etc… Detox is hard.
This sounds trite- but one day at a time & lots breathing.
Maddie
Your therapist, and Raven, are right. Part of the reason you experience this is you have difficulty trusting yourself to stand on your own two feet and use relationships as a distraction and bandage. Learning to trust yourself, learning healthy boundaries between you and other people, and pushing through the withdrawal symptoms so that you can better connect with yourself and figure out what the pain is telling you (instead of avoiding it further) are the ways past this. It absolutely sucks and it’s difficult, but it’s also possible to heal. I’d also recommend looking up Thais Gibson and seeing if you relate specifically to either her anxious preoccupied or her fearful avoidant information, and if any of that is helpful to you.
But keep taking it one day at a time, focus on yourself, keep working with and listening to your therapist (the exercises and guidance don’t work over night, but little by little they have an impact), and trust your instinct that running into new relationships won’t help you heal these issues. Taking a break to be single while learning healthier relationship tools and boundaries is worthwhile!
Sophia
Hi. I accidentally wrote my response in the wrong thread!! Oh well. Here it goes (again)!
I went through something similar when my first real boyfriend broke up (it was the dump heard ‘round the world) with me after two years. I was 27 at the time, and I was absolutely distraught over it. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and the emotional pain manifested into a physical longing that I felt in my heart.
Then my sister asked me a question that was pivotal: “Do you really miss HIM, or do you miss being romantically involved with someone?”
As I thought about it, I realized I missed the continuity of being in a relationship. The security of it. It could have been any guy in the “boyfriend” role. Since you broke up with him, I don’t think you’re missing HIM per se.It sucks, but remind yourself why you broke up.
Starting new hobbies didn’t help (oil painting, crochet…) because I was still in my head too much! I discovered hanging out with family and going out to dinner with my girlfriends helped a lot, because I was too busy talking about other things and my heart and mind got a reprieve for a bit.
And slowly but surely I got better. If you can get into another relationship so quickly, I don’t think you’ll have a problem finding a new boyfriend.
But before you do, do this work. For yourself. Live life on your terms, standing on your own two feet and making it. It’s amazing how good you’ll feel in your confident self. Do the work. You’re worth it.
(and go out with your girlfriends more! you’ll be laughing in spite of yourself!You got this. 💛
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