Boyfriend's daughter and me staying over at his place


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This topic contains 61 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lynn 1 month ago.

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  • #790938 Reply

    Lynn

    Hi ladies,

    I need some point if view and advice please.

    I have dated my boyfriend for 14 months. We live 45 minutes away from each other. I have a minor son, who is with me every day of the week except for Wednesday and Friday. Because of both of our work schedules and my son, we barely spend time with each other. We talk/text almost every day. He has a 23 year old daughter living with him to attend grad school.

    Tonight during our texting, I asked if we could be together this coming Friday. He said he didn’t know his daughter’s schedule and whether she’d be home or not. I asked “why do we have to hide. Why can’t I come by when she’s there?” It took him a while and finally he said “I don’t think she likes you. I don’t know why. Just being honest.” It took me by surprise because I met her 3 times and she always seemed friendly with me. Also he told me she liked me before so either he lied to me before or lies to me now. He then said I’m reserved and she’s a wild child like him so she doesn’t relate. I was upset because I felt he didn’t protect me but instead chose her side by refusing to have me there. I went on and asked if because of her opinion, he doesn’t see a future with me. He said that statement made him upset. I also said I am who I am and I won’t change to fit his family’s expectation and if he doesn’t see us compatible, I want him to be honest and let me know instead of stringing me along. He’s upset and said he didn’t want to argue. I said I wasn’t arguing. I was just expressing my concern and if he didn’t want to talk tonight, I want him to make time and talk another day because it’s important to me and I don’t want to just sweep things under the rug.

    His response was today he thought about how lucky he was to have me in his life but he’s tired of all the ugly arguments (Yes, we do argue a lot). He said he’s going to bed sad and that’s not right. Okay, he’s sad but what about me? He didn’t assure me of anything to make me feel better. Now I’m feeling insecure. I feel I’m not important enough for him to let his daughter know I wouldn’t go anywhere and she needed to get used to me. I start thinking about leaving. Am I wrong here? Did I overreact?

    #790939 Reply

    Lynn

    Sorry I don’t like the title but can’t change it.

    #790940 Reply

    Dyanne

    Why do you argue so much? Do you solve the arguments by talking and reaching a mutual understanding or do you just end the fight angry/sad eithiut any resolution? I feel there’s something deeper here than his daughter (not) liking you and him lying about it (whether when he said she did or now when he said she didn’t)

    #790941 Reply

    Dyanne

    Edut:”without any resolution”

    #790953 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont see the two of you as very compatible long term on different levels.
    – you barely make time for each other so no real bonding is taking place here
    – you have different characters, where you are kind of rigit and he is more relaxed. Which shouldnt be a problem but if he adresses that as in a simple explanation why his daughter doesnt like you, you go right to his throat and make it about him not defending you. Come on, seriously? You are that easily hurt?
    – you fight a lot when you dont even spend a lot of time together
    – he makes zero effort to integrate you in his life with his daughter
    – its already going on 14 months. It looks casual not a relationship. Sorry
    I feel there is more about the fighting that shows you are not compatible

    #790955 Reply

    Lane

    This sounds like an FWB as you didn’t refer to him as you BF, Beau, SO, etc. That alone tells me there hasn’t been any progression or integration, and he is intentionally keeping you at arms length emotionally; and only wants to play with you when it fits into his schedule.

    I would stop being so combative and argumentative with him. Seriously, why should he stick up or defend you against his daughter? His daughter will ALWAYS be his number 1, as any child should be, whereas if you’re going to try to turn this into a competition you will lose. The fact you’ve only seen his daughter a few times in the past 14 months, and live that close to each other is very telling. Heck, I’ve seen my BF’s daughter more than you have and she lives on the other side of the country!

    Sorry but he is never going to commit to you. A man doesn’t *owe* you anything. If the man is coming up with all kinds of excuses or reason to keep you out of his life; then its on YOU to put your boots on and walk away from it. He’s not holding a gun to your head, nor is he obligated to do anything more than what HE wants to do, or is doing, solely because YOU let him. Just because you have weak boundaries and allow it to gone the way it is, is not giving him any incentive to change because he knows you’ll just gobble up any crumb (excuse) he throws your way. Only birds eat crumbs. Smart women only accept the whole enchilada, plus the cake too!

    #790957 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    How old is your son? Has your boyfriend met him yet? Are you not comfortable having your boyfriend over with your son there? (even if he doesn’t sleep over).

    By 14 months, your boyfriend could come over and the two of you could spend time together along with your son (going for pizza or ice cream, trips to the zoo or movies, just eating dinner together at home, whatever).

