This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Concerned for All Involved 1 month, 1 week ago.
October 26, 2014 at 6:12 am #370771
I have been dating a guy with ADHD for 6 months. He is very affectionate, caring, and helpful and all. Everything is great. However, there are times when I consider him going back to his cave – no texting at all for 3-4 days.
Now it’s coming back again. He just said he misses me and asking how I’ve been doing 3-4 days ago. I replied and asked how he’s doing but total silent. I know his face is glued to his phone most of the time. I know he’s online on Facebook and stuff.
It frustrated me because, to me, it’s so obvious he has been ignoring me.
Whenever I confronted him about this, he said he’s busy/stressed with work or been sleeping most of the time. But come on…no time to at least say hi?
I thought I should maybe ask on Texting Advice thread but I also need some tips on dating an ADD/ADHD guy. I want to understand him and don’t want to take it personally. Are there anything else I should expect coming from ADD/ADHD guy? Is there anything I could do to support him or to improve our relationship?
Thank you so much!October 26, 2014 at 6:18 am #370773
Stop trying so hard. You don’t have to support him or improve the relationship. You’re not his mommy or his therapist. Whether he’s ADD or not, you have standards. Or you should do.
Why do you need to have his approval so badly that you sit and wait for texts??
Everything you need to know is in Eric’s posts on texting.
with love, StefanieOctober 26, 2014 at 7:29 am #370781
Thank you for your response, Stefanie.
I do enjoy my life and go out with friends almost everyday.
I wish I could stop caring but I just miss him.October 26, 2014 at 7:31 am #370782
I understand how that feels.
How often do you see him?October 26, 2014 at 8:12 am #370786
Normally, at least once a week.
But I’ve been busy and haven’t seen him almost 2 weeks.October 26, 2014 at 8:32 am #370791
It’s OK to miss him. Haven’t seen mine in two weeks and I miss him too.October 26, 2014 at 10:43 am #370800
Those are not signs of ADHD.
Signs include lack of dependability, inability to manage finances, never finishing projects, inability to listen or pay attention to you. Look it up online.
This man is simply being rude to you.
Is he you bf? Because disappearing for 4 days would be a deal breaker, whether he has ADHD or not.
And if he does, is he being treated for it?
Read up, because if he does have ADHD your life will be miserable.. You will always be picking up the slack and carrying the relationship. I know… I have experienced this first hand.October 26, 2014 at 10:44 am #370801
People with ADHD also tend to self medicate… Especially with marijuana, as it slows down their thoughts.October 26, 2014 at 11:35 am #370811
What LA Girl says is true. I married a man with ADHD and struggled during our 17 year marriage. He is charismatic, witty, and smart. Very attractive qualities to me. But he would have a hard time keeping a steady job, was flakey with everyone, and always had grandiose plans for the future which he couldn’t see to completing. And the self-medicating thing with pot is true in my experience.
If someone knows they have ADHD and takes healthy steps to manage it, it can be better. In my case, he didn’t want to do that and it affected our relationship to the point I left him.October 26, 2014 at 12:02 pm #370815
My fwb claims he has ADHD since childhood and that when he was put on medication he sufered a lot cause it made him sluggish. Now that he s been smoking pot daily since 15 years, he says Its much better, helps him relax, sleep better, organize his thoughts. He says he is not addicted but that the life wouldnt be the Same without it. But then again, he sometimes gets these bouts of anger for no apparent reason or for a reason which is not worth it, so i wonder if thats the consequence or withdrawal symptom. Not sure if there is a natural cure for ADHD or if Its even a ‘real’ disease, or simply a way to call insecure nervous people..October 26, 2014 at 1:12 pm #370828
People with ADHD can have bouts of rage and anger. Mine did. He became abusive, both verbally and physically.
The marijuana thing made it worse. He was addicted and while it kept him calmer, it lowered his ability even more to be able to complete things or be motivated. It was a nightmare…
Be careful… Women tend to feel they can fix men or are obligated to understand these things… Don’t get yourself caught up in all that thinking.. Look out for your own best interests. If this man is flaking now, trust me, it will only get worse.October 26, 2014 at 2:08 pm #370833
I am curious about this topic, since my man told me he has ADHD too.
Relationship wise he is doing fine because he really gives me a lot of love, never goes MIA, completely stopped drinking socially for a while when I told him my ex drank excessively. We met oversea and he wants to get me an immigrant visa. He is never good at dealing with paperwork and all those bureaucratic crap, but he tries his best a even I need to help him with organizing sometimes.
He said he did have some anger issues as a teen, especially he was bullied for his smaller built, but his dad took him to gym and he learned martial art. Working out is a good way to regulate minds I think.
