Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Anxious about dating & breakups
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Maddie.
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Cherry
I have avoided dating for some months so that I can give myself time to do it right but now that I’ve started dating a very nice, caring, and loving guy, I’m so anxious that I want to run away. He has done nothing but give me attention & space when I need it. He has done nothing wrong. This is what I do. And when I’m overwhelmed, I just ghost someone. However, I ghost because I’ve been slut-shamed, insulted, and love-bombed before when breaking up with a guy and I vowed to never break up in person again. However, this guy I’m dating knows my house and we have a common friend, so I can’t ghost him. How do I get him to just stop pursuing me without having the talk? I’m not asking for advice on how I can talk to him about it because I’ve tried and lacked the courage. I’m also not asking how I can stop being anxious when dating because I’m probably doomed coz I’m with a complete package of a guy and I can’t seem to get it right with him. Anyway, any believable excuses or tactics I can use to successfully push this guy away without losing him as a friend or causing animosity is much appreciated. And especially not giving him an explanation. I don’t wanna do that.
I know that I had a moral obligation to not drag him into my mess but I thought if I took things very slowly, with no intimacy or rushing to commit, I would not be anxious about dating, but I am anxious about it.
The only successful intimacy I’ve had is where I make it a FWB or situationship with no labels or defining it, but I’ll still love you as if we were in a defined relationship. My friend joked that the only way to successfully date me is to not declare love or express feelings for me by words (just be actions without saying anything). And now, I’m starting to see the reality of her words.
Also, the reason why I think I should cut off this guy is because we have been dating for like two months now and he wants me to make things official. He expressed his desire for that yesterday and I asked for more time (again)
This is me shamelessly displaying my anxiety issues. I don’t know if there is any other lady here who has or has ever faced such dating anxiety and how you dealt with it.
Anyway, thanks for your comment on how I can stop leading on this guy that I like but I’m anxious to date without telling him directly.Maddie
Though it’s not your preference, the absolute best thing to do with this guy in this situation is just be honest. That means direct, but you can keep it very, very short! Just say that “you’re not ready for this type of committed relationship right now and you think you should stop seeing each other.” That’s *it*. You owe him an answer but not a detailed explanation. If he really is a good, full-package kind of guy, he will be respectful and not do any of those awful things to you when you break up. Guys who have done that to you have proven to you they weren’t worthwhile to date anyway, and not every one is like that so no need to put those assumptions on this new person. Don’t anticipate his response based on the lousy guys from before. Plus he’s more likely to be respectful even if upset and disappointed as you run in the same social circles so he won’t want drama to impact that any more than you do.
Also, you’re not doomed, even though you’re truly not ready to have this kind of relationship right now. You’ve got issues to work out, that’s all. Please look up insecure attachment style. You sound like yours is specifically fearful avoidant. These issues can absolutely be addressed by a knowledgeable therapist. Don’t give up and see yourself as a lost cause, because you’re not. Lots of people overcome attachment issues, though it can take a couple years of work.
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