    It sounds like after 14 months you two are not making an effort to integrate each other into your lives. I have to agree with all of Newbie’s points too. It’s been over a year, but you barely make efforts to see each other; and you fight a lot even though you hardly see each other. None of that sounds like a relationship with a solid future. If he’s using the excuse that his grown daughter doesn’t like you as a reason not to see you, he’s not serious about you.

    #790964 Reply

    Anon

    It sounds like this may be a relationship at his convenience- when he wants it, how he wants it, etc. I’ve been in this where you don’t feel like a priority and all I can say is that is why you probably argue a lot. You probably like to make plans and he doesn’t really put in much effort, but then calls the shots. His daughter, his work, his friends- most likely everything else will be a priority. I would make other plans and let him step up- the arguing most likely about something bigger than just his daughter.

    #790970 Reply

    Lynn

    Thank you ladies for your input.

    Annon, you’re absolutely right. The arguments have mostly been because he’s too busy and doesn’t make time for me. He has a business that is struggling and he hasn’t had an income since November last year. He says he wishes he had a gf that was more supportive and understanding than me who wants to point out all his flaws (I complain about how he doesn’t make plans, etc.)

    Lane, I thought he was serious about me. I never thought we were FWB. He has introduced me to all his kids, his sister and her husband, his friends, and brother whom he is very close to and the brother adores me. Sometimes he calls his brother when I’m around and we talk. He introduced me to some of his business relations and employees. He has told his mom about me but we haven’t met. They live 2 hours away and his dad’s health doesn’t allow them to visit. When my bf goes see them, it’s mostly on holidays because he’s otherwise busy and on those days, I am with my family. In fact, he asked his mom for help to pick out a present for me for Xmas so I’m not a secret

    I introduced him to some of my friends and family members but haven’t brought him to any family events.

    Liz, yes, he met my son. We talked about playing tennis and golf together after the lockdown is over.

    I am very confused. Not sure if I should walk away. We had broken up in the past but he always tried to win me back. If I do it this time, it has to be real and that’s it. All the people I met (even his business’s landlaord) tell me how lucky I am to have him because he’s a very genuine and honest person. They also say he’s lucky to have me because I’m pretty, smart and very sweet. I came from another country and although being here for a long time but as an introvert, i haven’t been very social so maybe there’s something about the Anerican dating culture I don’t understand?

    #790971 Reply

    Anon

    What if you don’t contact him to make any plans? Would he still contact you? Like I sad before, I would step back from this relationship and give it a lot of space. This is a perfect time to do this as most people are under quarantine and you can’t go anywhere anyways. However, if this relationship is upsetting to you- end it because he’s not going to change until he wants to change.

    #790972 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i understand youre confused. Just a few things before you make up your mind. Never fight over texts. Besides the fact its juvenile it doesnt resolve anything. If you feel he doesnt make plans with you discuss ot face to face. Also a talk about the future is a face to face talk.
    His friends and family knowing you says very little about his investment level. I can understand that when you have done the marriage and kids already. He seems to blame his business for his lack of making plans and even blame you for not supporting him. Besides the fact that this sounds very familiar like you posted about him before, its also not fair on his part.
    Bottom line, you cant argue anyone im spending more time with him. I dont even understand why he cant come to your place since his daughter can take care of himself. To me it really looks like its all on his terms like anon said. And you should find out what you want for yourself

    #790973 Reply

    Newbie

    Is there an age difference? He could just want a lat relationship one night a week and thats it.

    #790975 Reply

    mama

    Newbie is right — don’t argue over text. Try not to argue over the phone as well. Face to face is best in resolving and working things out. Maybe make time to go out for a walk or something so you don’t spend time around the daughter.

    As for him making his daughter a priority and not putting you first: It’s not a competition, please don’t make him set it up that way because you will LOSE.

    You might want to listen and pay attention when he says things like he wants a more supportive girlfriend. It sounds like you spend your time thinking and saying all the ways he fails you. :(

    #790977 Reply

    Lane

    I responded to the information you initially provided, and it still sounds more like an FWB, not a progressive loving long-term relationship to me. Even with your second post its clear that you’re growing apart; he’s all talk and no action. You are in the only one in boxing ring fighting for this relationship while he’s standing of it avoiding all the punches.

    I am in a long-term loving relationship with a man who tells and shows me every single day, through words and action, how much he loves and wants to be with me. I have zero doubts, absolutely 100% secure and safe in our relationship because he’s never waivered once, in the past three plus years. We never engage in arguments because we have nothing to argue about, well other than my driving but he sucks as a passenger lol. We’ve had a few minor disagreements but we just agree to disagree and move onto a different topic we are happy to talk about—easy peasy.