I am now more concerned about his career. He majors in art and loves to create, getting really hyper when he is full of ideas. He would tell me all those projects he wants to do but changes directions completely next month. He says all I need to do is trust him because he wants to take care of me, but the worrier in me is scared that his ADHD will be an issue. (He has a stable 9 to 5 job now, but he doesn’t like it)October 26, 2014 at 4:12 pm #370853
Definitely read up and their are blog support groups for people, both men and women who have been and are in relationships with a person who has ADHD. The stories are all similar and frightening.
There are ways to work with him at organizing , etc, but what tends to happen is that you basically become the ‘mom’… Many people with children say their spouse with ADHD is like having another child.October 26, 2014 at 8:18 pm #370909
My ADHD ex always said he wanted to take care of me and have me stay at home with the kids. Well he ended up hating working for others so he started his own company and I had to step in and help while I was working FT and raising our two kids because his income was inconsistent. He ALWAYS had an excuse, other than himself, why things wouldn’t turn out the way he planned.
Because of his flakiness, I ended up being the breadwinner, managing the house, taking care of the kids and all their activities, cooking, cleaning etc. So yes, I became his mom. And then he wasn’t happy and started relationships with other women behind my back. When I found out because he was bad at covering his tracks, I was devastated and then left. So that was my marriage. I’m 2 years out of it and I will NEVER date an ADHD man again. I have peace in my life! No offense to anyone who has it, but that experience has soured me. During my dating phase, I met a guy I was very attracted to and we went on several dates. And then it clicked, he was similar to my ex and I asked if he has ADHD. He was shocked I could tell and said he did and always had to struggle with it. That was our last date, I just couldn’t do it.
If there’s a forum for just ADHD, that’s good. I didn’t ever get advice or help until after I left him and realized what a mess he was.June 13, 2016 at 7:03 am #539854
I have adhd and I’ve had trouble with relationships because of it. My ex girlfriends could never deal with my constant lateness and financial instability. Talking to my mum I found out that part of the reason she’s so angry all it time is that she has years of resentment towards my dad (who also had ADHD) because she never felt that she was supported in the relationship, and that she had to work full time, look after kids ,cook and manage the finances while my dad was essentially another kid that needed looking after (although he did manage to hold down a decent steady job – so was atypically ADHD in that way).
I’m not so optimistic about my future relationships. Dependability is apparently the most important character trait when it comes to relationships.June 13, 2016 at 8:21 am #539861
I raised a son with ADHD…he had it heavy.
Two things are key for an adult. The recognition of the difficulties and the honest effort to help yourself.
First is to understand that you are not functioning as other people. You need assistance to deal with that. While street drugs may seem like an answer it is the easy way out and also is illegal. If I were you I would try different medications under a doctor’s care to help yourself. Do not get discouraged and give up with one or two trials (hallmark of ADD) but continue to work with different medications until you find one that helps you the best.
Also, there are tricks to assist you. My son loved to wear a watch with an alarm to remind him of different things…now he uses his smart phone to remind him of different obligations and activities…his short term memory is poor…but he found an aid he can work with.
Join a ADD group…believe me it can make a difference with insight into what is happening to you and how to cope along with understanding and tricks to assist.
These things can make a big difference for you and your self esteem.June 13, 2016 at 9:09 am #539864
I’m sorry so many women posting on here have had such difficult experiences dating someone with ADD/ADHD — but I have to say you should not label every man with ADD as bad or say it will be a horrible/frightening experience.
The man I’ve been dating for the past year is incredibly ADD but he contacts me every single day, most days multiple times a day. And even before we were exclusive (been dating only each other for 7 months) he was very consistent about making plans especially due to his understanding of his lack of executive functioning and planning.
My bf has had therapy, uses medication occasionally and has a good understanding of his disability and never (now) tries to blame anything he didn’t do on that disability. So I would think it would be important when dating someone struggling with this should be a person who understands how it impacts their daily life and the life of the person their dating. Also and I think most importantly!! When dating someone with ADD there is a very fine line sometimes in assisting them and mothering them. Occasionally when my bf used to say “oh well I can’t do that or I didn’t do that because of (xyz excuse)” I would say to him — “of course you can do that — you’re a grown ass man”! Lol. Now a days he doesn’t make excuses :-)
I don’t think the man you are dating having ADD is the reason he is not contacting you — any man — disability or not who is interested and invested — will make contacting you a priority.June 13, 2016 at 10:32 am #539893
Yes I did, lasted almost 4 weeks lol. No more! I ended it. He was very kind and interesting, but was talking all the time and making me tired a lot. He was also self medicating himself. I got tired of him, because he asked me the same things several times, so he had a bad memory, as he could not really focus on anything. He used cbd oil instead of pot.
