Can you be Friends with Someone you Had Feelings for?


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 5 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #790206 Reply

    Leo

    Hey,

    Have any of you successfully gotten back to being “just friends”, platonic friendship without any FWB or anything romantic, after you realised that only you liked him, he didn’t like you romantically, or when you realised a romantic relationship with him might not be possible for whatever reason?

    Has it happened to you, where you ended or shut all your feelings because logically it didn’t work out, and then started being good friends with a guy again, and you were happy you decided to get back together as friends?

    #790208 Reply

    J123

    Yes, I had a crush on man for some time.

    The dynamic is completely platonic now (has been for years).

    There’s no romantic feelings on either side.

    #790211 Reply

    Leo

    Hey, that’s good to know. In this case, it was so sudden

    – We haven’t met once yet (met only on a dating app),
    – Were chatting for 2-3 months after agreeing to be just friends because I wanted a long term relationship and he said he isn’t ready for a relationship,
    – and he’d already invited me to come over to his place a few times, but I didn’t take it seriously (2.5 hours travel, plus I saw him as just a friend),
    – suddenly one day (I blame the lack of work in lockdown, LoL), I start feeling sexually attracted to him, then I text and call him a lot, but he rarely responds,
    – so I felt very bad, and cut it off last week.

    Now after contemplating a lot, he and I will never get into a romantic relationship and I don’t want it either. He’s too different from me. Too aloof for me.

    So I’m considering getting in touch with him again (as of now, I feel neutral about him, nothing attractive or bad),

    So should I break the silence and tell him if he wants, we can be friends or should I just not get in touch with him at all?

    #790212 Reply

    Raven

    So you want a sexting buddy?

    #790217 Reply

    J123

    If you think you can manage being platonic friends without romantic feelings then I see no harm remaining on friendly terms. But it should remain platonic now that you know where he stands.

    #790219 Reply

    Ss

    You’ve never met the guy?!!! I’m a bit thrown as why you are even bothering to wonder about being friends since you don’t actually know him?

    In answer to your query, yes its possible. I dated a guy for a couple of months. I really liked him, it was going well. We got on great and just connected so much mentally. However, we had sex and it didn’t really do it for me. I still liked him so tried again. Still not working for me- we were a complete sexual mismatch, but we just got on so well.

    I think he felt the same so I suggested we switch things up and just be friends. I was still attracted to him and felt disappointed it wasn’t meant to be relationship wise but we’ve been friends for a year now and he is honestly a really valued friend. We usually meet for coffee at least once a week, we go on friends dates and stay in touch messaging or calling. It is purely platonic but we had to work on that a bit at first and set very clear boundaries.

    The first friends date was weird, he thought i was flirting and i absolutely wasn’t. We both felt a bit confused because there was still attraction.

    So, yes its possible but boundaries are key. I don’t send flirty pics or memes, we don’t talk about sex, we don’t flirt and we are honest with each other.

    He is such a great friend, I really value him but neither of us harbour any desire for more. We’ve never hooked up or kissed or anything like that since being friends even when we are both single.

    For switching to friends to work you need to genuinely want to be just friends and not have romantic feelings and be trying to stick around in the hope the guy realises how great you are.

    #790221 Reply

    Leo

    Not a sexting buddy. But I want things to be how it was before I developed this attraction for him out of the blue.

    I did everything I could to try and get over my feelings for him – deleted all his photos (he’s just a normal, nice guy, but I suddenly felt as though he was the most handsome dude, so I had saved screenshots :P), deleted our chat history, avoided talking to him, spoke to a few friends who would listen, …

    Now, I realise it was just fleeting emotions. I just miss how he used to make me laugh.

    When I told him I wanted to end things last week, he coolly said something like, “look, I’m not looking for FWB, I can’t prove it to you virtually. I can only say. But I don’t compel you to believe. It’s your call. If being friends also makes you uncomfortable, then that’s fine. No, I’m not feeling bad. And you should also stop overthinking.”

    I was angry that if he liked me as a friend, 1) why would he show so much curiousity in knowing about my dating life, my likes and dislikes in men, which crush I’m talking to and who I stopped dating, how far those dates went, etc. 2) but still never share anything about the women he liked or wants to date or anything? Is that even friendship? I thought he was too aloof for me. It all felt so one-sided.

    But again, he’s given me good advice when it comes to dating, works hard and is inspiring, and understands my silly sense of humour and makes me laugh like a child …

    I think I don’t have feelings for him now. Will we work out as friends or not is something I don’t know.

    So give it a try or let it go? Risk it or leave it?

    #790222 Reply

    cupcake

    This is someone you haven’t met and are most likely not ever going to meet? So what’s the point? You are just going to add completely unnecessary stress to your life, because i can tell from the way you write, you are no where near being able to keep this platonic.

    #790224 Reply

    Leo

    If a friendship is possible, I can visit him after the lockdown, and he comes to my city once in a few months, so we can stay in touch.

    He seems pretty chilled. He just doesn’t open up emotionally (which used to piss me off).

    So if I extend an invitation for us to be friends and just friends, he might be cool with it.

    Or it gets over here. Just delete his number, stop thinking about him, and just move on.

    #790225 Reply

    Raven

    Let it go…
    You’re wanting something to come from this… Why?!

    #790228 Reply

    Leo

    In all honesty, I’m a super friendly person. Extroverted, outgoing, cheerful.

    And I cut it off with two so called best friends last year because they were way too toxic – I’d not recommend them as friends for anyone I know. After 15 + years of bring friends. (I’m mostly over this now. No regrets or bad feelings.)

    So I guess I’m open to and looking for good friends, really.

    He was just a nice guy who could make me laugh and won’t act like a jerk, so I want to keep him in my life?

    I can’t find any other answer.

    #790229 Reply

    cc

    If he lives so far away, i dont think it’s a good idea to start a friendship. Unless you want a kind of ‘online-friend’. but if he would live close to you that would be completely possible. Nothing wrong with being friends :)

    #790230 Reply

    Leo

    Makes sense, yeah.

    #790237 Reply

    J123

    I personally haven’t befriended anyone off of a dating app but that’s not to say it doesn’t or can’t happen.

    Since you’re already on a dating app and actively dating then I think that’s where your main focus should be. You can do that and still be open to a friendship/friendships.

    #790239 Reply

    Anon 2

    For one thing…you’ve never met and for another..you’ve never met so it’s always just been online. From the way you spoke it seemed like you were in a relationship with this person when it’s just been online and your talk8ng about deleting his photos etc???, Try having a long term relationship, having loads of photos of the two of you together them breaking up and seeing if it’s possible to be friends.

    #790241 Reply

    Newbie

    No this is silly. Yes you can become friends when it didnt work out romantically. I did it a few times. But you need to have a basis. Youre not asking this because you want a friend, youre asking because you still want to become part of his life since you developed a crush. You have an agenda. But loook at him: he is on a dating site for hook ups. He doesnt even pretend he is serious. Thats you line to move on, not to get obsessed with him. He is probably not even single but using lock down time for some entertainment

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