    So, the short answer is: He’s not stepping up in any meaningful way; is blaming you for whatever’s going on with him; and is shutting you out of his life. That’s not the pathway to a long-term partnership but the short road to dissolution (breakup).

    #790980 Reply

    Lynn

    Thank you all again for your réponses.

    No, there’s no big age gap. Hezs 8 years my senior.

    Yes, we fight a lot over text. I know it’s not a good thing but I can’t control. I haven’t gotten better but we still do.

    I’ll give this some more thought but I’m leaning towards walking away because I have expressed my dissatisfaction of us not spending time together and he hasn’t stepped up. There are other guys who want to go out with me but I thought he’s a great guy and I have been loyal to him. Perhaps I should consider other options.

    Again, thank you all for your input.

    #790981 Reply

    Newbie

    Im never In favour of steering towards a break up when its already over 1 year, and your question wasnt even about that but i still stand by what i said.
    Maybe you should make a list about whats so great about him towards you because i have a hard time seeing it:
    – he doesnt want to make frequent plans
    – you fight a lot about you wanting more
    – he is fed up with the fighting (as should you btw) but doesnt own his part)
    – he cant get his business under control and blames you for lack pf support
    – you feel he doesnt have your back but his daughters (i dont agree with you here but its what you felt)
    – he says youre a dudd

    Anyway, good luck deciding. You dont need to be rash. You can take anon first step: do nothing

    #790982 Reply

    Paige

    What Lane said:

    “Seriously, why should he stick up or defend you against his daughter? His daughter will ALWAYS be his number 1, as any child should be, whereas if you’re going to try to turn this into a competition you will lose.”

    1) His child should always come first, regardless of age.

    2) You’re an adult. Behave like one. Stop thinking everything is all about you.

    3) Try reversing the situation:

    In this scenario, your son is 21. He lives with you full-time, making occasional overnight visits to his father’s house.

    Your boyfriend is pushing you to let him spend the night with you on Monday night.

    You don’t feel comfortable having sex/sleeping with a man other than your son’s father while your child is in the same house. You know that even if you gave in to your boyfriend’s request, you’d be unable to relax and enjoy your time together because of your son’s presence.

    OR

    You’re perfectly fine with his staying over, but your son would feel awkward about knowing that another man is in bed with his mother – and it’s HIS home, not your boyfriend’s.

    OR

    Because your son was raised right, he has been perfectly pleasant to your boyfriend, even though he doesn’t like him very much at this point in time and would find having him in the house overnight difficult.

    What choice do you make?

    1) You tell your son, “Hey, kid – this is Mommy’s boyfriend and I don’t care how you feel about it – he’s staying over tonight. He’s not sleeping on the sofa. He’s not sleeping in the guest room. You’re big enough to know that he’s going to sleep in my bed – with me – and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else tonight. My wants are more important than yours.”

    2) You tell your boyfriend, “The Boy [which is your son’s name in this example] isn’t really comfortable enough to have you stay over while he’s home. Do you think we can plan a sleepover on one of his Dad’s nights?”

    Life changes when you have a child. You no longer come first. Your spouse no longer comes first (much less a boyfriend). Your child comes first. Forever.

    #790983 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Why can’t your boyfriend come stay at your house on Friday, when your son isn’t there? His daughter is 23, she doesn’t need him to be home all night.

    I agree you should never make a competition between your partner’s child and yourself. However, I think what he said/did was hurtful. Why would you text your partner “I don’t think my daughter likes you”? First of all, he THINKS, he doesn’t know; second of all, up to this point he told you that his daughter actually DID like you. So what happened? If there is truly a problem, he should talk to you about it in person. And I’m speaking as a parent of an older child (late teens/college age). He likes my boyfriend and they get along great, but if he didn’t, I certainly wouldn’t casually shoot that off in a text to my boyfriend.

    I do agree with the point of not having sleepovers even with older kids in the house; I don’t have my boyfriend sleep over when my son is home for that reason, I stay at his house. So I don’t see why your boyfriend can’t just come to your house, if his daughter is home.