Sophia, get your dignity and leave this man. Please don’t do anything with him.March 14, 2017 at 5:23 pm #610813
I’m in a similar situation where this guy I’ve been seeing for over a year and a bit has completely changed from the person I first got to know. He pursued me very hard. At the beginning, we used to text every day and he would call. Suddenly he started disappearing for days which eventually became a week or too. When he returned he had all kinds of excuses from family problems to personal problems. I genuinely thought he was going through a rough patch in his life but I’m starting to see this behavior as a cycle.
He told me only recently that he was diagnosed with ADHD and made the choice to receive help. When I ask him about how his ADHD possibly affects him he downplays it and claims he’s mastered managing his behavior, but unfortunately his actions paint a completely different picture.
I fell in love with him so I’ve been patient and gracious but I think it’s finally run out. We spoke about his inattention and his sudden disappearance (and yet I see him active on FB) and he seemed to get the point. A week later, were back to square one. I haven’t heard from him in basically 5 days.
I’m officially done and moving on.August 20, 2017 at 11:24 am #649395
I feel everyone’s pain dating an ADHD guy. I don’t know if it’s him just being an ass hole or his ADHD symptoms. When I first met my guy friend, he was outgoing and adventurous. After a few months, he didn’t want to hangout with me and he rather be partying and traveling. I didn’t mine him going out at all, I do encourage everyone to enjoy life, but he completely neglected me. He would only contacted me when it was convenient for him.
I believe like he needed that excitement and adrenalin rush all the time. I began to feel something was wrong because he would never communicate me, he seems to be distracted everytime I wanted to talk to him, and his room would be disorganized. I was becoming needy and worrisome. I suffer with anxiety and everytime I tried to talk to him about our issues, he would rush out impatiently that he had work to do.
One day, I found ADHD medication in his room. I was afraid to bring it up in person, so i ended up texting him about it. Now, I haven’t seen him for over a month and he cut contacts with me. He blocked my text messages and number. I’m devastated and heartbroken. If he had given me a chance, we could’ve worked out everything . I want to believe its his upbringing and symptoms, but I’m started to think this is really who he is.
Any advice? ThanksAugust 20, 2017 at 11:56 am #649402
KevinDurantFan… The guy you’re writing about = A$$August 20, 2017 at 6:27 pm #649437
Having ADD myself I’d say the guy is not texting because he’s not interested. When sth. or someone interests us that activity/person would get our whole attention…at least for some time. It doesn’t matter if he has ADHD or not, he still has a brain. it all comes down to a quastion of priorities and respect. You deserve betterApril 28, 2021 at 9:27 pm #864513
I Think there have been several valid points already mentioned. Weighing the pros and cons trying to see if its the ADHD or if it’s all their personality traits that are less than favorable. One thing that has always helped me is to read articles about dating someone with ADHD at least then I understand and don’t assume the worst. I think it is important to bring up what is upsetting you. But a large part of dating someone with ADHD is not to taking the traits of ADHD (bad at texting) personally. I don’t want the people I love with ADHD to change. God knows that several people already feel shame and guilt for not being neurotypical but I also don’t want to see them struggle either it’s a fine balance. Pick your battles. How they respond to your concerns may end up showing their TRUE character. Be patient but protect your boundaries.May 17, 2022 at 5:11 pm #933639
Concerned for All Involved
Fell onto this forum by accident in a hunt for good articles to send my significant other as they say it helps them understand some difficulties we face *together* in our relationship. It has been an overall sickening read. Amalgimating character flaws with ADHD symptoms has made me, someone who has been diagnosed in adulthood and carries significant traumas from parents and numerous teachers not willing to take the time to actually speak to me rather than jump to steriotyped conclusions of my character, remarkably worried for anyone else stumbling upon this thread.
Talk to your partner about your issues and consult professionals about the legitamate illness (how this is even a speculation is beyond beggar’s belief). This thread read like a step by step of the insecurities I have felt my whole life – people misunderstanding my short comings as inherant evils of my spirit.
If you are in a relationship with someone that has a mental difficulty of any kind it is your right to not want to dedicate your time to the difficulties that brings, but you should never treat that as a *failure* of the other half.
I dated someone with BPD and it was a very toxic relationship – because of BOTH of us. I was not in a position to support and understand their needs.
It is difficult out there. Be kind, supportive and understanding to yourself AND to others. Speculate not – there’s material out there that is quite easy to find.
TL;DR: People with ADHD have bad traits; bad people have ADHD traits. Don’t follow the ex concessis that all with ADHD are bad.