    #790984 Reply

    Shazel

    Hi Lynn

    I agree that breaking up may be a bit harsh…in your post it seems both of you have “issues” you need to work on. Your communication and how you express your disappointment with him making time for you is definitely something you need to work on. First I want to say that having limited time to see someone does suck, I myself have 2 kids and my free nights are Fridays, Sunday and Monday that schedule can get tangled if my boyfriend isn’t available so there needs to be compromise and understanding. I would like to say that the issue with the daughter was a bit off for me ….I don’t understand why he would say I don’t think she likes you much. That was a stinger and it could be possible she did like you at one point and now she is being a bit more judging. However, in that sense you should of have tried to get more insight on why she feels that way..and you could’ve suggested well maybe I can spend more time with her to see if we can find similar things we like. I agree that your child is #1 but I don’t agree that a person should allow a child (adult since she is 21) to determine who they spend time with unless your an abusive or horrible person. IMO I would take some time to really re-connect with yourself and him in a more calm manner. Instead of arguing and criticizing because you stated that is what he is saying you do about his business instead of being supportive…is to try and listen to him instead of critiquing his flaws. I don’t think unless you truly feel unhappy that this is a lost relationship..and he is not going to want to spend time with you if your fighting all the time with him. I know your frustrated because your time is limited but you need to figure out if this is a relationship worth saving.

    #790986 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I called bull honky on the daughter comes first. Comes first does not equal no boundaries or indulging her in acting like a child.

    She is a grown a$$ adult. And she’s living her fathers house as an adult, which is something that is very nice of him to do but also means that it is his house. I do not believe in any world that he should indulge his daughter and not liking his girlfriend and therefore he never has her over. When we are adults we sometimes have to spend time with people we don’t like. And it is appropriate for him to say that to his daughter. The fact that he isn’t means that he has no ability to deal with conflict. In fact in general he seems to be incapable of dealing with conflict, this is a guy who seems nice. But is nice enough?

    My guess is this guy is highly sensitive to anything he perceived as nonsupport. As in any type of pushing towards a compromise.

    Step back, let him do the work, if he is not by 1 month. Dump him.

    #790987 Reply

    kaye

    I’m not going to address all of your point because you’ve had several people do that already. I will say what stands out to me is the fact you’ve been dating over a year and haven’t met his parents yet who ONLY live 2 hours away!  I don’t get from your original post whether you just want to come by for a visit while his daughter is there (meaning you drive an hour and a half round trip) or you’re planning to spend the night. If you’re wanting to stay the night I can see an issue and the point Paige is trying to make. But if his daughter lives with him, how is it you’ve only met her 3 times in 14 months? That’s hardly enough for the two of you to get to know each other. My take is because he’s not integrating you with his family, considering you haven’t even met his parents  she doesn’t feel like he’s serious about you and feels no need to get to know you. But at the same time you’re not bringing him to your family events or letting him spend significant amounts of time with your son.

    You live 45 minutes from each other so it’s an hour and a half round trip. Assuming he works during the week, and would have to commute an extra 45 minutes to work if he stayed at your place Wednesday means Friday nights are the only night you two have to spend together where he could come over and stay. So I don’t understand why the two of you just don’t have a standing date night for Friday nights?

    I don’t think this issue needs to be swept under the rug because it is much bigger than just his daughter’s opinion and it greatly affects your long term compatibility and future.  When my husband and I were first dating he was incredibly busy and spent significant time dealing with issues in his business. Not financial issues, like it struggling, but juggling everything to make it work, run smoothly, coordinating all his jobs and putting out all the fires that popped up. He worked twice the hours most people worked in a week!

    But I WAS supportive, understanding, and I didn’t point out the fact he never made plans because I had just left a job where I was working 80 hour weeks for months and barely had time to keep my head above water! I mean he always wanted to spend time with me when he could, but he was just trying to get through a 14-16 hour work day so he wasn’t thinking about what restaurant to take me to or what movie I might want to see or planning some weekend trip away.  So I took over making the plans and he was fine with that. I would say “Why don’t we make reservations at our favorite restaurant for Saturday night?” or “Let’s go see that movie we talked about on Sunday afternoon?” And he would do his best to work it into his schedule.

    But I was also fine if we were just doing Netflix and Chill or having drinks around the firepit. Some of my favorite nights when we were dating is when he would fall asleep in my lap watching a movie because he had been up since 4 in the morning and was worn out. Just knowing he felt so safe and relaxed with me. And all these years later I still love for him to do that! If it were me before I just decided to throw in the towel and walk away I would have a serious conversation with him. Because at 14 months in my husband and I were already talking the future, marriage, whose house we would move into, which one we would rent out, etc. The two of you don’t seem anywhere close to that. And there is no use wasting your time if that is your ultimate goal and he’s not seeing it.

    #790991 Reply

    Lynn

    Paige, thanks for putting things in perspective. And no, I’m not trying to compete with his daughter. It may appear that way from what I wrote but that’s not the case at all. I have a son and he always comes first so I understand. My issue is I hope he would at least tell his daughter I’m his gf so I’d be around (not necessarily sleep over). One time he came over to my house and my teenage niece didn’t like him and said why I’m with him because he looks much older than me, I told her to be respectful because he’s my bf. I would like something like that from him regarding his daughter. And to Paige, if he explained to me his daughter was uncomfortable having me sleep over, I’d be okay but his reason was very hurtful like Liz and Shazel said.

    He doesn’t spend the night at my house because my adult niece lives with me. She’s here to save money to buy a house . I tell him it’s okay for him to spend the night but I don’t think he’s comfortable.

    I admit I fight too much with him. I have tried to be more supportive and when I do, he becomes more loving but when he’s busy and doesn’t spend time with me, I get upset and fight again. Maybe I didn’t realize I’ve been difficult. I’ll step back and see what he does. Also like some of you said this is a good time for that. I need to look at myself too and see whether a lot of this arises from my own insecurity.

    Thanks again ladies!

    #791026 Reply

    Lane

    Tall, you don’t have any children so I’m unsure why you are taking such an opposing position. I do, and you have no idea how easily minor or adult children can make or break a relationship. Its not much different than having “in-laws” who don’t like or get along with an SO, whereas it can add a whole lot of stress and strain on a couple, especially when it comes to being able to fully integrate.

    Trust me, you have no idea how MISERABLE adult family members can have on a relationship. So what if they are adults. The daughter, and OP’s niece are ALLOWED to feel what they feel. To say his daughter’s education and her being comfortable in her own home, should be less important to him than a GF’s feelings is hogwash. He’s not done ‘parenting’ yet, nor do you ever stop parenting just because they become adults—its a life long job. So what if she’s wild? I’ve seen mature adult professional children fully disassociate themselves from a parent solely because of their SO. Sorry, but my priority will always be to my children, and I as a parent, *I* get to CHOSE that for myself—the rest can suck it.

    Trust me, if my sons and my immediate family members didn’t like my BF, or his daughter and his immediate family members didn’t like me, we would not be together. I’ve personally witnessed how miserable it can make relationships/marriages when primary family members (children, siblings, parents, etc.) don’t like someone’s SO. They can’t go to family functions together, or enjoy weddings, births, birthdays, holidays, etc. without a lot of angst, or their SO feeling ‘left out’ as families often stick together even if they don’t have an issue them, because they want to avoid any family drama. This is a major part of integrating one’s lives together, and if your children or close/primary family members don’t like, get long with or want to be around a BF/GF/SO/SPOUSE, it can add a lot of strain om a couple which often evolves into fights and arguments, like this one is going through.

    There are too many negative dynamics and hurdles at play here IMO, which is why the relationship has stalled, and has been going in the opposite direction (regressed) since last Nov. (based on her second post). He keeps throwing in more wrenches (obstacles), not trying to fix it, but alienating her further. What I do know is that if a man is not willing to fight for the relationship and find solutions to issues that arise with in it, so that the relationship can thrive and survive, its not going to last long. When the man ‘gives up’ (checks out) the fight is over.

    #791028 Reply

    Anon

    Lynn, as I’ve said before- you have a right to your opinion and I would be irritated that I’m not a priority in my bf’s life and you appear to be in an unhealthy cycle of getting upset- he briefly changes- he goes back to his ways- you get upset. You may decide this doesn’t work for you. It’s not men who get to determine when they give up on a relationship- it’s always 2 people in a relationship and while my kids play a huge importance, they don’t control or know everything. You are the older adult with life experience to make your decisions and sometimes it’s not one that the kids like. I have seen successful relationships with significant others that were not initially accepted by the family, the world does not operate in absolutes.

    #791032 Reply

    Lynn

    I have thought about this the last two days. I was sad and took a day off yesterday. We will see each other this weekend and I will talk to him CAMLY (I’m trying to change how I communicate with him) about a lot of the things that you ladies pointed out here. I will tell him if he can’t make me a priority in his life and does not do anything to change the situation between me and his daughter and family (more integration) I will walk away. Of course, there are works on my part too. I need to change how I communicate with him, not fighting over text (I was so impulsive and wanted to do it last night but remember what you ladies said so I controlled myself. It’s hard but I did it), and integrate him into my family if he does his.

    This is a great forum. I so appreciate you ladies take time to help me and other people. Love. :-)

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